Step #?.... Check

Step ? _____________ CHECK

Ok so I got the apartment ---
and Mike took Madaya and I to get a car. A more affordable one. And Way more economical ( did i spell that right ). We went hoping to try to roll the durango into another car and keep payments 1/2 of what they are now or so. They wouldnt take the durango cause we owe too much and we would have to put about 5k down and even at that payments would be the same as they are now.. So mike and I took the time to think about it and decided, we would get the car on its own, and the durango will have to go with the BR. We simply cannot afford the durango - and its not a must.
With car, and car insurance we will be at about 1/2 what we pay for the SUV. Looking forward to this.

As to the apartment - the plan is the same. Madaya and I will be moving. Maybe someday Mike will move back home, but for now - theres steps to be taken, things to work on , and love to grow on.

He just left thismorning for work --- hiopefully his last trip - but who knows yet. We had a great last few days, and have discovered alot. Ill keep the details to us, but deffinatly feeling better about us. He amazes me so much. How he can be so strong and keep on going gives me strength. I sure dont want him to be alone through all of this and am still hoping he knows i am here. Blocking others out to focus on us, has been a huge blessing.
I need to get daya fed, and get this house cleaned. One day at a time!

with faith hope and love...

Anything is possible?

Its been a very very hard week and a half. Full of lessons, reasons, vissions and fears. Its been all of this - but at the same time some good.

Ive learned alot about me. I, as much as i hate to admit it, have let others around me hide my true thoughts feelings and emotions sometimes. I have disrespected my husband, not by choice, but by not thinking of the consiquences, actions and feelings behind it all. I realized that I did indeed WANT my husband. Not need him WANT him. I love him.

Hes learned alot about him : Where and why his lonelyness plays into things, depression, anger, self doubt etc.

Together we have learned : we have a vicsious cycle amongst us, and if were gonna make this right - we need to make it from the start. We dont want to fix us, but grow on what we have good, and find new life in all else.


We have talked much, cried tons, and held each other close. I have said things that are pure, true and will be shown to be in good time. No more empty promises from either of us. No more disrespect, and No more influences.

Mike and I will try to work for our family.. but for now, remain seperated. I am ok with this, and looking forward to our new life. I know theres going to be bumps in the road. I know its going to be long. I know we have a lot A LOT to learn both individually and together but I also know that theres no one else in this world that i would rather do it with.

Madaya and I move next week.. 2 weeks at the latest. Mike is going back to the truck for now, but not for long ( his choice - i would love him to stay in town ) and then come stay at the house, and wherever he can while he transistions into local life. This will mean bankruptcy for us, as we try to repair this huge mess, and start things off new. We will see one another, learn with one another and im super excited to say that we will be seeking help together!

Help to learn to argue - sounds funny huh? but so true. No vicsiousness, and spite. No pasts to be thrown out for harm. Help to trust and to know that each other does have needs, that sometimes we may have to voice, but it doesnt mean its bad or that we love each other less.

We will be doing the " Love and Respect " series by dr. Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs via DVD its over 8 hours dealing with issues such as love, respect, honor, encouragment, divorce, marriage, crazy cycles.

You can check them out at www.loveandrespect.com.

Its going to be a long road... But the drive back is going to be soooo beautiful!

have found an Apartment for Madaya and I. After days and days of searching I think this will be a great fit. Its a very small complex ( only 40 units ) gated and no ammenties but in a safe quiet location... AND I CAN KEEP THE DOGS!! its on ground floor - huge plus! Very spacious ( 1100 sf ) and is totally madaya friendly : )
I hope to move in the first or second week of April... and will stay optimistic that we get it. It will make a great home for us, and in time maybe for Mike too?!

Something to be thankful for!

Something to be thankful for...


.... that my husband didnt/doesnt/ never would beat me. Today I found out a good friend of mine was hit. By her dead beat husband who has been way too hard on her for way too long.

I stopped by and seen her tonight. Although shes bruised, I can honestly say she looks better than ever - in the sence of shes soooo strong, brave and I know she can do this. Shes taking all the right steps. I know shes lost inside, and scared too but i totally think she can do this. Thank god it wasnt worse than it IS, but still sucks that it happend.

Soon i hope she finds peace, comfort and know that shes loved, and will be just fine. Its the call i hope she never would get...

Hold your head high beautiful, dont hang it low. Wear your tears proud precious as they fall to the ground. Youve earned all your metals and your gonna earn more - your about to go to battle for the single most important thing ever - your freedom. I KNOW YOU CAN THIS!! NO TURNING BACK!!!



Something I AM THANKFUL FOR!

forward.. lets go

Lets just skip.... Forward


Ok so its sunday and im skipping over. We lost our interenet cause we didnt/couldnt pay the bill, so ive been with out - but i wanted to post my thoughts, feelings and worries of the past few days.

Its been hard, alot of ups, alot of downs and Im still left to figure out the peices. I want him so badly - always have, and nothing is going to change that feeling. I still feel butterflies when hes near, i still swoon when he kisses me... i still long for the day when he hugs me so close and whispers I love you. All things than happen happen for a reason and this is one of them I am sure, but its the reason i am trying to figure out.

I want him to know what he wants. I want him to know what and who he is leaving in the back as hes out searching for himself and what it is he wants. I want him to know that I support him and love him for him, and wanted to be here for this next chapter too.
I want him to have a goal, something to look too - like i thought we had. I thought he wanted family, love, respect. All of that is here.

I would love to know how fix everything - but i cannot. I would love to show him i want to do this for me, and in turn him. I want to act on my feelings that ive been keeping inside for so long. Keeping from the person i love the most. I hate that I have hurt him and he I. I hate that I cant snap a finger and make this right... but i have to let time play out. As hard as it is i have to give him the space - but all i wanna know is when hes coming home - when we can build our lifes and family back up. I want to want him forever.. and I want him to know this!

I want him to know what he wants! How can he not? How can I help?

How can I tell my HUSBAND I want us to be ok.

Thursday

Thursday


Thursday ok, not too bad, not too good. Im so tired, and dead inside and i just wanna lay in bed. I did make myself get up, made breakfast and the like and faced more of this world..



I just dont have much in me.

Mike is here in town... I cannot wait till he comes " home " I hate that i feel so fluttery even though i know hes not coming for me. Oh how i wish.. but no.





Tomarrow another day right?

Wednesday

here we are wednesday morning... im all dressed and this time actually have somewhere to go ;) I have a job interview at 12, and then am headed to look at a couple of more apartments, houses etc.

I got a letter in the mail yesterday, saying i can meet with DSHS tomarrow at 930. So that will be another step to look to.

Im having the worst time trying to accept the help from anyone, as its been me to give it to anyone. From mental to whatever its always been me they come too. So this is all hard to swallow.

So todays TO DO :

- Interview
- Apartment shopping
- Counsling via phone
- More job aps
- packing more
and... Not giving up.

I got alot done in my mind yesterday, but not much in life. Its ok though, i have to let some things just go. They will wait. Theres nothing more important than the road to healing me, and my family at this time.

Tuesday

Im awake it was 7:15 this morning when my alarm ( madaya’s cry ) went off. I thought --- ok well i need to do this. I need to sit up, sit on the edge of the mattress, put my feet over and onto the ground, get up, go get her, get her dressed, get her fed, get me dressed, get me fed, and head out today for all i need to do.

It really helped to have my MONDAY planned out. And I will do the same.

Yesterday I accomplished alot! I got my ap in for welfare, wic and worksource. I filled out, faxed or emailed or mailed about 15 more resumes, and aps.
I called a new counsler ( the other wouldnt continue to talk for free ) who has graciously agreed, at least for now to see me for free.
I took daya to swim class, then got my work out, then went to brees for work clothes.
I cried, I screamed, I was drained.

I took a sleeping pill and went to sleep.

Today TUESDAY

I am in a ton of pain in my left shoulder. I think its stress? but not sure. It just hurts. So i need to figgy that out.

I see becki ( counsler ) at 11.

WIC office for help at 1?!

DSHS for medical and hopefully TANIF? at 3 - i beleive.

and gotta get some boxes to pack along the way.

Yesterday i shattered my huge cassorole pan on my foot - that sucked. Theres peice of glass i need to dig out of the sole too.

Im trying to give Mike the space he needs and deserves while i help myself to help us! Im still not dis beleiving - and I do respect him enough to let him see what he wants.

OK so its off.. alot of running today.

St. Patties Day

We did not have the luck of the irish today ... it was rainy and nasty so we did not go to the parade.
I did take daya to aunt dees though for rubens.
I tried to keep us as happy as I could given our recent set backs...

Just another day I wish he was here.

Monday : let it out

Ok the counsler says i need to keep writting despite all else i have to - HAVE to let it out. He sugested that maybe I keep a daily journal of sort, and my sister in law is making me one - hopefully it will be here soon. until then i can type much faster than i write, and with limited time on my hands I will do this.

This is after all MYspace right. For me to do what I will? Which includes blogging - which IS A JOURNAL.

Someone recently told me i was bashing my husband and it crushed me as i dont see how, but ok - to each their own. Maybe this person didnt realize that my blogs, and page are private to my FRIENDS which i know in person - or have known for many years. People who love us, people who care, wonder and worry.... FAMILY too. This person was on my list of people who could veiw my entire page. My previous blogs have been pretty plain and simple as to the pain, the greif the hell im going through along with mike. Its not helped that he is not here ... ( as in distance not just love ) If theres one thing i know for sure its that i will fight for what i beleive is right, even if it has to take a different path to get there... and that the only people to cosider in all of this is mike, myself and madaya. No opinions no words and noone can think feel or do this. Im doing it for me - my family. ( my family is 3 people not 21! ).

Monday :

_ I will be keeping a daily log of what I accomplish, and need to accomplish. As the hand written pages of things to do is about an inch thick.

_ I am giving us both the space we need.

_ I am applying at more companies - and welfare.

_ Contact the SCC student financial department for help with my course.

_ Madaya and I are going to look for a place to live.

_ I am going to go to the gym tonight - after madayas swim class

_ Mail 5 resumes ( this will be daily ).

_ Counsling session.