A first Date

Mike and I are going to try really hard to make a date night. I would ideally like this to be just for us and on pay days...
It would be so nice.

Anyways this also happened to be my " first " real payday so what better way to celebrate.
Mike and I went to a fabulous new place called the " melting pot " and its nothing but fondue.
It takes a couple of hours for a meal, and is on the pricier side, but very romantic, and totally perfect for some serious conversation, and together time.

You start with an appitizer fondue ( cheese, veggies, and fruit ) and then move on to the main dish, salad, and then desert --- all so wonderful.
I really dont know what was more wonderful though - the dinner or the company?

Its so nice to have a date! We had some great conversation, some great time together, and it lasted a few hours. Completely wonderful. Ill spare the sappy details for me!
What a wonderful one at that!

www. meltingpot.com

Time for some good news...

Finally here's some good news, and to alot of you readers, news you may never have thought you would hear.

I am choosing to skip alot of the details for obvious reasons as we spend time healing and such I will simply just state that Mike and I are very much trying to work things out - both life, physically and mentally. He has choosen to come home and to make a huge effort in showing hes sorry and wants to be here. I too have continued with all of my hard work and every day am choosing to stand for my family and with the man I love.

Im not saying its going to be easy, nor do I feel it will be fast. Were living apart still, and trying to learn new steps. We have alot to sort through - but it does feel good to have him near. Both mind and body.

Madaya is sooooo happy to have him near too. She missed him so much and they have so much time and love to catch up on.

I cannot forget the things hes done, pain we both have caused but I can very much forgive it and I want to move forward.

All I am asking for is love and support from family and friends. You dont have to agree and I am not seeking anyones ideals.... only that you respect our choice to unite together and fight for our family.

Its a battle worth fighting.

Allergies or Not?

I am hoping some of you that read this, mainly the mommies can help me out.
You know I have been dealing with roo being " sick " for sometime now, all winter it would seem and things arent letting up.
I am wondering if maybe these fevers, which seem to come on so fast, and hang around for a few days even despite tylenol and whatnot are related to allergies?
Lastnight her nose started running, and she was again throughing up this nasty flemish crap. Its pure goo nothing else. And she gets so misserable.
We didnt sleep at all because she didnt unwind, and then she hasnt eaten in ( today will be 4th day ) 3 days. Shes just not hungry, who would be with all that goo?

Do any of you have any advice, tips thoughts to share regarding this?

And .... Do you think its possible its the pediasure ( if she has a milk allergy - causing some of this ) Seems like nothing but troubles since we stopped nursing, went to formula, and then to the pediasure.
GRRR.

Frustrated that my baby doesnt feel well.

oh funny roo Photo

Look at this silly sweetness.
Sometimes shes the best medicine in the world.

from myspace and beyond

So after yesterdays events I found more stuff out.. Can you see me rolling my eyes. He has another myspace page. I imagine so his lil " friends" cant see the mess hes in. You know being married and all, going through a divorce, NOT paying child support... and just well you know... It really seems he has 2 lifes. I never expected this from Michael at all.

Anyways I was laying in bed thinking ya know - I wouldnt never expected this from him. Hes not the man I loved. The man I loved would have NEVER done this. He would have done anything to see if his family could work, he wouldnt place all the blame on me and he wouldnt be doing such actions to hurt himself. Regardless if he can see it or not he is hurting himself. And he cant see how much it hurts us who love him....

Newsflash : Alcholol will not cure the pain or find the happiness more like it will numb it and give you false illusions.

With this I think I sincerely am better off petitioning for full support and limited visition. If he wants to have this new life and pick when his responsibilities are to be upheld then fine.. let daya and I go.

I have to figure out how to not love him, not want him and not want it to work. I have to figure out how to mourn it and bury it. I need to go on and hope to find return love in the amount I have for him.

I dont know why he chooses to do these things. Its not like he doesnt have someone loving, willing and wanting him no matter what, with no holds, and no regrets.

I didnt want him to just be a father, I wanted him to be a daddy.... I dont see it. Lets not pretend.

I am choosing not to blame myself anymore. I have changed. I have sought help, I did learn the hard way. I did loose everything and the one person I love the most. But you know in the end... Ill be better off. I did my part I tried to see if it could work.
Im the lucky one - I have my daughter and someday maybe if he finds himself and this happiness he is seeking maybe he can have her too? Until then I think shes better off my responsibility. He can play. When hes tired of that we will see what happens...



Heres the copy of my run down of updates off myspace since some of you are buggers! and keep bugging me!

The days fly by so fast, and I have had nothing good to report so I havent been on to update.
So heres the run down :
- Mike is still running bar to bar, being with one person after another ( suddently he has " friends" from each neck of the woods - nice :) . He fucked up and missed his visitation with madaya again, cause of his actions. Im not pleased and now plan on filing all support paper work. He fucked my world up, its time to give him what he deserves.
Ive been patient - really patient. I do love him and didnt want to do any of this to him. Its to the point that he has responsibilites though and they dont wait.
If he can go to the bar every other night he sure the hell can pay for diapers, wipes, medicine and oh yeah LIVING expenses right? Hes not gonna like it.

- Im done asking him to work it out. If he cant see that its him I want to work WITH and come home to and have this family with then his is soooooo fucking out of his mind. Maybe someday his loss will be someone elses gain?
Im tired and Im pissed that he couldnt park that damn truck and make his family work. But hey You know, hes right I do deserve better. For now though I have to figure out how to not love him and not want him. In my mind i keep saying please mike stop this mess, and come home. Lets do this right... but his actions speak soooo much louder than his words and its not going to happen I am so mad that he thinks it has nothing to do with daa and that all of this is ok. oth of us said we never wanted this for our child and bam... hes doing exactly what he dispised.

I can so though I hear hes been talking to his dad. It warms my heart. Ive been wanting that for a while and I feel bad that he can do it now but couldnt then. He chose his actions, and I stood by him but i bet that made me the bad guy huh. After all his family didnt like me so i am sure thats why he can talk to them now. Hurts none the less.

- RE: moving
Im not moving - they have given notices 2 times, but im trying to fight for a fair housing compliance. I dont think mentally daya or I need to be doing another move. things suck. I am a mess, shes a mess and we do deserve stability. For now im holding my ground.

- Work is work.. i love it, but soooo much miss my baby all day and I miss having someone to come home too. Ive never been so flippin lonely.
- My plan of doing something new with madaya is in full swing. Were headed to silverwood soon, and fishing for sturgeon :) In august were headed to the zoo and aquarium and then next october around her birthday were hoping disney land. Depends on what I can save. Im having a hard time adjusting to the fact that our family is now just her and I and I wanted to be doing all this with her daddy. Right now I dont even know what the hell happened to her daddy.

- And finally the last update = MADAYA IS STILL SPIKING FEVERS AND IS BACK ON ANTIBIOTICS.

So he WANTS her? MY ASS!

I cant see past my tears....

So today ( Saturday May 24th ) is his scheduled day to have his daughter, and after him saying he doesnt get why I specified 2 days a month ( 1 saturday every other week ) and that I am so bad for not letting him see her. [Keep in mind I had to specify a minimum for the courts hence my 2 days - since thats about what he see's her now - anyway ] he again is a no show!

ok back to my story

I showed up at his place expecting to drop her off as planned at 9 am and guess who's not home! Low and behold.
This stings. It stings that he says one thing but his actions show another.
Last month he missed a visit cause he was out with someone....

now this was scheduled and he is out god knows what?!

He was yet again at the bar lastnight ( if you knew whats going on - remember hes been going to the bar ALOT and even on a couple of occassions had to get motel rooms ( one on my credit card for another woman! ) and now hes not there. I opened the garage, and no motorcycle. So.....
I guess I can figure what and where he is huh?
The bank account is full of charges from bars from him ... and its a every other day thing at least.

I am kinda glad though cause I may need them some day in court.

I hope the other girl is worth it. I hope the drink is worth it.

I dont know what kind of girl it is since last nights adventure was at trick shots ( a sleeze bar ) and hes been hanging out at other sleeze bars too... like bottoms up, volcano, etc.

Nice..

Can someone please remind me why i love him?

And can someone please tell me how to explain this to our daughter. " Daddy loves you hunny but hes just too busy getting drunk, laid and unresponsible to make sure he has his day with you " Of course I cannot tell her that but you shoulda seen the look on her face when I loaded her back into the car to head back home after making a big deal of seeing daddy.

I hope he knows what hes doing. I hope he knows how much it hurts.

Maybe I really should let him go - and fuck things up so bad I wont be here.
After all its what he wants?!


CRUSHED!

poor daya!

Just the Facts

Just the Facts :

- I did ask him to come home.
- I did take him for granate before.
- I do love him.
- I am not the only one who did wrong.
- I am not the one who cant control my anger.
- I do deserve better from him .... not better than him.
- I have not filed for ANY support for Madaya, and have been patient.
- I have held hope that he is lost, and will find his family to be his light house.
- I am not the one going " out " all the time.
- I was hurt too.
- I have been the full time parent. Mommy is my name.
- I made sure daily daya knew what Daddy was doing working, making sure she would love him, respect him and miss him.
- I held my breath.
- I held things against him. Things that made me bitter.
- I appologized and meant it.
- I have been the one waiting for him all this time... for our life to begin.
- I get butterflies when I think about, hear, or see him!
- I throw up every time I think about him with her.

- I WILL BE OK!

A true song...

Lately theres a song that sticks in my head oh so often.... I think its so true if we both " just realized " .... wed be better off together ... if we just realized!

You can hear the song here


Realize SONG LYRICS
by
Colbie Caillat

Take time to realize
That your warmth is
Crashing down on me
Take time to realize
That I am on your side
Well didn't I, didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, now

Take time to realize
Oh oh, I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you
Take time to realize
Oh oh, I'm on your side
Oh ooo oh ooo oh
But I can't spell it out for you
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, but

It's not the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it too
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way
It could be the same for you

If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other

Just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, now
Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now

Why?

You know I sit here another lonely night here in my apartment, Madaya in bed and me sitting on the couch talking to him as if he was right next to me. God I miss him so much. My tears run dry and I keep thinking this is all I have done for so long... wait. All I did was wait. Im still waiting.
I want to hold him, kiss him, be with him.
Tell him I will never again not speak his language or take him for granite. I want to walk WITH him not infront of or behind him. I want to work WITH him to build the life we dreamed of. Big or small it doesnt matter cause the love is all that counts. Im sorry I lost track of that.

I know we cant fix the past. But we most certainly can build on the good and make a better future.

Why? Why cant we work on each other to be better together?

why.....

What it means

So it came up in one of mike and I's conversation the other day that he thinks we NEED the divorce because IF we were ever to be together it would have to be completely new.
I disagree. We had several good things that we can build on and although i dont want the bad, and want to start building in no way would I consider a divorce helpful. Its clear he will be going through with the divorce even though I have begged, pleeded and shown myself to be true to him. Im choosing to love him just as I always have in hopes that some day he sees however I realize that he may never see.
Once the divorce is final so will I be. No going back - I will not ever ( that I can see ) be with him again and do in all intentions hope to move on after wards. I dont think im destined to be alone, and I have all this love to give, and I loved being a wife. Im hopinng in time things show themselves but for now all i can think about is him and our family. I am still in disbeleif that he wont/dont want to work this out. And i mean ALL OVER! He needs to come home more, and we need to ge thelp to learn to speak each others languages. So much i did was wrong, but his too...
anyways back to my subject hes right were getting a divorce and once its final its final.

We filed for a dissolution of marriage the meaning of :

dis·so·lu·tion Audio Help Pronunciation[dis-uh-loo-shuhn] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. the act or process of resolving or dissolving into parts or elements.
2. the resulting state.
3. the undoing or breaking of a bond, tie, union, partnership, etc.
4. the breaking up of an assembly or organization; dismissal; dispersal.
5. Government. an order issued by the head of a state terminating a parliament and necessitating a new election.
6. death; decease.
7. a bringing or coming to an end; disintegration; decay; termination.
8. legal termination, esp. of business activity, with the final distribution of assets, the fixing of liabilities, etc.


so there you have it exactly the meaning of how he feels about our marriage.
Nice huh?!

Stings like hell.

when will something good happen?

Seriously Im asking oh so seriously? When will a good thing happen?

These past 3 months have been pure hell.

My husband left me

I had to move

I had to go to work - ok admittingly so I LOVE IT!

I had to put daya in daycare

and now...

IM BEING EVICTED!

The new manager doesnt want my fence or the dogs here. They also dont want madayas toys outside. Im pissed. When, no make that before i signed my lease I asked about all this and asked if mike and i were to live together if we could have our other dog too.... well all was dandy.

Now given mike and I arent together so thats not an issue, the other 2 dogs and madayas things are an issue.

They served a 10 day notice and I dont know what to do?

To comply it would mean walking both dogs down the complex to the new pet area, and do what with madaya? Cant leave her in the house - and im not getting her up at 5 am to walk the dogs. This is a serious concern.

I just dont know what to think, do or where to turn,

I had hopes that when and if i was moving again it would be with mike where we belong?! But thats not happening and im limited as to what I can do on my own.

Just sucks..

while everyone is so busy making decisions about my life would someone please do something GOOD?!

Didnt rain on my parade

Despite my thoughts of not taking madaya to the lilac parade yesterday, I did take her.
For those of you who are thinking " why would she not go " let me explain.
I love the parade, and the thrill it brings to children. I love that families gather to watch something so fun and new each year. I enjoyed being at the lilac parade with mike last year, our first one as a family since madaya was finally here in our lifes. So as that day went on all i could think about was how in the hell i would make it through yet another function that I so much want to be a family thing. As the day went on I thought more and more about how I would feel if someday madaya asked me why we missed one... Its going to be a tradition.
I thought I cannot tell her that just because mommy missed daddy so much and couldnt do it as a family that I cut it out for the both of us. That thought alone killed me.
Im going to have to adjust to not doing things as a family anyways - as we had/have lots planned this summer, so i got dressed, got her dressed and went downtown.
I am so happy we went it was a wonderful time!
I even learned that no matter how unhappy I am --- shes totally clueless as long as she sees me smile.
We both miss him and thats for sure - but we can be ok.

Heres some pics of the fun night!








Im so glad it didnt rain on my parade!

Ready Reader

I often catch roo in her room " reading " she has 3 favorite books. I love daddy, Goodnight moon, and I love you this much.

Heres some snaps of her being " caught in the act "





I often catch roo in her room " reading " she has 3 favorite books.

"

Putting Evans Eyes back on line

IM SO EXCITED!

I am putting my business back on line! WHOOT WHOOT!

WWW.Evanseyesdesigns.com.

It is under construction but should be back up next week!

How the Hell does he ....

How the hell does he not know how hard it is for me to watch him drive off with our daughter when I beleive I should be right next to him - going as a family. With the man I love. the daughter we created.

How the hell does he not know I cry myself to sleep each and every night?

How the hell can he say I didnt want him? Does he even know how much he IS/WAS wanted... AHHHHHH


How the hell does he know his happiness isnt with the family HE helped make?
How the hell does he know his happiness isnt finally coming home to his wife who's been waiting... who loves him who wants him and who is sorry? BUT IS HUMAN?!

and how the hell does he know WHAT I DO AND DONT WANT?

How the hell can he distroy us?

Ive waited for him for so long, and still left waiting.... only this time, I know hes not coming home. But how the hell is he to know - he dont care!

I want to hold him - How the hell does he know?

I want to come home to him too - How the hell doesnt he know?

I want to love my family as a whole - How the hell does he know?

I love him for who he is and want to grow with him - always have.... BUT HOW THE HELL DOESNT HE KNOW!

Does he know though what hes doing? How the hell....

Weeee

sledding with toria in january

A Happy ( not so much ) Mothers day ( very much )

Sure, I know today is my day and I should just feel so loved and so special but honestly I dont. And of course I know how much Madaya loves me, but she just cant show it. I know she doesnt mean to make me angry, or frazzled and usually when she hugs me or giggles it all melts away anyways so none of it matters.... Today on MY day, I feel so tired, so down and so freaking lonely. Like I said... I know madaya loves me - this I am sure of. I cannot wait till she can tell me, spoil me and tell me all about it and I can tell her ( and she can understand ) just exactly how much she means to me. She truely is whats getting me through so many of these black days.Without her this hole in my heart would be more like a vast space ... At least with her only a part of me is missing.

All the other mothers in the family went to dinner tonight... I didnt go - Madaya always throughs a fit at a restraunt and makes it so unenjoyable i get embarrased that she screams, and hits and hollars I hate the looks people give me and then theres the comments others make. I just cant deal with it. I didnt want to ruin everyone elses good time. Shes also very under the weather, and icky feeling and sluggish oh joy!

So instead im sitting at my place and full of tears cause currently I honestly hate this life path thats been laid infront of me.
Being a mother is one of the hardest things ever, and although so joyfull so many days its a challange! I love my job as a momma and theres no greater joy than her sweet lil smile.
I just really want to wake up from all of this so soon, but right now am too tired to wake up - shit its all I can do to keep breathing.

Happy Mothers Day? sure, if you say so. It maynot be happy, but its deffinatly a Mother's Day... Complete from dirty diapers to grins and giggles!

The other mothers brought me flowers after their dinner... very pretty red roses with what look to be like purplish tips.

Baby blues.. not so blue!

My blue eyed baby’s eyes arent so blue today...
Infact they are red. Her left eye was swollen shut with goop of green and yellow color thismorning. I called the dr cause I knew pink eye had been going around a while ago at daycare.... well...
I took her in and its not pink eye, but could have been caused by it... its a double bacterial infection :(
She was fine when I put her to bed, so this really shocked me - but they gave her some strong antibiotics and said she should be better in a few days. The poor thing cant catch a break lately.
Were both tired from the long week, and now shes not feeling well
We can beat this too though!

* Edited to add I now have pink eye. But no where near looking what she looked like! AHHH

His Ideal Family Photo?!

In my mind this is what his ideal family photo must look like...

Cause right now hes still kinda here, just black and white, not in color.



But perhaps its just a blank space that we should see there?!

The first week down!

Madaya and Mommy made it through 1 whole week!

For the most part things went off without a hitch. Mommy gets up at 5:45 and gets ready, Roo wakes up about 6:45 and then were out the door... I take her to daycare then hop on the freeway and 10 minutes later im at my desk and the day has more than begun.

Mommy loves her job, and daya is adjusting to " scoooo " as she calls it.

The only thing really sucky was thursday - the daycare called cause roo puked everywhere and she needed to go home. Well come to find out they gave her corn bread! SHES ALLERGIC TO CORN! and they know this. I wasnt too happy and let them know!

So anyways we really did it! We have a very good routine building and I think were gonna be ok with the new schedule.

I am feeling SO PROUD!

Tell me shes not sick ... AGAIN

So I took Madaya in to the ER because shes had this damn fever of 103.4+ since friday. Its not unlike her to get high fevers, but it isnt like her to keep them this high even with tylenol or ibu onboard.
We went to Valley ER at upon admission they temp'd her at 104.7!!! WITH TYLENOL AND IBU! so they put her in ER and ran a battery of test. I felt so bad for her, and was alone with her. Ya know as busy as I was and worried as I was for her, it really Made me miss daddy that much more, and she missed him too. I just held her hand and told her we love her so much. I sure wish he was there to hold my hand though... its a good thing my focus had to be on her! After 6 hours of waiting and much to our dismay everything came back PERFECT!? We were all stunned ( we all being me and dr's! ) They did say though they wanted to run her for lupus and arthritus since I am indeed possitive - and those test will be back to her dr. Monday. So so far the urine, blood and x-ray of chest, and influenza scrape were all NEGATIVE!!!
They gave her a bag of water, more meds.... and waited. The temp came down to about 102.5 and they sent us home. Were to follow up monday with her pedi. I wish I knew what makes this happen................... Ill update later!


UPDATE MONDAY 5/5/08Went to see dr. Tonight. All is well. The panels we were waiting on are all negative as well. At this point she is not ANA or RA possitive. Dr. Tami says that right now if the fevers dont start showing with something else, or she gets sicker that theres not much we can do. Keep with the IBU/TYLENOL and let her be. However, she does feel that if this continues beyond 22mo of age or so that we should have her seen by a genetic rhumitologist ( spelling ) for Genetic counsling and see if theres something that makes her so disposed to these nutty temps. Shes betting though, that shes just picking virus's up left and right, and its her only way to show it is with the febrial reactions.

I feel much better knowing my baby is ok!

A hard days work?!

Ok well its only been one day and although not that " hard " as the title implies... deffinatly was work.
I was there from 8:30-5:30 today, and felt like I met 100 + people. But I cannot tell you what exactly I did do other than that. LOL my brain is mush, and the day flew right on by me.
After I got off I went to get roo from daycare she had a good day there and MADE IT ALL DAY!!!! and then came home.
We're unwinding now and headed to bed.
I was thinking on my way home I wish I had mike to come home to, but have to get these thoughts out. Perhaps with time it will happen?
I miss him more and more each day though!

My regular schedule will be 730-400pm and that will be nice. Some days I may close instead of open, but those days will vary and will only be as needed.
Oh the joys of floating huh?!
all in all im so excited for what lays ahead and theres a ton ahead of me still!

Tell me shes not sick ... AGAIN

So I took Madaya in to the ER because shes had this damn fever of 103.4+ since friday. Its not unlike her to get high fevers, but it isnt like her to keep them this high even with tylenol or ibu onboard.
We went to Valley ER at upon admission they temp'd her at 104.7!!! WITH TYLENOL AND IBU! so they put her in ER and ran a battery of test. I felt so bad for her, and was alone with her. Ya know as busy as I was and worried as I was for her, it really made me miss daddy that much more, and she missed him too.
I just held her hand and told her we love her so much.
I sure wish he was there to hold my hand though... its a good thing my focus had to be on her!

After 6 hours of waiting and much to our dismay everything came back PERFECT!? We were all stunned ( we all being me and dr's! ) They did say though they wanted to run her for lupus and arthritus since I am indeed possitive - and those test will be back to her dr. Monday. So so far the urine, blood and x-ray of chest, and influenza scrape were all NEGATIVE!!!

They gave her a bag of water, more meds.... and waited. The temp came down to about 102.5 and they sent us home. Were to follow up monday with her pedi. I wish I knew what makes this happen................... Ill update later!


UPDATE MONDAY 5/5/08Went to see dr. Tonight. All is well. The panels we were waiting on are all negative as well. At this point she is not ANA or RA possitive. Dr. Tami says that right now if the fevers dont start showing with something else, or she gets sicker that theres not much we can do. Keep with the IBU/TYLENOL and let her be. However, she does feel that if this continues beyond 22mo of age or so that we should have her seen by a genetic rhumitologist ( spelling ) for Genetic counsling and see if theres something that makes her so disposed to these nutty temps. Shes betting though, that shes just picking virus's up left and right, and its her only way to show it is with the febrial reactions.

I feel much better knowing my baby is ok!

86,400 times!

086,400 times...
Is how many times I think of him. Seriously do the math. Thats how many seconds are in each day...
I could spend all these seconds thinking that I am so horrible for the things I did, but I dont. Ive spent them trying to learn to forgive my foolish selfish actions, and to repair myself for the damage I caused myself by trying to protect my self.
I spend them thinking about why and how I did them, and how I can do them better. Of course I want it better for him, but he wont have me. Why am I not good enough - 86,400 times I ask this.
86,400 - Its how many times I pray to god he sets us free, only to bring us together and learn from our actions, its how many times I look at madaya and see daddy in her. Its how many times I long for his sweet words, touch and smell. Its how many times I am sorry. Its how many times I love him, think of him.... want him... respect him.... MISS HIM! Its how many times I forget to breath, because I am so lonely.

86,400 times .....

3 AM I must be lonely!

3 am
Its 3 am, and like many other nights I sit here, alone, cold and so lonely.
So wanting and missing my partner. I cant even call him, because were both too heated to deal with any of that right now...
But thats all i want to do. Hear him.
I really dont know how to get all this out of my head so at lease putting it out in my blog may help. Even if I am the only one to see this. or care.
Daya and I have another thing in common.. we both woke tonight crying for daddy. :(
I hate this...

The hardest thing

The HARDEST thing

Truely This day was the hardest thing I had to do.
Everything from waking up ... to going to bed ( if i can even go to bed ) .
To be doing something you dont want to do is so hard. I Hate that I had to do all this today - because this is what HE wanted.
The hardest thing is to not be wanted.. and I cannot beleive i made him feel this way. Unintentionally but I did.
I get the message loud and clear... today living was the hardest thing I had to do.

Today was the day I had to go file the dissolution papers.... Today was the hardest thing.