I have to come and blog, because its long overdue.
Yes, I do update on the family, what we have been doing, what daya's newest things are... but I think along this past few months I have forgotten about me ( outside of the WLS updates ).
Today I met with my Physcologist and she said that I need to be remembering to blog, and why I started the blog in the first place. So I am gonna set forth to do just that.
More than hoping someone will read it, understand me, or even care - its my outlet and I need to be using it for that reason.
These past few weeks have been full of confusion, frustration, desperation and even uncertainty for me.
Alot of it comes with the state of mind I am in, and my own self worries etc. Im very unstable right now and apparently unhealthy mentally. go figure.
No - seriously people need to talk more candidly about emotions and depression etc, cause theres some people like me who when it happens to they think they are freaks and all alone. Well let me change that. To anyone reading this YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
We may very as to how and what we come to in our minds, but the root of it is all the same.
My WLS surgery has done alot for me, but its also doing alot TO me. Mentally mainly. Im an emotional wreck and they say this is because the hormones go litterally nuts, while your rapidly changing etc. Then you add into the equation the fact that your body is different each day, you feel different about that each day, and then Bam - life happens.
Let me get down to the root of this post.
Like a nasty weed in the garden, that keeps creeping up despite all the killer I put on it, its time to pull this one forever. I am going to try to leave this here and be done. Because I have to!
Mike and I have been back together over a year. I like to pretend that those 3.5 months of hell never happend, however in reality it did and it haunts me.
I had thought that I was done dealling with it all - but when all this other emotional mess came up along came something new for me. Its a weed called insecurity and its not treating my beautiful family garden very nice.
Mike has given me no reason to doubt, distrust or even worry about what hes doing, who he is talking to or anything infact hes done the opposite. He has been amazing, attentive, and full of new suprises to keep me knowing that he does love me, chose me, and came home for good for a reason - he beleives in us!
This insecurity started horribly fast and sudden when I started hating how I look, how I feel and even not wanting to make love because of the 2 previous statements. So then in my head I kept thinking about how Im not worth it, and Im not doing right so he must be thinking about the other women ( the ones he longed for while we were apart ) right? He just must be thinking of them, wishing he wouldnt have came back, hating how I am ect Right?! Well because of all these thoughts in my head Ive been bitchy. Plain and simple I am tired.
Im up most nights till wee hours of the morning just trying to argue with myself. I know he hasnt been talking to those people, or having thoughts of them or the like but I cant seem to put the weed killer on thick enough in my head.
I truely beleive I am doing it to myself because I am trying to keep my mind off of the other things that are bugging me.
Talk about a mess?!
So the therapist is working really hard on trying to get me to slow down, accept me, and from there accept what had/had/is and will happen in our life.
We chose to be together, and havent regreated that one day since... But I need to step it up and remember that he had to make a choice too. He is living with it as I need to. Its me this time holding things up, even if only in my head.
I took him with me to my apt. this morning in hopes of her shedding some light. It was a great session, and she sent me home with a book for " homework " its called
Getting past the Affair . I plan to read it this week, and its about how to set yourself free from the termoil that comes with it.
Mike insist it wasnt an " affair " but like many women, in my mind that what I think. The counselor agrees ( we were only seperated ) and says that it may help to come to terms with the fact that women and men veiw things much differently.
I am tired of the worries, tired of the blame, tired of the fear that it will all happen again and I am honestly saying that mental game is just as much part of it all.
Theres alot of other things on my plate too - which we are sure are playing into it.
Again I am feeling unsettled.
Heres why :
- We just filed our bankruptcy
- Our credit is non existant and not going anywhere fast
- Our financial status is very .. lets say, um..... dull. Were living Paycheck to paycheck
- Mike is looking at joining the Airforce. Which means he will be AWAY for 6+ months.
- We NEED a car that will make it through the winters out here ( we planned for October-ish )
- We had to spend all our SAVINGS on a stupid mistake from mikes old employer and insurance company!
- We NEED to fix our truck ( remember the axel, wheel, bearings and all that fell off ) before winter.
- Mike needs his GED. ( which means school )
- Madaya needs her head operated on ( to remove that mole )
- Our house is Hot, and the Management isnt sticking to the terms they stated when we chose to come here.
- I need to get better about nutrition and hydration.
Heres my goals:
- Remember that I can only be responsible for my actions/reactions
- I am changing. Thats a fact. Give it time
- Stop obessing over things that dont need obessed about!
- Blog MY feelings too. and Re-read the blogs/journals through that period of time, and now.
until next time - emotionally unstable :)
