I have to take care of me?!

So these past few weeks have been really hard. Im going to be bruitally honest here and let it out because lord knows I need to.
I finally made the decission to call my Phsyco. again because simply put I felt like I was at the end of my rope.
Theres not much I am happy about these days, outside of my immediate family, and I am having severe anxiety and self image issues.
Honestly a lot of it has to do with the WLS and other stuff is just " stuff " thats been adding up and making it that much more on my mind.

My first and foremost issue is that I am uncomfy in my own skin. Litterally. I hate how I look, I hate how I have done this to myself, and I am so litterally painful so many days ( my skin is tearing, and sagging from the loss ) that I just want to curl up and cry. I hate making love, becuase its is just so painful. I cant stand the thought that anyone could find this attractive and honestly wouldnt/couldnt blame Mike if he just laughed at me and said how gross I am.... Now then theres reality. I am not that gross just alot of this is mental and my mind has in no way caught up to my body. How can it? Its been a fast loss, and along with the loss has come so many changes. 90% mental really! I like to say I thought I was prepared for this journey. I had done all the reading, researching and question asking anyone could ask for... Ha was I wrong. I dont think in many ways I was ready at all. Physically yes. Mentally - Im re-thinking that, but I thought I was?!

Upon seeing my physc. a few times now she reminded me that I need to be journaling, in my case, blogging more because even she has noticed I tappered off for a while. It does help to re-read the things I put out so that even I can try to make more sense of things. Upon the last visit she had a really good idea and to me a huge break through... perhaps alot of what I think and I will use that term loosely, is going on in my head right now is actually my insecurity because of the way others have been with and around me. You seen this is when part of the issues started happening.... Is when it became an " issue " with me, and going out and seeing family etc.

I have chosen to not be apart of the " lets eat out club " I have chosen to try to enjoy my extended family in other ways, ways that before this big change werent really done, as it was just the usuall to gettogether out and about and that inevidably meant food...

So sense I feel like I am in everyones way, and that I have become a pain in the ass...and I am feeling so down about it, and putting myself in the space to beleive I am so wrong, and what am I doing tomyself I am slowly driving myself nutty. SERIOUSLY!

Dr.P was right.... Im unhappy because of OTHERS not because of me. Its not helping my imagine mentally at all. Why cant I just stop caring what they think and realize - they are wrong?! I think its because I love them! Damn it its true. It kills me, and I swore I never wanted to be like this but this seriously happens. IT KILLS ME to see them eat the way and the things they do. I dont want the obesity hell to affect ANYONE I love. Not even my worst enemy. I dont want people to be depressed, worried of how they look, physically ill or worse... the sad brutal truth. DEATHLY ILL!!! ( diabeties is a #1 killer! ).

So?! What to do about it?!

Answer? TAKE CARE OF ME!!! I love to take care of others, apparently right down to worrying because ' Im in the way ' and lord knows I would go out of my way to help anyone anytime and anyplace they needed it but guess what - If I dont get a grip on this and help myself, and take care of me... then sad but true I wont be able to take care of ANYONE. Not the ones I love the most, and not the ones who think they need me the least. I need to try to let go and realize that if they cant and dont want to see whht they are doing then, its them who is more sick than even I realized. In time it will come about.

Wow - what a revelation!

Ive set out to do just that. I need to re-focus on me. My needs, and my wants.
I need to think about what it is that and why it is I chose these styles and actions and what it means in the long haul. I need to remember that I AM WORTH JUST AS MUCH AS I GIVE! If I like to give 100% then I need to be getting 110% so that I can do just that.

Im tired of crying. I am tired of missing some things, and some people and more than anything I am tired of thinking that its all so bad?!

I am so blessed. I have a wonderful life, a good family, An amazing husband and glorious daughter and so many other things to be thankful for - yet I am consumed with so many thoughts. Talk about unfair!

Until my next session.....