Ok well its only been one day and although not that " hard " as the title implies... deffinatly was work.
I was there from 8:30-5:30 today, and felt like I met 100 + people. But I cannot tell you what exactly I did do other than that. LOL my brain is mush, and the day flew right on by me.
After I got off I went to get roo from daycare she had a good day there and MADE IT ALL DAY!!!! and then came home.
We're unwinding now and headed to bed.
I was thinking on my way home I wish I had mike to come home to, but have to get these thoughts out. Perhaps with time it will happen?
I miss him more and more each day though!
My regular schedule will be 730-400pm and that will be nice. Some days I may close instead of open, but those days will vary and will only be as needed.
Oh the joys of floating huh?!
all in all im so excited for what lays ahead and theres a ton ahead of me still!
Monday, May 05, 2008
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Tell me shes not sick ... AGAIN
So I took Madaya in to the ER because shes had this damn fever of 103.4+ since friday. Its not unlike her to get high fevers, but it isnt like her to keep them this high even with tylenol or ibu onboard.
We went to Valley ER at upon admission they temp'd her at 104.7!!! WITH TYLENOL AND IBU! so they put her in ER and ran a battery of test. I felt so bad for her, and was alone with her. Ya know as busy as I was and worried as I was for her, it really made me miss daddy that much more, and she missed him too.
I just held her hand and told her we love her so much.
I sure wish he was there to hold my hand though... its a good thing my focus had to be on her!
After 6 hours of waiting and much to our dismay everything came back PERFECT!? We were all stunned ( we all being me and dr's! ) They did say though they wanted to run her for lupus and arthritus since I am indeed possitive - and those test will be back to her dr. Monday. So so far the urine, blood and x-ray of chest, and influenza scrape were all NEGATIVE!!!
They gave her a bag of water, more meds.... and waited. The temp came down to about 102.5 and they sent us home. Were to follow up monday with her pedi. I wish I knew what makes this happen................... Ill update later!
UPDATE MONDAY 5/5/08Went to see dr. Tonight. All is well. The panels we were waiting on are all negative as well. At this point she is not ANA or RA possitive. Dr. Tami says that right now if the fevers dont start showing with something else, or she gets sicker that theres not much we can do. Keep with the IBU/TYLENOL and let her be. However, she does feel that if this continues beyond 22mo of age or so that we should have her seen by a genetic rhumitologist ( spelling ) for Genetic counsling and see if theres something that makes her so disposed to these nutty temps. Shes betting though, that shes just picking virus's up left and right, and its her only way to show it is with the febrial reactions.
I feel much better knowing my baby is ok!
We went to Valley ER at upon admission they temp'd her at 104.7!!! WITH TYLENOL AND IBU! so they put her in ER and ran a battery of test. I felt so bad for her, and was alone with her. Ya know as busy as I was and worried as I was for her, it really made me miss daddy that much more, and she missed him too.
I just held her hand and told her we love her so much.
I sure wish he was there to hold my hand though... its a good thing my focus had to be on her!
After 6 hours of waiting and much to our dismay everything came back PERFECT!? We were all stunned ( we all being me and dr's! ) They did say though they wanted to run her for lupus and arthritus since I am indeed possitive - and those test will be back to her dr. Monday. So so far the urine, blood and x-ray of chest, and influenza scrape were all NEGATIVE!!!
They gave her a bag of water, more meds.... and waited. The temp came down to about 102.5 and they sent us home. Were to follow up monday with her pedi. I wish I knew what makes this happen................... Ill update later!
UPDATE MONDAY 5/5/08Went to see dr. Tonight. All is well. The panels we were waiting on are all negative as well. At this point she is not ANA or RA possitive. Dr. Tami says that right now if the fevers dont start showing with something else, or she gets sicker that theres not much we can do. Keep with the IBU/TYLENOL and let her be. However, she does feel that if this continues beyond 22mo of age or so that we should have her seen by a genetic rhumitologist ( spelling ) for Genetic counsling and see if theres something that makes her so disposed to these nutty temps. Shes betting though, that shes just picking virus's up left and right, and its her only way to show it is with the febrial reactions.
I feel much better knowing my baby is ok!
Saturday, May 03, 2008
86,400 times!
086,400 times...
Is how many times I think of him. Seriously do the math. Thats how many seconds are in each day...
I could spend all these seconds thinking that I am so horrible for the things I did, but I dont. Ive spent them trying to learn to forgive my foolish selfish actions, and to repair myself for the damage I caused myself by trying to protect my self.
I spend them thinking about why and how I did them, and how I can do them better. Of course I want it better for him, but he wont have me. Why am I not good enough - 86,400 times I ask this.
86,400 - Its how many times I pray to god he sets us free, only to bring us together and learn from our actions, its how many times I look at madaya and see daddy in her. Its how many times I long for his sweet words, touch and smell. Its how many times I am sorry. Its how many times I love him, think of him.... want him... respect him.... MISS HIM! Its how many times I forget to breath, because I am so lonely.
86,400 times .....
Is how many times I think of him. Seriously do the math. Thats how many seconds are in each day...
I could spend all these seconds thinking that I am so horrible for the things I did, but I dont. Ive spent them trying to learn to forgive my foolish selfish actions, and to repair myself for the damage I caused myself by trying to protect my self.
I spend them thinking about why and how I did them, and how I can do them better. Of course I want it better for him, but he wont have me. Why am I not good enough - 86,400 times I ask this.
86,400 - Its how many times I pray to god he sets us free, only to bring us together and learn from our actions, its how many times I look at madaya and see daddy in her. Its how many times I long for his sweet words, touch and smell. Its how many times I am sorry. Its how many times I love him, think of him.... want him... respect him.... MISS HIM! Its how many times I forget to breath, because I am so lonely.
86,400 times .....
Friday, May 02, 2008
3 AM I must be lonely!
3 am
Its 3 am, and like many other nights I sit here, alone, cold and so lonely.
So wanting and missing my partner. I cant even call him, because were both too heated to deal with any of that right now...
But thats all i want to do. Hear him.
I really dont know how to get all this out of my head so at lease putting it out in my blog may help. Even if I am the only one to see this. or care.
Daya and I have another thing in common.. we both woke tonight crying for daddy. :(
I hate this...
Its 3 am, and like many other nights I sit here, alone, cold and so lonely.
So wanting and missing my partner. I cant even call him, because were both too heated to deal with any of that right now...
But thats all i want to do. Hear him.
I really dont know how to get all this out of my head so at lease putting it out in my blog may help. Even if I am the only one to see this. or care.
Daya and I have another thing in common.. we both woke tonight crying for daddy. :(
I hate this...
Thursday, May 01, 2008
The hardest thing
The HARDEST thing
Truely This day was the hardest thing I had to do.
Everything from waking up ... to going to bed ( if i can even go to bed ) .
To be doing something you dont want to do is so hard. I Hate that I had to do all this today - because this is what HE wanted.
The hardest thing is to not be wanted.. and I cannot beleive i made him feel this way. Unintentionally but I did.
I get the message loud and clear... today living was the hardest thing I had to do.
Today was the day I had to go file the dissolution papers.... Today was the hardest thing.
Truely This day was the hardest thing I had to do.
Everything from waking up ... to going to bed ( if i can even go to bed ) .
To be doing something you dont want to do is so hard. I Hate that I had to do all this today - because this is what HE wanted.
The hardest thing is to not be wanted.. and I cannot beleive i made him feel this way. Unintentionally but I did.
I get the message loud and clear... today living was the hardest thing I had to do.
Today was the day I had to go file the dissolution papers.... Today was the hardest thing.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
If I could make him see! But I cannot
I cant make mike see.. but I wish I could
I cannot make him see...
..... The amount of love I have for him. .... The amount of sorrow I feel for the pain, hurt and damage I have done!..... The ways I do take care of him, and want to learn more..... How much I am mad that I dont get to see his graduation - When its what ive wanted for him to do! ... That I am proud of him! For who he is! ..... That he is the one I long for my best friend.... That I did wrong, so many wrongs, but im not the only one.... That I did support him if not I wouldnt have stayed with him!.... That he is better than the life hes choosing.... That no matter how bad things got, get, or are.. one great thing is LOVE. The love I have for him. PERIOD!
I cant make him see that while hes lost, its like watching my world shatter. That litterally I am watching the man I love so much self distruct. We make our happiness, and he could have made it with his family. Not with whom or whatever.
I want to make him see that I dont want to keep madaya from him as he says. But hes only seen her 2 days a month if that anyways. I listed 2 days a month in there for a minimum. I hope there comes a time hes able to see her more, and that we can see each other as well. For now I see him and I still get the butterflies. Its not fair to love someone so much and to have them not want it. I get that he says hes been that way for all these years, but how can I make him see I WAS HERE!! Damn it mike I was here.
I am so mad that this is happening and no matter how much I tell myself its for the best I just cannot beleive it. I didnt want this divorce. I didnt want my husband to run off to another woman. I wanted to fix us, to do the work with him to make us happy. And I do beleive our marriage could be fruitful and happy - WITH WORK!
I loved, trusted and respected him enough that when I knew for sure there were troubles I asked him to park it all give it all up to beleive in each other and what we did have and we would make it work... I beleive that only someone who had that much faith can do something. I left it all for him!
I am mad because I feel like its both our faults but he thinks its mine. I am mad because all I wanted was him to be here more, to relate more and to be a family. And that he didnt see that. I didnt want the house the cars the things. I wanted him. Him soley.
I want us to walk hand in hand in the park.. take our daughter to feed the ducks, to dinner and a movie. I want us to sit on the couch and look into those big blue eyes of his and melt like I always have. I want to breath the smell of him, and the feel of his arms around me. Damn it why can he make this choice for me.
I want to ride with him to wherever he wants to take me, listen to whatever he has to tell me about anything, I want to go camping, hiking, and sit at the lake while we fish.... things i put off because i was full of too much pride. Things I know meant alot to him.
I want to be the one he hugs at the end of his graduation day... the one who supported him so much through it all. I WANT THAT. Im so proud of him.
MICHAEL DO YOU HEAR ME?! DO YOU FEEL ME??
My love for him is pure. Its true. Theres nothing that I wouldnt do. No more! No one before him... no one between us. How can I make him see?!
Will he ever see what he did have - besides his vissions of what he " didnt have " Will he?
When I went to file the paperwork today I was in tears. They dont see that often, cause people who file usually WANT a divorce. I dont want this at all. I never did.
Weve both said very hurtful things, and for that I am not proud. I am so proud however that I have had the strength to indure as much as I have, and make the best example I can.
I had to move, to live - to find work to find a new way of handling things and talking to him/with him and living and a new way... I let people know all that matters is him and I and our family -something I needed to do a long time ago.
I want madaya to know divorce isnt right and to know a better life than I did.. and he did and I want the cycle to break. I want her to know mommy did ask daddy to get the help to try to make it work... but in daddys book it was too late. I want her to know we both were wrong to do all we did. But we did something right... it made her. Our love made her. I want her to know that mommy was foolish and didnt see things earlier and that when she did - her world crashed. She had built her world on her love for daddy, and he held it all. I want him to be a daddy not just a father. its all I ever dreamed of and the thought of this alone kills me. I wish so badly he was here to be a daddy to do all things a family does for her and I and I cant bear the thought of telling her someday that we will never be this way.
I took my vows and vowed to love him till death do us part and I really do wish thats what happend. It kills me to think it wasnt death it was depression, unhappiness, and selfishness that did us part.
I want to not cry. to not hurt to not wish for him. I want to do nothing .
I want for the world to stand still....
JUST STAND STILL!!!
I cannot make him see...
..... The amount of love I have for him. .... The amount of sorrow I feel for the pain, hurt and damage I have done!..... The ways I do take care of him, and want to learn more..... How much I am mad that I dont get to see his graduation - When its what ive wanted for him to do! ... That I am proud of him! For who he is! ..... That he is the one I long for my best friend.... That I did wrong, so many wrongs, but im not the only one.... That I did support him if not I wouldnt have stayed with him!.... That he is better than the life hes choosing.... That no matter how bad things got, get, or are.. one great thing is LOVE. The love I have for him. PERIOD!
I cant make him see that while hes lost, its like watching my world shatter. That litterally I am watching the man I love so much self distruct. We make our happiness, and he could have made it with his family. Not with whom or whatever.
I want to make him see that I dont want to keep madaya from him as he says. But hes only seen her 2 days a month if that anyways. I listed 2 days a month in there for a minimum. I hope there comes a time hes able to see her more, and that we can see each other as well. For now I see him and I still get the butterflies. Its not fair to love someone so much and to have them not want it. I get that he says hes been that way for all these years, but how can I make him see I WAS HERE!! Damn it mike I was here.
I am so mad that this is happening and no matter how much I tell myself its for the best I just cannot beleive it. I didnt want this divorce. I didnt want my husband to run off to another woman. I wanted to fix us, to do the work with him to make us happy. And I do beleive our marriage could be fruitful and happy - WITH WORK!
I loved, trusted and respected him enough that when I knew for sure there were troubles I asked him to park it all give it all up to beleive in each other and what we did have and we would make it work... I beleive that only someone who had that much faith can do something. I left it all for him!
I am mad because I feel like its both our faults but he thinks its mine. I am mad because all I wanted was him to be here more, to relate more and to be a family. And that he didnt see that. I didnt want the house the cars the things. I wanted him. Him soley.
I want us to walk hand in hand in the park.. take our daughter to feed the ducks, to dinner and a movie. I want us to sit on the couch and look into those big blue eyes of his and melt like I always have. I want to breath the smell of him, and the feel of his arms around me. Damn it why can he make this choice for me.
I want to ride with him to wherever he wants to take me, listen to whatever he has to tell me about anything, I want to go camping, hiking, and sit at the lake while we fish.... things i put off because i was full of too much pride. Things I know meant alot to him.
I want to be the one he hugs at the end of his graduation day... the one who supported him so much through it all. I WANT THAT. Im so proud of him.
MICHAEL DO YOU HEAR ME?! DO YOU FEEL ME??
My love for him is pure. Its true. Theres nothing that I wouldnt do. No more! No one before him... no one between us. How can I make him see?!
Will he ever see what he did have - besides his vissions of what he " didnt have " Will he?
When I went to file the paperwork today I was in tears. They dont see that often, cause people who file usually WANT a divorce. I dont want this at all. I never did.
Weve both said very hurtful things, and for that I am not proud. I am so proud however that I have had the strength to indure as much as I have, and make the best example I can.
I had to move, to live - to find work to find a new way of handling things and talking to him/with him and living and a new way... I let people know all that matters is him and I and our family -something I needed to do a long time ago.
I want madaya to know divorce isnt right and to know a better life than I did.. and he did and I want the cycle to break. I want her to know mommy did ask daddy to get the help to try to make it work... but in daddys book it was too late. I want her to know we both were wrong to do all we did. But we did something right... it made her. Our love made her. I want her to know that mommy was foolish and didnt see things earlier and that when she did - her world crashed. She had built her world on her love for daddy, and he held it all. I want him to be a daddy not just a father. its all I ever dreamed of and the thought of this alone kills me. I wish so badly he was here to be a daddy to do all things a family does for her and I and I cant bear the thought of telling her someday that we will never be this way.
I took my vows and vowed to love him till death do us part and I really do wish thats what happend. It kills me to think it wasnt death it was depression, unhappiness, and selfishness that did us part.
I want to not cry. to not hurt to not wish for him. I want to do nothing .
I want for the world to stand still....
JUST STAND STILL!!!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
So he can move on?
Hes already seeing someone else...
I really dont have words for the feeling I have.
Ugh.
I really dont have words for the feeling I have.
Ugh.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
You mean I have a choice?
Lately it feels as though everyone is making choices for me....
I guess I have a choice.
2 Really -
1.) I can move forward with myself my life and the situation at foot - while hoping that he will wake up and want us ?! And work towards us getting back together?
or
2.) I can move on. I can heal my heart, look for someone who wants me and can love me and hope that I can again find happiness like I had?! all this while letting him have the life hes now chosen.
I dont really know what to do and Ive considered both - But after some recent events, I think maybe I should move on like he said? Ive been " moving forward" for close to 2 months now and everyone from counsler to friends to his family has told me I have done so much and so well... I didnt think so, but then when I looked at it all I have. I have seriously done so well in moving forward. A new place, new job ( YES!!! I HAVE A JOB - more details to come later ) , new attitude and everything that comes with it. Shit, I even got a new hair do! LOL. Its been a while eigh?
Anyways, they are all right I have moved forward. Now while thinking about it I deserve not to hurt too! Ive been waiting and dreaming of him wanting me and coming home to us.... and its not gonna happen. it would take 2 of us to " work it out " and it would be hard - but im only willing. hes not - yet, or ever? Were not a highschool boyfriend girlfriend. We are married/Were married. We have a child. Fuck it - I deserve someone to come home to - who wants to come home me. Who wants to be here for us and our needs daily and likewise in return. Who wants to stick with us through thick or thin, and better or worse ... all the things i thought he did.
I do not deserve to " wait " while he figures out what he wants or finds his happiness simply because its unfair. I want him, yes. I love him, yes. But can I be so hurt hoping - NO the answer is no. I want happy days again, I want to love again, and to be loved again. I dont want to cry in the night time, and I dont want to wonder if hes thinking of me, wanting to fix this mess were in?! I want to know my place. He wants nothing of the sort.....
so hes made my choice right? he made the choice to leave me, leaving me no choice but to move on?
so....
what next?
I guess I have a choice.
2 Really -
1.) I can move forward with myself my life and the situation at foot - while hoping that he will wake up and want us ?! And work towards us getting back together?
or
2.) I can move on. I can heal my heart, look for someone who wants me and can love me and hope that I can again find happiness like I had?! all this while letting him have the life hes now chosen.
I dont really know what to do and Ive considered both - But after some recent events, I think maybe I should move on like he said? Ive been " moving forward" for close to 2 months now and everyone from counsler to friends to his family has told me I have done so much and so well... I didnt think so, but then when I looked at it all I have. I have seriously done so well in moving forward. A new place, new job ( YES!!! I HAVE A JOB - more details to come later ) , new attitude and everything that comes with it. Shit, I even got a new hair do! LOL. Its been a while eigh?
Anyways, they are all right I have moved forward. Now while thinking about it I deserve not to hurt too! Ive been waiting and dreaming of him wanting me and coming home to us.... and its not gonna happen. it would take 2 of us to " work it out " and it would be hard - but im only willing. hes not - yet, or ever? Were not a highschool boyfriend girlfriend. We are married/Were married. We have a child. Fuck it - I deserve someone to come home to - who wants to come home me. Who wants to be here for us and our needs daily and likewise in return. Who wants to stick with us through thick or thin, and better or worse ... all the things i thought he did.
I do not deserve to " wait " while he figures out what he wants or finds his happiness simply because its unfair. I want him, yes. I love him, yes. But can I be so hurt hoping - NO the answer is no. I want happy days again, I want to love again, and to be loved again. I dont want to cry in the night time, and I dont want to wonder if hes thinking of me, wanting to fix this mess were in?! I want to know my place. He wants nothing of the sort.....
so hes made my choice right? he made the choice to leave me, leaving me no choice but to move on?
so....
what next?
Accepted a job offer
Well It happend I finally found what I was looking for. After turning down 2 offers, and 6 interviews later I have accepted an offer!
There is a plan to everything huh?!
I will be working for Spokane Mental Health. Pay is good, and benefits rock! Will be Mon-Fri all weekends, holidays etc off. Salaried and room for advancement.
I also plan to persue my BSW to become a social worker in family services. We will see.
There is a plan to everything huh?!
I will be working for Spokane Mental Health. Pay is good, and benefits rock! Will be Mon-Fri all weekends, holidays etc off. Salaried and room for advancement.
I also plan to persue my BSW to become a social worker in family services. We will see.
Ice Cream You SCREAM!
and boy oh boy does she scream for ice cream. Every week I try to do something extra special for her.. heres a lil treat for us all!
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