If your a follower of this blog, and want to see my life continued ( YES IT DID CONTINUE ) please email me or message me for that address.

So much has changed, and so many things are on the Horizon - dont miss this.

HAPPY Re-BIRTHDAY to me!!!

I turned 1 today!
Today marks 1 year since I had my new birthday!
I cannot beleive how fast this journey has gone, and wow am I amazed at the difference.
I don't have time to post all details at this moment but the pics say enough!?
I am so beyond proud of myself.
Thank you to all of you who have loved me through this and continue to love me and support me each and every new day!

Gulp. I cannot beleive this was me!

225lbs

And this week ( although right now I am a lil too thin! )

125lbs!

Just when I can see the sun

I had a good week. Ive been working extra hours, I went to my Divorce Care class at church, made it to church for service, cleaned the house, took great care of myself ( even gained 2lbs! ) and met some new momma's going through this hell too....

Then today I get up only to hear from Roo that " She misses her OLD daddy. She wants a daddy who loves us and is here all the time. ". While looking at me through her tear filled eyes shes looking for an answer and what can I tell her?!

Same thing... I miss YOUR daddy too! I wish things could be different and that he was here too. But Daddy is not, will not and can not be here Daya. Its ok to be upset. To which she replies....
" I love you momma! "

And the day goes on.

But seriously.... why?! Why does this ache so badly esp when it effects her?!
Shes so lost, so confused and I cannot always comfort her cause I feel the same way.
I refuse to let her think some things, I don't want her to be like him when she grows up. I don't want her to think running from yourself of others is ok, and that this is how you own your responsibility!
I want better for her and have to stay focused on the fact that the only way I can do so, is to show so!

But that doesn't mean it doesnt kill me! Oy!

Over a month, but not over it.

It's funny when you tell someone be it a stranger, family member, a friend... anyone,
that you're going through all this they all have a reaction. Most of the time its " get over it... his loss, move on... ".

Wow - Let me tell you how much THAT DOES NOT HELP!

Then there's the others that say ... " Just live for you and daya, just see what happens " " you cant fix him " " your gonna be fine ".... Again.... Yeah not so much help. Sometimes its more confusing actually.

So its been a bit over a month- and although he completely turned our lives upside down and seems to have moved on effortlessly things here are coming together too.
So much so that instead of just dealing with the seperation for conveiniance ( medical he says )... I am strongly considering just telling the judge when we go to court in 3 months to just make it a Divorce. Its ultimately what Mike wants and it's clear he has no desire, will or thinking of his family and to beleive in our marriage so why should I?
I fought hard for him the lastime he did this, and while I don't have the energy to do so this time, part of me really wants to.
I want to live. I want to move forward I want to look back and say ... I did this right.

So I am just taking the small steps, trying to let go of the fact that I cannot controll this situation and the anger that comes along with him doing this.

I think I have done pretty well - and although I am not " Over it " I do think its all a good step in the healing process.

.... Over a month, things are changing.

The Direction I am headed

While its been a whirl wind of ( gulp ) almost a month things really are starting to settle back down.
I don't like it one bit and certainly am not happy that this is the choice the man I love has made but really I cannot change it.
Last time I fought with all I am to save him, save me, save us. This time I don't have it in me. I have to let him go - He wants this.
I love him enough to let him do this but love myself more that I realize this is not what God would want for me! No one should be alowed to suffer.

I have a plan!

Today I will be filing the seperation petitions. Mike has signed them all - and hopefully this will allow us both the protection we need while we each go along, finding our way. Until its turned to a divorce its how it will be.

My plan is this :

I will go back to school starting April 5th. I have busted my butt trying to get in, get settled and get funding all of which seems to be ok.
While, I cannot take the classes I need until summer ( the college I need is full ) I will jump in with some basics for Spring at the sister campus, and then transfer for Summer. I will keep my PT job as a hearing screener for now, and trust that the other things will fall into place.
If I can fight my way for a couple of years and fully get myself together then it will all pay off in the long run.
I cannot rely on him or anyone else and have to find my way .... the one I can rely on is God!
Im learning to be ok alone, and not feel lonely. Im learning slowly that is. And thats ok.
Im seeking direction, and trying to follow whats right so I don't sit here and " wait " for something that may never be.


I got this great scripture this morning and thought it suited well!

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul" (Psalm 143:8).


One foot infront of the other....

Owning my own part

They say this is a big step in the healing process and here it is.

I have to own my own part ( and ONLY mine ) in the Life and Death of our Marriage.

Life of the Marriage :

I was honest
..... Friend.
..... Held our home together.
..... Maintained relationships with extended family.
..... Faithful, Dedicated and Loving.
..... Was here for him ( all the time! ).
..... Great mother to our Child.



Death:

I was affraid to trust him 110%
I was not affectionate enough ( FOR HIM ).
I was affraid of the changes he always wanted to make.
I was affraid of the Hurt I was so sure he would bring.
I wanted to fix him. I wanted to put him first before anything ( including myself ).


So there you have it.
Not so bad afterall. Infact it looks like learning to trust anyone ( first I have to trust myself ) will be the most difficult to overcome. Esp after being hurt so badly by someone you love so much.
I cannot blame myself 100% as I like to do and have to realize I did do everything I could - it just wasnt enough ( for him ) for someone and for me though it may be everything. Sometimes you cannot see what's right in front of you!

why it hurts so much.

Why Divorce Hurts So Much
"It's pretty natural to expect hurt when a mate leaves, but I was not prepared for the level of hurt or the level of pain I felt,".

The pain of divorce is much deeper and more soul wrenching than most people can imagine, unless they have been through it themselves. Divorce can mean the end of your hopes and dreams, the end of your life as you have known it, a loss of control, and feelings of rejection, loneliness, and blame. There is anger, depression, helplessness, bitterness, resentment, feelings of worthlessness, and guilt. The list goes on and on."

I was afraid that once I opened that door, the intensity of what I was feeling would break me into little pieces," says Marie. "I'd be scattered all over the floor in little tiny scraps, and I'd never be able to pull myself back together."

You will not be able to "hurry up and get over it." That is not possible. Instead, start by making a commitment to take a small step forward every day. Marie says, "Gradually God has put the pieces back together, and the pieces that I don't have anymore, the severing of the part of me that was bonded with my husband, God has healed and replaced.
He's in the process of finishing that up."


So with that .....
"I cry to you, O LORD; I say, 'You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.' Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me" (Psalm 142:5-6).

Lord and Savior, the intensity of my emotions is unbearable. Hold me in Your strong arms. Comfort me with the comfort that only comes from You, and guide me in taking one step forward each day. Amen.

Getting real with myself sucks

So basically in a nutshell I have been trying to put on a strong front.
Pretty scarey really.
Ive been home spending time with myself - having many debates in my head and convo's with myself...

and what Ive come up with is this.
( and I only filled up 2 spiral notebooks with handwritten journals )

I need to be honest with myself.

I hate that Mike has done this again, and I am confused really as to why.
I want to fix it but I cant - and that hurts.
I felt rejected after he left and sought male words of attention - that was wrong. And I hate that so I cut off all outside contact. Meaning if its not with my husband I am not talking to ANY male friend ( ryan and olga excluded ). But you get the point.
I need to be selfish and work on me - so that I dont take the blame and think this is all me.
I need to realize that truely I do have a part in this - both ways. Life and Demise of our marriage. I am only responsible for MY actions, and issues.
I love him - but cant have him.
I hurt - but cant stop trying to heal.
I hate that my family has yet again been ripped apart - and theres not a darn thing I can do about it.

So.... Ive just been taking some me time.
I'm not in a good place emotionally, physically or mentally.
Emotionally I try to fool myself and say this doesnt kill me.
Mentally Im beyond tired.
Physically I havent slept in weeks, Im down to 118-120lbs and getting little to no nutrition. I feel sick all day every day. I am getting transfusions of water and nutrients every few days.
and all together I miss him like crazy, and Im getting to the mad point.
I totally dont get it theres the confusion.
I did everything he wanted... but truely beleive he is in general unhappy with himself - so of course he cant see how much I loved supported and was here for him!
I worry and pray for him daily.

I worry and pray for our daughter ( who is a mess - see other posts ) daily.

This past few days has really been so nice, and getting easier every day. I think I have come to terms with the fact that I am not so upset over all this - as I am upset with the thought that I failed. My marriage failed.

However, it doesnt make me a failure and I am making steps forward. Not back!

I am scared, no idea what will come but have a vision of what I want.

Ill just keep faith, and keep making these small steps.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.(Philippians 4:6–7)"

I thought I was a mess...

Ha!
Madaya is a mess.

She askes why daddy doesn't want to live here, love us and do family time. ALL THE TIME.
She gets mad at herself and goes to her room, litterally curls up in a ball and wont talk to me. Then when she comes out of it she just screams.
On sunday she wants to know why we have no family day - on Thursday she wants to know what were doing " when daddy gets home " .
At school shes telling them she has 2 houses, but loves her " big house and her OLD family ". THAT KILLS ME!
She is having a few accidents, forgetting to go potty sometimes, and shes been asking for blanket and even a paci ( which I haven't given in to ). Shes hording toys, and being rude.
Shes hitting, punching and kicking in a fit.
she says things like " Just leave me alone " " I dont want you" " You make me mad".
Shes getting frustrated quickly and over anything- even things she normally handles with ease.

It kills me to type this as you know a mothers love and protection! Most who read should know the pain this all brings how its so hard to look at her and assure her all will be ok.....

She wants to know why daddy did this, why he moved, why were not going to grandpa steves as planned, why we dont have family days, why I cry alot, why daddy smokes, why daddy is gone so much ....

AND I CANNOT GIVE HER ANSWERS. I dont know right now myself.

I couldn't ever imagine doing this to our family. I couldn't imagine and have never imagined not being together - and I don't know how to tell Daya that this is " ok ". Cause its not.

She deserves better than I can give at this time - yet daily I have to give all I can.
She deserves him to be here near her closer in her life - yet he can't.

She is my constant reminder of him. our love. our life. and it sucks.

My heart is breaking for 2. Her and I.