My sister in law..
Loves me.
She has been very worried about me, has missed me online ( we usually chat there the most ) and so supportive.
She stopped by this afternoon to bring me a book she bought for me to read.
Its called Created to be his HELP MEET and is written by Debi Pearl. www.createdtobehishelpmeet.org has info on the book itself, but i imagine it will be home hitting for me. Im excited to read it.
There’s also another place she shared with me a while ago www.nogreaterjoy.org and its proven to be a peaceful place for me to find information, inspiration and a new light. Check it out!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Sunday Sunday Sunday!
Sunday Sunday Sunday
I cannot beleive another sunday has rolled around so fast. Its nuts.
Im all excited today because the newspaper comes. LOL dumb! The things I need huh?!
So job hunting, again today - and I have a couple of side jobs designing to finish, and then a couple more applications to do.
Tomarrow is WIC apt. And then I have some apps to turn in if i can find someone to watch roo. Something about a baby on one hip, and job ap in the other hand just doesnt mix.
As for me : I miss him more today then yesterday, and less than tomarrow. :) I am so proud of him, hes been driving but hes feeling down about not going as far, fast or otherwise as he usually does. How can he feel down, when no matter what hes doing great. I cant imagine how hard it is - its hard enough to be on this side. Soon - i hope, he will be home.
I cannot beleive another sunday has rolled around so fast. Its nuts.
Im all excited today because the newspaper comes. LOL dumb! The things I need huh?!
So job hunting, again today - and I have a couple of side jobs designing to finish, and then a couple more applications to do.
Tomarrow is WIC apt. And then I have some apps to turn in if i can find someone to watch roo. Something about a baby on one hip, and job ap in the other hand just doesnt mix.
As for me : I miss him more today then yesterday, and less than tomarrow. :) I am so proud of him, hes been driving but hes feeling down about not going as far, fast or otherwise as he usually does. How can he feel down, when no matter what hes doing great. I cant imagine how hard it is - its hard enough to be on this side. Soon - i hope, he will be home.
Friday, March 28, 2008
SNOW SHOW?
Dear mother nature :
Dear Mother Nature,
I do not know if you have been looking at your calander or not, but maybe you should. Its March 29th - and today you delivered a huge dump of snow to us. I think this is a mistake. You see, our flowers had just poked through the cold crisp ground. And the rabbits, and birds were finally playing about outside, looking for early signs of food. Now what do they do?
Mother Nature, could you please bring us back the spring weather? Its not fair to temp us with the 60+ and then wake up the next morning to snow!
I would like to return this new 4" to you. Please come get it!
BAH maybe we WILL have christmas in JULY!
Dear Mother Nature,
I do not know if you have been looking at your calander or not, but maybe you should. Its March 29th - and today you delivered a huge dump of snow to us. I think this is a mistake. You see, our flowers had just poked through the cold crisp ground. And the rabbits, and birds were finally playing about outside, looking for early signs of food. Now what do they do?
Mother Nature, could you please bring us back the spring weather? Its not fair to temp us with the 60+ and then wake up the next morning to snow!
I would like to return this new 4" to you. Please come get it!
BAH maybe we WILL have christmas in JULY!
sad..
Mike said he found out that one of his buddies has colon cancer. Hes not very old, and didnt find out till just now.
It kills me to think that horrible things like this happen all the time. Just when you think you have it bad - realize something / someone is always worse.
I pray this guy and his family can get through this - and perhaps his health will improve. The details are very unclear right now, but Mike said he would keep me posted. So sad, sounds like hes had some horrible luck lately.
Sometimes this world does seem so wrong. Unfair.
Mike said he found out that one of his buddies has colon cancer. Hes not very old, and didnt find out till just now.
It kills me to think that horrible things like this happen all the time. Just when you think you have it bad - realize something / someone is always worse.
I pray this guy and his family can get through this - and perhaps his health will improve. The details are very unclear right now, but Mike said he would keep me posted. So sad, sounds like hes had some horrible luck lately.
Sometimes this world does seem so wrong. Unfair.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Changes lead to Anxiety
I was sitting here thinking about all the changes were all about to endure. And while i am so excited for them, a huge part of me doesnt want to change one thing inperticular. I miss my husband so much. I want him so much. And although I get why he thinks we should live apart, it kills me. Im respecting his wishes, and praying for the day he wants to move back home.
I know hes got alot to face, and change too for him to be happy - and I hope hes working on that. I am busy doing all I said I needed to do as well... its been hard. But one day at a time! The time we spent together the last view days he was here - was so wonderful. Just how i want it to be always. I love the feeling, of knowing hes near, and that I am there when needed too! It amazes me how strong he is. And i hope someday he will realize hes soooo much stronger than he realizes. Truely Amazes me.
Madaya and I move out of this house on the 10th for sure. Its gonna be different, Its gonna be hard but I think its gonna be worth it.
Im not giving up on my hopes, dreams, and wants.. and im going to keep fighting for him today, tomarrow and always. I want to see his dreams, hopes and wants too and look forward to those steps! The vows said till death do us part - not until seperation, depression, debt, fear or anything else does us part!
Im seriously anxious over some of this. Pitter patter and racing of my heart consumes me much of the day.
:)
I know hes got alot to face, and change too for him to be happy - and I hope hes working on that. I am busy doing all I said I needed to do as well... its been hard. But one day at a time! The time we spent together the last view days he was here - was so wonderful. Just how i want it to be always. I love the feeling, of knowing hes near, and that I am there when needed too! It amazes me how strong he is. And i hope someday he will realize hes soooo much stronger than he realizes. Truely Amazes me.
Madaya and I move out of this house on the 10th for sure. Its gonna be different, Its gonna be hard but I think its gonna be worth it.
Im not giving up on my hopes, dreams, and wants.. and im going to keep fighting for him today, tomarrow and always. I want to see his dreams, hopes and wants too and look forward to those steps! The vows said till death do us part - not until seperation, depression, debt, fear or anything else does us part!
Im seriously anxious over some of this. Pitter patter and racing of my heart consumes me much of the day.
:)
Step #?.... Check
Step ? _____________ CHECK
Ok so I got the apartment ---
and Mike took Madaya and I to get a car. A more affordable one. And Way more economical ( did i spell that right ). We went hoping to try to roll the durango into another car and keep payments 1/2 of what they are now or so. They wouldnt take the durango cause we owe too much and we would have to put about 5k down and even at that payments would be the same as they are now.. So mike and I took the time to think about it and decided, we would get the car on its own, and the durango will have to go with the BR. We simply cannot afford the durango - and its not a must.
With car, and car insurance we will be at about 1/2 what we pay for the SUV. Looking forward to this.
As to the apartment - the plan is the same. Madaya and I will be moving. Maybe someday Mike will move back home, but for now - theres steps to be taken, things to work on , and love to grow on.
He just left thismorning for work --- hiopefully his last trip - but who knows yet. We had a great last few days, and have discovered alot. Ill keep the details to us, but deffinatly feeling better about us. He amazes me so much. How he can be so strong and keep on going gives me strength. I sure dont want him to be alone through all of this and am still hoping he knows i am here. Blocking others out to focus on us, has been a huge blessing.
I need to get daya fed, and get this house cleaned. One day at a time!
Ok so I got the apartment ---
and Mike took Madaya and I to get a car. A more affordable one. And Way more economical ( did i spell that right ). We went hoping to try to roll the durango into another car and keep payments 1/2 of what they are now or so. They wouldnt take the durango cause we owe too much and we would have to put about 5k down and even at that payments would be the same as they are now.. So mike and I took the time to think about it and decided, we would get the car on its own, and the durango will have to go with the BR. We simply cannot afford the durango - and its not a must.
With car, and car insurance we will be at about 1/2 what we pay for the SUV. Looking forward to this.
As to the apartment - the plan is the same. Madaya and I will be moving. Maybe someday Mike will move back home, but for now - theres steps to be taken, things to work on , and love to grow on.
He just left thismorning for work --- hiopefully his last trip - but who knows yet. We had a great last few days, and have discovered alot. Ill keep the details to us, but deffinatly feeling better about us. He amazes me so much. How he can be so strong and keep on going gives me strength. I sure dont want him to be alone through all of this and am still hoping he knows i am here. Blocking others out to focus on us, has been a huge blessing.
I need to get daya fed, and get this house cleaned. One day at a time!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
with faith hope and love...
Anything is possible?
Its been a very very hard week and a half. Full of lessons, reasons, vissions and fears. Its been all of this - but at the same time some good.
Ive learned alot about me. I, as much as i hate to admit it, have let others around me hide my true thoughts feelings and emotions sometimes. I have disrespected my husband, not by choice, but by not thinking of the consiquences, actions and feelings behind it all. I realized that I did indeed WANT my husband. Not need him WANT him. I love him.
Hes learned alot about him : Where and why his lonelyness plays into things, depression, anger, self doubt etc.
Together we have learned : we have a vicsious cycle amongst us, and if were gonna make this right - we need to make it from the start. We dont want to fix us, but grow on what we have good, and find new life in all else.
We have talked much, cried tons, and held each other close. I have said things that are pure, true and will be shown to be in good time. No more empty promises from either of us. No more disrespect, and No more influences.
Mike and I will try to work for our family.. but for now, remain seperated. I am ok with this, and looking forward to our new life. I know theres going to be bumps in the road. I know its going to be long. I know we have a lot A LOT to learn both individually and together but I also know that theres no one else in this world that i would rather do it with.
Madaya and I move next week.. 2 weeks at the latest. Mike is going back to the truck for now, but not for long ( his choice - i would love him to stay in town ) and then come stay at the house, and wherever he can while he transistions into local life. This will mean bankruptcy for us, as we try to repair this huge mess, and start things off new. We will see one another, learn with one another and im super excited to say that we will be seeking help together!
Help to learn to argue - sounds funny huh? but so true. No vicsiousness, and spite. No pasts to be thrown out for harm. Help to trust and to know that each other does have needs, that sometimes we may have to voice, but it doesnt mean its bad or that we love each other less.
We will be doing the " Love and Respect " series by dr. Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs via DVD its over 8 hours dealing with issues such as love, respect, honor, encouragment, divorce, marriage, crazy cycles.
You can check them out at www.loveandrespect.com.
Its going to be a long road... But the drive back is going to be soooo beautiful!
Its been a very very hard week and a half. Full of lessons, reasons, vissions and fears. Its been all of this - but at the same time some good.
Ive learned alot about me. I, as much as i hate to admit it, have let others around me hide my true thoughts feelings and emotions sometimes. I have disrespected my husband, not by choice, but by not thinking of the consiquences, actions and feelings behind it all. I realized that I did indeed WANT my husband. Not need him WANT him. I love him.
Hes learned alot about him : Where and why his lonelyness plays into things, depression, anger, self doubt etc.
Together we have learned : we have a vicsious cycle amongst us, and if were gonna make this right - we need to make it from the start. We dont want to fix us, but grow on what we have good, and find new life in all else.
We have talked much, cried tons, and held each other close. I have said things that are pure, true and will be shown to be in good time. No more empty promises from either of us. No more disrespect, and No more influences.
Mike and I will try to work for our family.. but for now, remain seperated. I am ok with this, and looking forward to our new life. I know theres going to be bumps in the road. I know its going to be long. I know we have a lot A LOT to learn both individually and together but I also know that theres no one else in this world that i would rather do it with.
Madaya and I move next week.. 2 weeks at the latest. Mike is going back to the truck for now, but not for long ( his choice - i would love him to stay in town ) and then come stay at the house, and wherever he can while he transistions into local life. This will mean bankruptcy for us, as we try to repair this huge mess, and start things off new. We will see one another, learn with one another and im super excited to say that we will be seeking help together!
Help to learn to argue - sounds funny huh? but so true. No vicsiousness, and spite. No pasts to be thrown out for harm. Help to trust and to know that each other does have needs, that sometimes we may have to voice, but it doesnt mean its bad or that we love each other less.
We will be doing the " Love and Respect " series by dr. Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs via DVD its over 8 hours dealing with issues such as love, respect, honor, encouragment, divorce, marriage, crazy cycles.
You can check them out at www.loveandrespect.com.
Its going to be a long road... But the drive back is going to be soooo beautiful!
Monday, March 24, 2008
have found an Apartment for Madaya and I. After days and days of searching I think this will be a great fit. Its a very small complex ( only 40 units ) gated and no ammenties but in a safe quiet location... AND I CAN KEEP THE DOGS!! its on ground floor - huge plus! Very spacious ( 1100 sf ) and is totally madaya friendly : )
I hope to move in the first or second week of April... and will stay optimistic that we get it. It will make a great home for us, and in time maybe for Mike too?!
I hope to move in the first or second week of April... and will stay optimistic that we get it. It will make a great home for us, and in time maybe for Mike too?!
Something to be thankful for!
Something to be thankful for...
.... that my husband didnt/doesnt/ never would beat me. Today I found out a good friend of mine was hit. By her dead beat husband who has been way too hard on her for way too long.
I stopped by and seen her tonight. Although shes bruised, I can honestly say she looks better than ever - in the sence of shes soooo strong, brave and I know she can do this. Shes taking all the right steps. I know shes lost inside, and scared too but i totally think she can do this. Thank god it wasnt worse than it IS, but still sucks that it happend.
Soon i hope she finds peace, comfort and know that shes loved, and will be just fine. Its the call i hope she never would get...
Hold your head high beautiful, dont hang it low. Wear your tears proud precious as they fall to the ground. Youve earned all your metals and your gonna earn more - your about to go to battle for the single most important thing ever - your freedom. I KNOW YOU CAN THIS!! NO TURNING BACK!!!
Something I AM THANKFUL FOR!
.... that my husband didnt/doesnt/ never would beat me. Today I found out a good friend of mine was hit. By her dead beat husband who has been way too hard on her for way too long.
I stopped by and seen her tonight. Although shes bruised, I can honestly say she looks better than ever - in the sence of shes soooo strong, brave and I know she can do this. Shes taking all the right steps. I know shes lost inside, and scared too but i totally think she can do this. Thank god it wasnt worse than it IS, but still sucks that it happend.
Soon i hope she finds peace, comfort and know that shes loved, and will be just fine. Its the call i hope she never would get...
Hold your head high beautiful, dont hang it low. Wear your tears proud precious as they fall to the ground. Youve earned all your metals and your gonna earn more - your about to go to battle for the single most important thing ever - your freedom. I KNOW YOU CAN THIS!! NO TURNING BACK!!!
Something I AM THANKFUL FOR!
Sunday, March 23, 2008
forward.. lets go
Lets just skip.... Forward
Ok so its sunday and im skipping over. We lost our interenet cause we didnt/couldnt pay the bill, so ive been with out - but i wanted to post my thoughts, feelings and worries of the past few days.
Its been hard, alot of ups, alot of downs and Im still left to figure out the peices. I want him so badly - always have, and nothing is going to change that feeling. I still feel butterflies when hes near, i still swoon when he kisses me... i still long for the day when he hugs me so close and whispers I love you. All things than happen happen for a reason and this is one of them I am sure, but its the reason i am trying to figure out.
I want him to know what he wants. I want him to know what and who he is leaving in the back as hes out searching for himself and what it is he wants. I want him to know that I support him and love him for him, and wanted to be here for this next chapter too.
I want him to have a goal, something to look too - like i thought we had. I thought he wanted family, love, respect. All of that is here.
I would love to know how fix everything - but i cannot. I would love to show him i want to do this for me, and in turn him. I want to act on my feelings that ive been keeping inside for so long. Keeping from the person i love the most. I hate that I have hurt him and he I. I hate that I cant snap a finger and make this right... but i have to let time play out. As hard as it is i have to give him the space - but all i wanna know is when hes coming home - when we can build our lifes and family back up. I want to want him forever.. and I want him to know this!
I want him to know what he wants! How can he not? How can I help?
How can I tell my HUSBAND I want us to be ok.
Ok so its sunday and im skipping over. We lost our interenet cause we didnt/couldnt pay the bill, so ive been with out - but i wanted to post my thoughts, feelings and worries of the past few days.
Its been hard, alot of ups, alot of downs and Im still left to figure out the peices. I want him so badly - always have, and nothing is going to change that feeling. I still feel butterflies when hes near, i still swoon when he kisses me... i still long for the day when he hugs me so close and whispers I love you. All things than happen happen for a reason and this is one of them I am sure, but its the reason i am trying to figure out.
I want him to know what he wants. I want him to know what and who he is leaving in the back as hes out searching for himself and what it is he wants. I want him to know that I support him and love him for him, and wanted to be here for this next chapter too.
I want him to have a goal, something to look too - like i thought we had. I thought he wanted family, love, respect. All of that is here.
I would love to know how fix everything - but i cannot. I would love to show him i want to do this for me, and in turn him. I want to act on my feelings that ive been keeping inside for so long. Keeping from the person i love the most. I hate that I have hurt him and he I. I hate that I cant snap a finger and make this right... but i have to let time play out. As hard as it is i have to give him the space - but all i wanna know is when hes coming home - when we can build our lifes and family back up. I want to want him forever.. and I want him to know this!
I want him to know what he wants! How can he not? How can I help?
How can I tell my HUSBAND I want us to be ok.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Thursday
Thursday
Thursday ok, not too bad, not too good. Im so tired, and dead inside and i just wanna lay in bed. I did make myself get up, made breakfast and the like and faced more of this world..
I just dont have much in me.
Mike is here in town... I cannot wait till he comes " home " I hate that i feel so fluttery even though i know hes not coming for me. Oh how i wish.. but no.
Tomarrow another day right?
Thursday ok, not too bad, not too good. Im so tired, and dead inside and i just wanna lay in bed. I did make myself get up, made breakfast and the like and faced more of this world..
I just dont have much in me.
Mike is here in town... I cannot wait till he comes " home " I hate that i feel so fluttery even though i know hes not coming for me. Oh how i wish.. but no.
Tomarrow another day right?
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Wednesday
here we are wednesday morning... im all dressed and this time actually have somewhere to go ;) I have a job interview at 12, and then am headed to look at a couple of more apartments, houses etc.
I got a letter in the mail yesterday, saying i can meet with DSHS tomarrow at 930. So that will be another step to look to.
Im having the worst time trying to accept the help from anyone, as its been me to give it to anyone. From mental to whatever its always been me they come too. So this is all hard to swallow.
So todays TO DO :
- Interview
- Apartment shopping
- Counsling via phone
- More job aps
- packing more
and... Not giving up.
I got alot done in my mind yesterday, but not much in life. Its ok though, i have to let some things just go. They will wait. Theres nothing more important than the road to healing me, and my family at this time.
I got a letter in the mail yesterday, saying i can meet with DSHS tomarrow at 930. So that will be another step to look to.
Im having the worst time trying to accept the help from anyone, as its been me to give it to anyone. From mental to whatever its always been me they come too. So this is all hard to swallow.
So todays TO DO :
- Interview
- Apartment shopping
- Counsling via phone
- More job aps
- packing more
and... Not giving up.
I got alot done in my mind yesterday, but not much in life. Its ok though, i have to let some things just go. They will wait. Theres nothing more important than the road to healing me, and my family at this time.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Tuesday
Im awake it was 7:15 this morning when my alarm ( madaya’s cry ) went off. I thought --- ok well i need to do this. I need to sit up, sit on the edge of the mattress, put my feet over and onto the ground, get up, go get her, get her dressed, get her fed, get me dressed, get me fed, and head out today for all i need to do.
It really helped to have my MONDAY planned out. And I will do the same.
Yesterday I accomplished alot! I got my ap in for welfare, wic and worksource. I filled out, faxed or emailed or mailed about 15 more resumes, and aps.
I called a new counsler ( the other wouldnt continue to talk for free ) who has graciously agreed, at least for now to see me for free.
I took daya to swim class, then got my work out, then went to brees for work clothes.
I cried, I screamed, I was drained.
I took a sleeping pill and went to sleep.
Today TUESDAY
I am in a ton of pain in my left shoulder. I think its stress? but not sure. It just hurts. So i need to figgy that out.
I see becki ( counsler ) at 11.
WIC office for help at 1?!
DSHS for medical and hopefully TANIF? at 3 - i beleive.
and gotta get some boxes to pack along the way.
Yesterday i shattered my huge cassorole pan on my foot - that sucked. Theres peice of glass i need to dig out of the sole too.
Im trying to give Mike the space he needs and deserves while i help myself to help us! Im still not dis beleiving - and I do respect him enough to let him see what he wants.
OK so its off.. alot of running today.
It really helped to have my MONDAY planned out. And I will do the same.
Yesterday I accomplished alot! I got my ap in for welfare, wic and worksource. I filled out, faxed or emailed or mailed about 15 more resumes, and aps.
I called a new counsler ( the other wouldnt continue to talk for free ) who has graciously agreed, at least for now to see me for free.
I took daya to swim class, then got my work out, then went to brees for work clothes.
I cried, I screamed, I was drained.
I took a sleeping pill and went to sleep.
Today TUESDAY
I am in a ton of pain in my left shoulder. I think its stress? but not sure. It just hurts. So i need to figgy that out.
I see becki ( counsler ) at 11.
WIC office for help at 1?!
DSHS for medical and hopefully TANIF? at 3 - i beleive.
and gotta get some boxes to pack along the way.
Yesterday i shattered my huge cassorole pan on my foot - that sucked. Theres peice of glass i need to dig out of the sole too.
Im trying to give Mike the space he needs and deserves while i help myself to help us! Im still not dis beleiving - and I do respect him enough to let him see what he wants.
OK so its off.. alot of running today.
Monday, March 17, 2008
St. Patties Day
We did not have the luck of the irish today ... it was rainy and nasty so we did not go to the parade.
I did take daya to aunt dees though for rubens.
I tried to keep us as happy as I could given our recent set backs...
Just another day I wish he was here.
I did take daya to aunt dees though for rubens.
I tried to keep us as happy as I could given our recent set backs...
Just another day I wish he was here.
Monday : let it out
Ok the counsler says i need to keep writting despite all else i have to - HAVE to let it out. He sugested that maybe I keep a daily journal of sort, and my sister in law is making me one - hopefully it will be here soon. until then i can type much faster than i write, and with limited time on my hands I will do this.
This is after all MYspace right. For me to do what I will? Which includes blogging - which IS A JOURNAL.
Someone recently told me i was bashing my husband and it crushed me as i dont see how, but ok - to each their own. Maybe this person didnt realize that my blogs, and page are private to my FRIENDS which i know in person - or have known for many years. People who love us, people who care, wonder and worry.... FAMILY too. This person was on my list of people who could veiw my entire page. My previous blogs have been pretty plain and simple as to the pain, the greif the hell im going through along with mike. Its not helped that he is not here ... ( as in distance not just love ) If theres one thing i know for sure its that i will fight for what i beleive is right, even if it has to take a different path to get there... and that the only people to cosider in all of this is mike, myself and madaya. No opinions no words and noone can think feel or do this. Im doing it for me - my family. ( my family is 3 people not 21! ).
Monday :
_ I will be keeping a daily log of what I accomplish, and need to accomplish. As the hand written pages of things to do is about an inch thick.
_ I am giving us both the space we need.
_ I am applying at more companies - and welfare.
_ Contact the SCC student financial department for help with my course.
_ Madaya and I are going to look for a place to live.
_ I am going to go to the gym tonight - after madayas swim class
_ Mail 5 resumes ( this will be daily ).
_ Counsling session.
This is after all MYspace right. For me to do what I will? Which includes blogging - which IS A JOURNAL.
Someone recently told me i was bashing my husband and it crushed me as i dont see how, but ok - to each their own. Maybe this person didnt realize that my blogs, and page are private to my FRIENDS which i know in person - or have known for many years. People who love us, people who care, wonder and worry.... FAMILY too. This person was on my list of people who could veiw my entire page. My previous blogs have been pretty plain and simple as to the pain, the greif the hell im going through along with mike. Its not helped that he is not here ... ( as in distance not just love ) If theres one thing i know for sure its that i will fight for what i beleive is right, even if it has to take a different path to get there... and that the only people to cosider in all of this is mike, myself and madaya. No opinions no words and noone can think feel or do this. Im doing it for me - my family. ( my family is 3 people not 21! ).
Monday :
_ I will be keeping a daily log of what I accomplish, and need to accomplish. As the hand written pages of things to do is about an inch thick.
_ I am giving us both the space we need.
_ I am applying at more companies - and welfare.
_ Contact the SCC student financial department for help with my course.
_ Madaya and I are going to look for a place to live.
_ I am going to go to the gym tonight - after madayas swim class
_ Mail 5 resumes ( this will be daily ).
_ Counsling session.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Spew it out!
Well the counsler said it would happen and it did. I got so mad, and so down that I finally needed to " tell him " everything. I kept it in way too long and maybe even too late?! When I called the counsling line ( which by the way spokane mental health at 838-4651 has counslers who can help 24/7 if you need one ) I thought theres no way this will happen I wont break down - I will be ok and I will just put my wall up - WRONGO!
Everything I felt, feeling, loosing, wanting etc.
I told him ( mike )
i wanted to downsize a few months ago -- to be better for our family. And i guess in there somehow be it me or him, that included with my mom?! I dont think shes the only issue, but it is a big one at hand. We havnt been alone, and I want that. I do want a life with my HUSBAND and my DAUGHTER. And I told him I wish i woulda said it sooner --- I really dont know why I didnt.
I told him i dont know what the future holds, only that I only see him in it. I dont know where we will work, what we will live in but none of that matters.. what matters to me is to have him, and madaya. Maybe its too little too late? Or maybe he just is so tired he cannot hear me shouting or that he cant see me standing here - maybe.
I told him i WILL NOT sign any papers yet - as i dont think that being away - on the road - and not here to deal with things and truely honestly " getting help to get through this " is not fair. He made this dession while in the most alone time and its got to hurt. Honestly when he told me the other day that he was done, i didnt think he would call the attourney let alone his whole family.... I really kept holding my breath thinking that all we talked about a couple of weeks ago ( selling the truck,me going to work - him going to school etc ) would still happen. He has no idea how much i was looking forward to him finally FINALLY being home.FINALLY BEING HOME!!!
Hes the one thing ive wanted... the one thing. No house, No fun, No NOTHING, is worth the price he wants me to pay by giving him up - he is my husband, and i know i am to follow him, no matter how hard it is, but how do i follow what i dont beleive in ( divorce ?) . I can make all the baby steps i want, i can remind myself to eat to breath and to wake up... of course, but i feel so dead, cause thats everything i want to do with him.
Ive got stacks of scribbled notes from over the last month ( he came hom before valentines day and we had a wonderful time, i didnt want him to go! ) of ideas and ways we can make this work - and function on a much better level. Ive got schools, and income ideas, and carreer paths and just a shit load of info i thought we would need that i did for us, and i get to shred it all because I want none of it... none of it without him.
Ya know?! I think he was shocked to hear that I was wanting to move with Madaya on my own. I honestly think he thought - i would just be moving in with someone? I dunno but i do know this isnt how i thought ... i thought for sure we * WE * would sell the house, and move to better way of life for us.. I thought for sure we would both have to 10 steps back to finally have what weve both been missing from each other - which in reality is EACH OTHER?! I knew he would be loosing alot too to gain much more! I know hes worked hard to get where hes at cause ive been here supporting this effort - i know its got to be hard to think about doing it all. I know this cause it takes my breah away too! He never did do anything half assed and i guess thats what i feel hes doing to us --- 1/2 assing it. I say this soley because its not working with him on the road - and me at home. Its not working how things are so we should try another way - 50/50 no more of this off balance stuff. Cause we make one hell of a team!
Ive gotten tons of advice, from tons of different people over the last two days, and the best advice was " remember april, that everyone has to learn something hard hopefully its not loves lesson, but if it is and you fight through it it could have the most beautiful end to the story " . God i pray so! I want to be able down the road to tell someone in my shoes, how hard it was to work for this, but that the pay off is so wonderful. I want to stand proudly with my husband, and look him in the eye and know that that love, that bond, that feeling is something we both hurt for, longed for, thought for and through our hard work are happy for.
I dont want to take him for granate. I dont want him to not know just how much he means to me and a lil more. I want him to know how much I honor him and respect him for all he has done - hes litterally given me life. They could have pulled those support cords, they could have not given me blood, they could have let me die - but he loved me too much! He is the reason im here, the reason I have a beautiful miracle a sign of our true deep love. I dont want him to not know what im doing each minute of every day.
I want him to feel the love he has from me. More than words... actions.
I want him to come home to me - to finally, give him that great big hug, and cuddle up for dinner and tv together - I want a walk with him, or to go to brunch with him... all the things, i try to do with others all because I simply am missing him.
I wanted us to get a new place, a new start - im not saying that we would be happy right away or that it would be smooth sailing. I would love to be back to work soon, so he can work close to home and re-learn all this. My gift of thanks for all hes done and sacrificed for me. I would love to see him and help him make it through school. I want him to be selfish for him as he gets some things he needs, all the while giving me what I need - him. I want us to see someone to help point us in the healing direction as theres been tons of hurts and wrongs along the way ... tons. I want to not be the person that hurt him " one last time " I want him to come home to me, to madaya and to fully know that we can do this... and i want him to know that hes stronger than he thinks.
To the ends of the earth - is where I could and should follow, of this he is right. If only in heart and soul is where its hard. For way too long i have been home, waiting on him. Supporting his venture ... for way too long i have had a wall up that tells him " go away, i dont want you here " because apparently thats how i thought I could tell myself that so i wouldnt hurt when he left.. and what did i do? I HURT MORE... HE HURT MORE.
I want my husband. I want him to know how much he is welcome here both in my heart and in OUR home. I want him to know I do miss him and I do cry myself to sleep while hes on the road. I want him to know I cannot imagine how alone he must feel out there with nothing but metal and noise to sourround him - and theres nothing at the end of the day to come home to . I want him to beable to relax and enjoy life, and not squeeze it in when hes in town for 2 days... I mourn the fact that daya doesnt have her daddy close, and I hate HATE the fact that hes a Long haul driver. I grew up in a home with a father gone... I didnt like it. I dont want to do that to daya. I dont want mike to be a father - i want him to be daddy. I dont want to have him see her on weekends or days off.. i want him to see her hold her breath her in .. DAILY. All things I wanted from the begining!
I want story times with daya and daddy, I want him to be able to give her her bath, or read her her book for the 14th time in a day - i want him to hold her when shes sick and calling for daddy and theres nothing mommy can do but rip out the damn picture. I want him to be here.
I want to work and build a strong marriage from ground up.
I want to appologize for everything ive done to him -
IM SORRY
For yelling at him for " almost knocking the wedding cake over "
For telling him hes just like his dad
For telling him he acts like an asshole sometimes
For saying I dont want you here
For not telling him I would be 110% all the time no matter what - SOONER
For being scared to admit I was beyond ready to be just us, and that mom needed to move out.
For saying that hes not making me happy - cause he has, did and always will
For making him think hes not enough ...
For making him leave us... making him return to work.
For keeping you thinking that he wasnt good enough for me
For letting him think that I am ok with him not being around
For not stepping up when I needed to.
For.... EVERYTHING.
He got upset, and i do get it - that I " threw his friend under the buss " in a previous blog ( remember blogs are to blog how I am feeling, thinking etc ) and saying that it was mean to say " his friend in arizona " NEVER FIGHTS WITH HIS WIFE " well shit i wanna know what they do to make life so rosey! " I said that because hell yeah im jelous.. cause they arent any different than me.. other then they show it. I want to be shown. I want to learn. Daniel and Megan PLEASE SHOW ME . SHOW ME HOW YOU SHOW YOUR FREAKING LOVE... I am so jelous. Mike tells me all the time that this is how you are.. so do tell. I didnt say it in a mean way --- i said it out of hurt and anger that I want my husband to know that he can and totally deserves all that happiness as well.
Its 2 am..... I am so tired, yet I cannot sleep. I cannot think about what happens next, and I keep praying that God will show me what I need to do.
I go to a counsler monday - ( well i called and they said see if i can do a walk in monday ) and I want to tell the counsler that I didnt have an example of how a marriage works growing up so that I need to learn the hard way - and I want them to show me how... teach me to put into actions how my heart feels. I want someone to hear me, here me cry because my husband isnt wanting to come home and see its real - and that we can do this.
I told him EVERYTHING - and I want him ....
I know our wedding vows by heart, after all I practiced them enough, cause I was soo sooo happy to be marrying my true other half. I look on them and think ive been so foolish. I did put others before him - and i shouldnt have - I did not follow - and i should have - hes been there for sickness and health --- and i want to make sure hes there for better or worse.. and till death do us part. Iwatched our wedding video a couple of weeks ago around when i first told him i was needing a new start, and i thought while watching it - how could i be at this point, where I am beggin that man pouring his salt into the glass WITH ME to go back to the life we left off? I truely didnt know at that time that he was feeling the same way about that woman ....
It feels so good to let it out, and ive been crying so much ive puked 3 times, I have paused this at least as many, and my head is pounding and I want to go to bed - our bed. A cold lonely bed - and think of him as i do every night - and pray as i do everynight that hes thinkign of me. being safe. and will come home soon.
I told him I am not going to sign anything yet - untill we see if we can make it honestly see if we can make it. This included him parking that fucking truck. Me getting back to work. Us trying to rebuild our marriage and our lifes TOGETHER hand in hand for a better future for our daughter, to keep a happy home full of love, laughter and to show her that you work for what you beleive in. and that hard work, sometimes the most excruciating work... can be wonderful!
Im going to look at it as a savings account.. im going to put all i am into it and slowly, but surely over time all that interest is going to pay off! I beleive it.
Shouting at the roof top I LOVE HIM AND WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO MAKE THIS WORK FOR GOOD not for 1 week, not for 4 months not for 1 year for GOO. and getting nowhere yet.
Im gonna go laydown. Madaya is sure to be up in a few hours.
Everything I felt, feeling, loosing, wanting etc.
I told him ( mike )
i wanted to downsize a few months ago -- to be better for our family. And i guess in there somehow be it me or him, that included with my mom?! I dont think shes the only issue, but it is a big one at hand. We havnt been alone, and I want that. I do want a life with my HUSBAND and my DAUGHTER. And I told him I wish i woulda said it sooner --- I really dont know why I didnt.
I told him i dont know what the future holds, only that I only see him in it. I dont know where we will work, what we will live in but none of that matters.. what matters to me is to have him, and madaya. Maybe its too little too late? Or maybe he just is so tired he cannot hear me shouting or that he cant see me standing here - maybe.
I told him i WILL NOT sign any papers yet - as i dont think that being away - on the road - and not here to deal with things and truely honestly " getting help to get through this " is not fair. He made this dession while in the most alone time and its got to hurt. Honestly when he told me the other day that he was done, i didnt think he would call the attourney let alone his whole family.... I really kept holding my breath thinking that all we talked about a couple of weeks ago ( selling the truck,me going to work - him going to school etc ) would still happen. He has no idea how much i was looking forward to him finally FINALLY being home.FINALLY BEING HOME!!!
Hes the one thing ive wanted... the one thing. No house, No fun, No NOTHING, is worth the price he wants me to pay by giving him up - he is my husband, and i know i am to follow him, no matter how hard it is, but how do i follow what i dont beleive in ( divorce ?) . I can make all the baby steps i want, i can remind myself to eat to breath and to wake up... of course, but i feel so dead, cause thats everything i want to do with him.
Ive got stacks of scribbled notes from over the last month ( he came hom before valentines day and we had a wonderful time, i didnt want him to go! ) of ideas and ways we can make this work - and function on a much better level. Ive got schools, and income ideas, and carreer paths and just a shit load of info i thought we would need that i did for us, and i get to shred it all because I want none of it... none of it without him.
Ya know?! I think he was shocked to hear that I was wanting to move with Madaya on my own. I honestly think he thought - i would just be moving in with someone? I dunno but i do know this isnt how i thought ... i thought for sure we * WE * would sell the house, and move to better way of life for us.. I thought for sure we would both have to 10 steps back to finally have what weve both been missing from each other - which in reality is EACH OTHER?! I knew he would be loosing alot too to gain much more! I know hes worked hard to get where hes at cause ive been here supporting this effort - i know its got to be hard to think about doing it all. I know this cause it takes my breah away too! He never did do anything half assed and i guess thats what i feel hes doing to us --- 1/2 assing it. I say this soley because its not working with him on the road - and me at home. Its not working how things are so we should try another way - 50/50 no more of this off balance stuff. Cause we make one hell of a team!
Ive gotten tons of advice, from tons of different people over the last two days, and the best advice was " remember april, that everyone has to learn something hard hopefully its not loves lesson, but if it is and you fight through it it could have the most beautiful end to the story " . God i pray so! I want to be able down the road to tell someone in my shoes, how hard it was to work for this, but that the pay off is so wonderful. I want to stand proudly with my husband, and look him in the eye and know that that love, that bond, that feeling is something we both hurt for, longed for, thought for and through our hard work are happy for.
I dont want to take him for granate. I dont want him to not know just how much he means to me and a lil more. I want him to know how much I honor him and respect him for all he has done - hes litterally given me life. They could have pulled those support cords, they could have not given me blood, they could have let me die - but he loved me too much! He is the reason im here, the reason I have a beautiful miracle a sign of our true deep love. I dont want him to not know what im doing each minute of every day.
I want him to feel the love he has from me. More than words... actions.
I want him to come home to me - to finally, give him that great big hug, and cuddle up for dinner and tv together - I want a walk with him, or to go to brunch with him... all the things, i try to do with others all because I simply am missing him.
I wanted us to get a new place, a new start - im not saying that we would be happy right away or that it would be smooth sailing. I would love to be back to work soon, so he can work close to home and re-learn all this. My gift of thanks for all hes done and sacrificed for me. I would love to see him and help him make it through school. I want him to be selfish for him as he gets some things he needs, all the while giving me what I need - him. I want us to see someone to help point us in the healing direction as theres been tons of hurts and wrongs along the way ... tons. I want to not be the person that hurt him " one last time " I want him to come home to me, to madaya and to fully know that we can do this... and i want him to know that hes stronger than he thinks.
To the ends of the earth - is where I could and should follow, of this he is right. If only in heart and soul is where its hard. For way too long i have been home, waiting on him. Supporting his venture ... for way too long i have had a wall up that tells him " go away, i dont want you here " because apparently thats how i thought I could tell myself that so i wouldnt hurt when he left.. and what did i do? I HURT MORE... HE HURT MORE.
I want my husband. I want him to know how much he is welcome here both in my heart and in OUR home. I want him to know I do miss him and I do cry myself to sleep while hes on the road. I want him to know I cannot imagine how alone he must feel out there with nothing but metal and noise to sourround him - and theres nothing at the end of the day to come home to . I want him to beable to relax and enjoy life, and not squeeze it in when hes in town for 2 days... I mourn the fact that daya doesnt have her daddy close, and I hate HATE the fact that hes a Long haul driver. I grew up in a home with a father gone... I didnt like it. I dont want to do that to daya. I dont want mike to be a father - i want him to be daddy. I dont want to have him see her on weekends or days off.. i want him to see her hold her breath her in .. DAILY. All things I wanted from the begining!
I want story times with daya and daddy, I want him to be able to give her her bath, or read her her book for the 14th time in a day - i want him to hold her when shes sick and calling for daddy and theres nothing mommy can do but rip out the damn picture. I want him to be here.
I want to work and build a strong marriage from ground up.
I want to appologize for everything ive done to him -
IM SORRY
For yelling at him for " almost knocking the wedding cake over "
For telling him hes just like his dad
For telling him he acts like an asshole sometimes
For saying I dont want you here
For not telling him I would be 110% all the time no matter what - SOONER
For being scared to admit I was beyond ready to be just us, and that mom needed to move out.
For saying that hes not making me happy - cause he has, did and always will
For making him think hes not enough ...
For making him leave us... making him return to work.
For keeping you thinking that he wasnt good enough for me
For letting him think that I am ok with him not being around
For not stepping up when I needed to.
For.... EVERYTHING.
He got upset, and i do get it - that I " threw his friend under the buss " in a previous blog ( remember blogs are to blog how I am feeling, thinking etc ) and saying that it was mean to say " his friend in arizona " NEVER FIGHTS WITH HIS WIFE " well shit i wanna know what they do to make life so rosey! " I said that because hell yeah im jelous.. cause they arent any different than me.. other then they show it. I want to be shown. I want to learn. Daniel and Megan PLEASE SHOW ME . SHOW ME HOW YOU SHOW YOUR FREAKING LOVE... I am so jelous. Mike tells me all the time that this is how you are.. so do tell. I didnt say it in a mean way --- i said it out of hurt and anger that I want my husband to know that he can and totally deserves all that happiness as well.
Its 2 am..... I am so tired, yet I cannot sleep. I cannot think about what happens next, and I keep praying that God will show me what I need to do.
I go to a counsler monday - ( well i called and they said see if i can do a walk in monday ) and I want to tell the counsler that I didnt have an example of how a marriage works growing up so that I need to learn the hard way - and I want them to show me how... teach me to put into actions how my heart feels. I want someone to hear me, here me cry because my husband isnt wanting to come home and see its real - and that we can do this.
I told him EVERYTHING - and I want him ....
I know our wedding vows by heart, after all I practiced them enough, cause I was soo sooo happy to be marrying my true other half. I look on them and think ive been so foolish. I did put others before him - and i shouldnt have - I did not follow - and i should have - hes been there for sickness and health --- and i want to make sure hes there for better or worse.. and till death do us part. Iwatched our wedding video a couple of weeks ago around when i first told him i was needing a new start, and i thought while watching it - how could i be at this point, where I am beggin that man pouring his salt into the glass WITH ME to go back to the life we left off? I truely didnt know at that time that he was feeling the same way about that woman ....
It feels so good to let it out, and ive been crying so much ive puked 3 times, I have paused this at least as many, and my head is pounding and I want to go to bed - our bed. A cold lonely bed - and think of him as i do every night - and pray as i do everynight that hes thinkign of me. being safe. and will come home soon.
I told him I am not going to sign anything yet - untill we see if we can make it honestly see if we can make it. This included him parking that fucking truck. Me getting back to work. Us trying to rebuild our marriage and our lifes TOGETHER hand in hand for a better future for our daughter, to keep a happy home full of love, laughter and to show her that you work for what you beleive in. and that hard work, sometimes the most excruciating work... can be wonderful!
Im going to look at it as a savings account.. im going to put all i am into it and slowly, but surely over time all that interest is going to pay off! I beleive it.
Shouting at the roof top I LOVE HIM AND WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO MAKE THIS WORK FOR GOOD not for 1 week, not for 4 months not for 1 year for GOO. and getting nowhere yet.
Im gonna go laydown. Madaya is sure to be up in a few hours.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
When your world crashes?
I keep wondering how people manage to live when their world crashes down?
So When your world crashes what do you do? MY WORLD was my husband and my daughter and now i only have my daughter. Friends who have been through this till me that each day I will find a new peice of me and before I know it I will feel ok again, but right now all i can feel is....well, NOTHING. Litterally numb. The tears flow without thinking about anything, my face is swollen from the pure hell im feeling inside, my guts are wrenced and the one thing i want the most cannot even hear me screaming! Not that it would do anything at all but I feel like I am suffering alone ya know?!
Will i go on? And be able to love as much again? Can someone love me? My daughter? etc? Where will i live, what will i do... will he come back to me? All these things run through my mind and all because the 1 thing i wanted couldnt happen.
I only wanted him home, to work to live to cycle as a normal couple. To come home at night or whenever to know that I too needed him as much as he needed me. But alas, the love of being gone and the fear that hes not lovable had gotten the best of him. I feel soooooo soooooo - ( to be filled in when i can feel ).
When your world crashes and you dont know what to do with it all you just keep reminding yourself to breath - even when it hurts, put one foot infront of the other even when you cant remember where you last stepped and to stay focuses even when you cannot think of anything to focus on.
...... at least thats what Im going to try to do.
So When your world crashes what do you do? MY WORLD was my husband and my daughter and now i only have my daughter. Friends who have been through this till me that each day I will find a new peice of me and before I know it I will feel ok again, but right now all i can feel is....well, NOTHING. Litterally numb. The tears flow without thinking about anything, my face is swollen from the pure hell im feeling inside, my guts are wrenced and the one thing i want the most cannot even hear me screaming! Not that it would do anything at all but I feel like I am suffering alone ya know?!
Will i go on? And be able to love as much again? Can someone love me? My daughter? etc? Where will i live, what will i do... will he come back to me? All these things run through my mind and all because the 1 thing i wanted couldnt happen.
I only wanted him home, to work to live to cycle as a normal couple. To come home at night or whenever to know that I too needed him as much as he needed me. But alas, the love of being gone and the fear that hes not lovable had gotten the best of him. I feel soooooo soooooo - ( to be filled in when i can feel ).
When your world crashes and you dont know what to do with it all you just keep reminding yourself to breath - even when it hurts, put one foot infront of the other even when you cant remember where you last stepped and to stay focuses even when you cannot think of anything to focus on.
...... at least thats what Im going to try to do.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Now is his time?
The time more than ever when I need to remember to Breath! Mike has decided he is done. I know ive said this a million times over but this time I have conceided as well!
Im still numb, but have to get this off my chest.
Im going to go on and live and know that this is not my fault. I love my husband wholy and competely with no reservations but its not enough? Recently hes made the decission that he wants to become a chef. He wanted this for a long time... a really long time! I was so happy to hear, and blissfully thinking this of course meant he would finally be coming home to build a life in one place with us... little did i know he was thinking AWAY at school. He wanted me to tell him i could and would up and pack everything - and i cant tell him that. I dont want to move me or madaya. I wouldnt see him anymore as going to school working and all that comes with a high profile career like that is not easy and wouldnt keep him home either. I love having extended family around- no make that love it. His family and mine!! What I wanted is my husband to want us, for us to be the reason to stay home and work locally - and he cant do it.
I have to accept that no matter how much love him, he firmly beleives i dont love him enough and cant love him enough. I cannot do anymore to prove to him, and im drained. I have to accept that although i am not good enough for HIM, it doesnt mean I am not good enough period.
He doesnt like that we argue, that we often disagree and that we dont do everything together ( hunting, fishing, motorcyle etc ) He beleives that we should be happy and whole all the time and that there should be no differences.
I happen to think that some of those differences is what makes us human, and makes us no less.
I want him to be near, have a family and start completely over even if from scratch. He wants to be a chef, no more kids, and to have fun i guess? Yet at the same time i dont know that he knows what he wants.
He likes to say he knows lots who never argue.. his friend in arizona " NEVER FIGHTS WITH HIS WIFE " well shit i wanna know what they do to make life so rosey!
I want to know why it is that no matter how much i dedicate to him ( in my eyes im dedicating alot, waiting, sitting, supporting him while hes away and wishing he was closer ) that im wrong?
I dont think i failed persay in anything except i shoulda seen it coming. I shoulda knew I didnt want him gone all the time, and that it makes things impossible to work on if hes away.
I sit here broken, trying to take care of roo and hes in his truck with a loaded trailor thinking of how to make the divorce work.
I have to give up thoughts of making marriage work..........
I have to remember to breath!
And maybe, just maybe if i wake up each day and focus on something new and something that needs to be done it will get easier in time. For now though, the man i love the most, the man i built my life and dreams on and around, just fell..
as i mourn the baby we just lost, i now get to mourn my marriage. I cannot imagine whats to come and the pain im about to indure.
Im still numb, but have to get this off my chest.
Im going to go on and live and know that this is not my fault. I love my husband wholy and competely with no reservations but its not enough? Recently hes made the decission that he wants to become a chef. He wanted this for a long time... a really long time! I was so happy to hear, and blissfully thinking this of course meant he would finally be coming home to build a life in one place with us... little did i know he was thinking AWAY at school. He wanted me to tell him i could and would up and pack everything - and i cant tell him that. I dont want to move me or madaya. I wouldnt see him anymore as going to school working and all that comes with a high profile career like that is not easy and wouldnt keep him home either. I love having extended family around- no make that love it. His family and mine!! What I wanted is my husband to want us, for us to be the reason to stay home and work locally - and he cant do it.
I have to accept that no matter how much love him, he firmly beleives i dont love him enough and cant love him enough. I cannot do anymore to prove to him, and im drained. I have to accept that although i am not good enough for HIM, it doesnt mean I am not good enough period.
He doesnt like that we argue, that we often disagree and that we dont do everything together ( hunting, fishing, motorcyle etc ) He beleives that we should be happy and whole all the time and that there should be no differences.
I happen to think that some of those differences is what makes us human, and makes us no less.
I want him to be near, have a family and start completely over even if from scratch. He wants to be a chef, no more kids, and to have fun i guess? Yet at the same time i dont know that he knows what he wants.
He likes to say he knows lots who never argue.. his friend in arizona " NEVER FIGHTS WITH HIS WIFE " well shit i wanna know what they do to make life so rosey!
I want to know why it is that no matter how much i dedicate to him ( in my eyes im dedicating alot, waiting, sitting, supporting him while hes away and wishing he was closer ) that im wrong?
I dont think i failed persay in anything except i shoulda seen it coming. I shoulda knew I didnt want him gone all the time, and that it makes things impossible to work on if hes away.
I sit here broken, trying to take care of roo and hes in his truck with a loaded trailor thinking of how to make the divorce work.
I have to give up thoughts of making marriage work..........
I have to remember to breath!
And maybe, just maybe if i wake up each day and focus on something new and something that needs to be done it will get easier in time. For now though, the man i love the most, the man i built my life and dreams on and around, just fell..
as i mourn the baby we just lost, i now get to mourn my marriage. I cannot imagine whats to come and the pain im about to indure.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Bitter Sweet?
You know bitter sweet fits alot of things in our life, but expecially one thing inperticular.
The relationship between us, and mikes dad and step mom.
Things have been rocky much of the time, and last year mike decided not to speak with, to or of them. This came after much heartache and let downs and mike was tired of hearing it all. We chose to bring madaya into the world with out knowing her daddys dad, and stepmom. We were ok with this, but always knew we would someday tell madaya about them and why things are the way they are. Until now it hadnt really come up as we just plain out havent seen them, talked to them or the like.
They were in town and with the permission of Mike we agreed to let them have the choice to meet their grandaughter.
Much to our surprize they met our conditions ( they had to come to her, meet her cause they WANTED to, and keep it very cordial ) and came and met her.
It was a great visit. The kids all had so much fun, and it was great to let them see her. She didnt know exactly what to think like with anyone she doesnt know but at least we have pics, and stories to tell her when she is old enough to understand.
Here are some of the photos
Grandpa Steve with the girls
Toria Daya and Belicia
Lisa with the girls
Toria Daya and Belicia
Corey ( mikes baby brother ) with madaya
The relationship between us, and mikes dad and step mom.
Things have been rocky much of the time, and last year mike decided not to speak with, to or of them. This came after much heartache and let downs and mike was tired of hearing it all. We chose to bring madaya into the world with out knowing her daddys dad, and stepmom. We were ok with this, but always knew we would someday tell madaya about them and why things are the way they are. Until now it hadnt really come up as we just plain out havent seen them, talked to them or the like.
They were in town and with the permission of Mike we agreed to let them have the choice to meet their grandaughter.
Much to our surprize they met our conditions ( they had to come to her, meet her cause they WANTED to, and keep it very cordial ) and came and met her.
It was a great visit. The kids all had so much fun, and it was great to let them see her. She didnt know exactly what to think like with anyone she doesnt know but at least we have pics, and stories to tell her when she is old enough to understand.
Here are some of the photos
Grandpa Steve with the girls
Toria Daya and Belicia
Lisa with the girls
Toria Daya and Belicia
Corey ( mikes baby brother ) with madaya
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