let it go?

The therapist says that if I am going to be successful that I need to let the little things that are bugging me go.
He says I have no way of knowing exactly what impact that things are going to make until surgery is said and done with and that my next few miles of this journey only get harder.
He says that this type of life changing even thins out the weak and strengthens the strong. So true I am sure but sad none the less.

So, I ask what happens when some of it that bugging you - you just dont want to let go cause you still want better? Do you just let it go and see what happens? or write it off the loss you kinda think, but hate that it will be?

He says that the people who change the most arent those who go through the journey its those who go trough it with you, or choose the side roads. Now im worried...

I have 3 more visits before my surgery can be approved.

Christmas take 2

Yesterday we had Mike's side of the family Christmas get together. We planned to meet at the same place we did for thanksgiving ( ryans club house at his apartments ) on sunday after christmas to allow for us all to have our normal christmas plans.

Come this week we were upset/ saddened to learn that steven and becky would not be making it because of the snow?!

Mike and I were looking forward to it, as Thanksgiving was done this way as well and it worked out so nicely.
Things with his family arent normal at all - but in recent months have been more calm.
Things were so nice, and so laid back. Mike really needs this and for him and Madaya I support it.

It really kind of bugs me to think that his side made things more pleasant than some of my family plans this year. I mean seriously.
No drama is kinda nice.
No one made anyone feel bad for wanting --- no scratch that NEEDING ( it really was a need ) to be somewhere else for a while, or for not helping, doing, etc. And NO WORK!!!

Although my family get togethers were nice, I just think this was a lil nicer, and I never expected it.
Maybe because everyone is so happy lately?

Danielle is soon to be married, and a new momma. Shes absolutely glowing and loving life. We have had our differences thats for sure, and are not close but I am happy for her and the strides shes taken. She has a lot on her plate, and shes still trying to balance it all.

Selina has had a busy busy year, and often bites off more than she should chew, yet always manages to swallow. And I think her and Jeff are finally in a comfy spot in life - something she admits they have been working together very hard on - it shows.

Mike and I are together, and happy. Treating each other with the love and respect we each deserve and enjoying the time we get to be together. Its so nice to be here in this moment rather than in the moment that he comes home for one day :)

Really ... things are just at peace.

Steve and Lisa did not come over for either of the holidays but did visit and share time with us all in october. Lisa is hurt and cant travel - but we know their thoughts were there

Christy is stuck in Canada, and we worry much of her. We would all love to see her back home with some of us in the states, but I dont think thats going to be happening anytime soon. We worry of her all around health and well being and hopefully soon will hear/ see some much needed improvement there on many levels. We love her and wish her the best.

The extended family doesnt/ hasnt been together in a long time - and that wasnt different this year although weve spoken to many and all are well :)

With that side of the family there is no gifts exchanges or anything to worry of and that rounded out a good time together of playing games, visiting and eating ...

Christmas take 2 was good.

And ...

ALL DONE NOW!!!

( ill post pics as I get them )

Do they have a secret meeting place?

I have this friend on one of my internet boards. Weve met a few times IRL ( in real life ) and shes simply a doll.
Shes been happily married for 11 years and is momma to 4 kids ( I will keep their names private ) . I asked her if I can blog her story and shes given me her blessing.

Things have been tense lately but her and DH ( dear hubby ) have been trying for baby #5 and going through some major losses : her mom just died, his mom is in hospital, and they lost a cousin in iraq in October. So she just wrote it all off to that.
Well.... Christmas morning apparently DH was getting ready to leave the house when E ( name private ) , asked him where he was going, after all its christmas morning right.. to which he calmly replies " Tell the kids I will see them later, I have things to get done " Well she inquired a little more only to get the real reason. <> DH isnt so " dear " hes been living 2 lifes. Hes been with this MAN named B, for about 3 years and is tired of living the lie. He is leaving his wife and 4 young kids who are 7, 3, 2 and soon to be 1! for this man who apparently also is leaving his new bride and baby to be happily ever after - CHRISTMAS MORNING.

Ill skip her sad details as that news itself was hard to hear and I wanted to break in 2 for her - and jump right to my title.

How the hell does this happen. Do these guys have a secret meeting place? How do they go about it? Do they take an add out " Hi Im X, and married to my wife of 11 years. We have 4 kids. I have a great job, she has it hard at home... and im wanting something new - you? "
Or maybe it says " Dumb ass looking for a male peice of ass ? " Grrr... whatever and however it is done.. why? I totally get some people just need something more, or someone else... etc. I totally get that some people are just " gay " . Ok fine. Its your choice.
I get the not wanting to lie to E anymore. She deserves to know but not like this. What makes this man so special.
Its hard enough when a man leaves his wife but in E's own words " Imagine the pain knowing hes leaving the cat for a male chicken! "

E - I know your reading this. And Im so sorry for you. If theres anything I/we can do ( including and not limited to finding this " happy couple " and making life a lil more real :) ) Let us know. Your strong, amazing and I wish you still lived here cause I would so be there to be that shoulder I know your longing for!. Maybe soon youll be restationed and then can pick the peices up?
Until then know that this is nothing you did, deserve or asked for - your amazing and god will see you through this too

And to the happy new dip sticks.... Happy humping. Hope your happy :)
Find yourselves before trying to find anyone else and good

What do you do?

This could get long - so theres your warning. I am on such a roll right now its not even funny --- have to get alot out. Today we were driving up north and it was a long ride to do some damn accidents because everyone forgot how to drive on the slick, snowy roads overnight :).
So for 2 hours I sat there in the passenger seat just thinking about what was on my mind. In my attempt to sleep better tonight, I suggested, and then agreed with myself I would blog it out and drop it so that I can focus on sleep.
Some of these issues are on going, and I am sure to think of them again soon, but maybe for the peace of the moment I will be ok to get it out now.
The world is spinning, and this I cannot controll .... but I dont have to like every direction right?!
Or wrong?

Sometimes I feel Im wrong to be right!

My mind is so full, and heavy and I know something simply has to give. ( read my somethings gotta give blog. ) lol. I just am at limits.

So without further ado....

What do you do when.... ( and in no specific order ) PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT!

- Your toddler wont sleep, is peeing on things, and smacking people!!!!!! HELP!

- Someone you love is doing something so wrong you need to stop it but no matter how hard you have tried it just keeps happening?

- Your bestest friend isnt so " best " right now and you really need one of those around?!

- Your Husbands family is the better family at the moment, because for once theres no drama and your side is full of it lately!?

- When the God parents of your child, and people you love so much, dont seem to want much to do with you in turn your child?

- Someone in your family has children that is causing alarm, and worry. You say many things, along with others in your family - and still - nothing betters, or goes away?

- Your husbands job is playing mind games, but yet he needs the money, so hes working his ass off?

- Your apartment manager is not doing a great job ( not even good ) at de icing, snow removal and or maintence of important issues?

- Your car doesnt move in the snow? And you have no money for chains or tires?

- Your tired, havent slept well in days, and just need a break?

- What do you do when you go to the mall by yourself just so you know beyond a doubt your not alone in this world ( actually theres alot out there. I counted 11 other mothers in the same boat - per my guesses ) .

- When people change to make others happy?

- You know the source of most rumours, and that source says its ALWAYS someone else, and wont own up to anything to bring up to them?

- Your grandparents WONT LISTEN to their family and come home safe ... hopefully, sound? Your worried sick about them and even though you try not to care, you just do?

- You need to move - but you kinda dont want to? Your affraid of becoming " Movers " and you like to be stable. Secure. Content.

- Your husband says youll need breast inplants if you loose 100lbs and its bugging you!?

- Your serious about all this and dont know what to do?!

What would you do... lemme hear it?!

Somethigns gotta give!

And it better give soon.

I am so damn tired and stressed lately its driving me nuts.

Im yelling more, Im wound up, I cant sleep and Its taking a toll on me.
Somethings gotta give.

Madaya is usually so easy going, so wonderful and so mindful of manners and what were asking, saying and expecting of her - even though shes 2.
This past 6 days or so though - FORGET IT its all be forgotten. She wont listen, is doing horribly naughty things, trying each and every nerve of Daddy and I and just in generall being honery!

.... Then theres the dogs. Seriously If you knew my 2 that live here you would know my issues. Kia is a spaz. Simply put. Shes famous for jumping all over with little to no reason or rhyme, and shes a handful, shes always barking, and jumping up against things. We have a 60gal fish tank fully filled and she jumps up against it and makes it splash - yes, shes that strong. It worries me. then shes ALWAYS jumping, on, over or around daya. Ugh ...
Then theres Kaydough. Hes normally my good boy but his health is getting bad. Hes been biting and nipping at mike and I when we put him to bed ( which he used to love ) and is barking, nipping and getting really restless with madaya and her playing around him. Im worried sick that he will turn on her as is the vet, but theres nothing I can do.
Hes just at that age. I dont know if we should consider ( gulp ) putting him down, or what/..... theres nothing else the vet can do without damaging his liver more, or killing him by giving more meds. Both of witch arent options.

Then theres my depression... in generall being housebound is not helping.

I guess what Im coming to is...


SOMETHINGS GOTTA GIVE.

I cant keep yelling, being tense and the like.
You know my pulse was 122 the other day along with a 130/90 ( yikes ) Blood pressure.

Seriously....

Im gonna be a loser!

Yesterday I finally had my 101 with the surgeon who will be doing my WLS. Originally I was to meet with him on the 18th, but do to the snow storm it was cancelled. Were trying to squeeze this in as we have the coverage and before we loose it so it was a huge thing to be worked in this quickly.

I was able to meet Dr. Spitz and talk about what I wanted ( thought I wanted ) and all the ins and outs of the WLS issues.

Dr. Spitz does 2 kinds of surgeries, the LapBand ( which I was set on and theres plenty of info on this blog about it ) and the RNY Bypass ( which I will cover at the end of this blog entry ) he had some very valid and unknown to me concerns so it was nice to be able to hear first hand the professional, personal and objectional ideals of it all.

I think after our meeting I have pretty much agreed that I will not be doing the band. I will indeed pursue the WLS but via Laproscopic Bypass instead. I feel at ease with this decission and although its still a very hard thing to go through, I feel in someways it will make it a bit easier to deal with my other conditions.

Dr. Spitz pointed out his concerns that if they put the band in me, with my immune issues that he would worried that my immune system would attack the port site, and the band suture site as a foreign body and work against me. He also is worried, along with the nutritionist that the band would be the lesser choice because of the food restrictions and my kidneys. The bypass allows you to eat a lil more liberally as to what you take in allowing me to make sure I get the nutriants I need, while allowing it to do its job too. The band is 10% band 90% me, and the bypass is the opposite 90% bypass 10% me. Having an endocrine disorder or 2, as I do also played into the decission alot more than I had thought. I dont want to go through this and regain weight.

Alot of my weight is from my medical conditions as is, and although some of those may get better or resolve completely many will not ( thyroid never gets better, and the insulin resistance may not with the band ). So Why do it to loose some weight, only to have my body attack and regain. The bypass doesnt allow this because the hormone connection to the stomach is removed. It never mixes with food. The long term succsess should be better and has so far proven in patients like me to be the better choice.

Chances of the band failing are 50% chances of the bypass failing is less than 10%.

The bypass will be done laproscopically like the band would have been and the only major difference is its permanant and no ongoingin maintenance.

Today I weighed in at 224 lbs making me 100lbs on the mark overweight ( ideal weight 120-135 for a woman my size ). I was a bit discouraged but I think with a well rounded team behind me that I can and will make this work too.

Were hoping for surgery in about 4 weeks, if I can get all labs, and work ups done in time.

Im happy to have answers, to feel at peace with my surgeon and his team and to jump tracks and chug along. Journey has turned out to be an understatement so far...

...... to be Cont'd with RNY Bypass info.

*****************************************************************************

Gastric bypass

Gastric bypass surgery makes the stomach smaller and allows food to bypass part of the small intestine. You will feel full more quickly than when your stomach was its original size, which reduces the amount of food you eat and thus the calories consumed. Bypassing part of the intestine also results in fewer calories being absorbed. This leads to weight loss.
The most common gastric bypass surgery is a Roux-en-Y gastric bypass.

In normal digestion, food passes through the stomach and enters the small intestine, where most of the nutrients and calories are absorbed. It then passes into the large intestine (colon), and the remaining waste is eventually excreted.

In a Roux-en-Y gastric bypass, the stomach is made smaller by creating a small pouch at the top of the stomach using surgical staples or a plastic band. The smaller stomach is connected directly to the middle portion of the small intestine (jejunum), bypassing the rest of the stomach and the upper portion of the small intestine (duodenum).

This procedure can be done by making a large incision in the abdomen (an open procedure) or by making a small incision and using small instruments and a camera to guide the surgery (laparoscopic approach). * This is the approach my surgeon will be using.
See a picture of a Roux-en-Y gastric bypass.
What To Expect After Surgery

This surgery usually involves a 4- to 6-day hospital stay (2 to 3 days for a laparoscopic approach). Most people can return to their normal activities within 3 to 5 weeks.
Gastric bypass surgeries may cause dumping syndrome. This occurs when food moves too quickly through the stomach and intestines. It causes nausea, weakness, sweating, faintness, and possibly diarrhea soon after eating. These symptoms are made worse by eating highly refined, high-calorie foods (like sweets). In some cases you may become so weak that you have to lie down until the symptoms pass.
Why It Is Done
Although guidelines vary, surgery is generally considered when your body mass index is 40 or higher or you have a life-threatening or disabling condition related to your weight.
Your doctor may only consider doing gastric bypass surgery if you have not been able to lose weight with other treatments.
The following conditions may also be required or are at least considered:
You have been obese for at least 5 years.
You do not have an ongoing problem with alcohol.
You do not have untreated depression or another major psychiatric disorder.
You are between 18 and 65 years of age.
All surgeries have risk, and it is important for you and your health professional to discuss your treatment options to decide what is best for your situation.
How Well It Works
Most people who have gastric bypass surgery quickly begin to lose weight and continue to lose weight for up to 12 months. One study noted that people lost about one-third of their excess weight (the weight above what is considered healthy) in 1 to 4 years.1

The laparoscopic approach showed similar results, with 69% to 82% of excess weight lost over 12 to 54 months.2
Risks
Risks common to all surgeries for weight loss are simular to those of any surgical procedure.

This picture shows side by side the two surgeries to be considered. You can see physically they do the same thing ( smaller stomach ) its the speration that really defines it all.

She hurts... and theres nothing I can do

So shes hurting inside right now, and theres nothing I can do.
I used to know each and every thing as to why and how she was feeling, and now I have no clue.
Im not the chosen one to comfort her - she wont let me in.
Im not in the know about who or what is on her mind - she hasnt filled me in.
I used to be the one to know each and every thought - I used to be the one to hold her when she was distraought.
My heart breaks that I cant help her. I cant help those who dont want it.
But it hurts so bad that I dont know exactly how to fix it. I miss her as is, and when shes hurting and I can feel it, it makes it all that much worse. I miss her more.
I miss the happiness in her eyes, and I miss sharing these words with her. I miss comforting her laughing with her and even doing nothing at all with her.
I wish she wasnt hurting, I wish she wasnt an emotional mess, I wish she could have enjoyed this past holiday and I hope she knows what she means to me. Regardless of how things are. She deserves so much better than what life has handed to her to make her sad.
I hope shes ok, and I hope to know why someday... Until then Ill keep thinking and praying as I do for her, me, us.

She hurts... and there's nothing I can do.

Christmas Bliss

This year may have been one of the skimpiest Christmas for us as far as gifts go - and I know were not the only family to be feeling the same.

However, being as skimpy as it was, honestly I think this one has been the best in many. Mike was able to be home with no obligations of work or to be working at all that day which allowed for his mind and focus to be where it should be.

It was so nice to finally have him home and dedicated to Madaya and I as to what and when we would be doing things.

Christmas Morning started out so wonderful.

Madaya woke us up at 7 totally unaware of what would be under the tree - she hadn't seen anything but gifts for neices/nephews and those were few at that.

So we light the tree, got her stocking set up, and I readied the camera... eventually we all move out to the front room where she says " wow - PRIZE! " like SUPRISE! " she took it all in for a minute and then we allowed her to open her small gift ( an ornament from grandpa Steve and grandma Lisa )

Then move on to her stocking.

The stocking is 3.5' tall and is bigger than her.

She had so much fun digging through it and finding all her things. After that we sat as she opened her 5 other gifts : Mp3 player and headphones, Candy land Castle game, and Dress Up station, Candy Land board game, and a small elmo and abby caddaby 4" beanie buddies. She loved all of them and started to play with them all right away.

Grandpa and Lacey ( his dog ) had spent the night - and were waiting to give her their gift untill aunt kandis, uncle ryan and the kids could get here ( around 10:30 ) This allowed us some time to enjoy her gifts, and make breakfast. Mikes family tradition he passed to us is " pigs in a blanket " which are maple sausages wrapped in biscuts and baked .. oh sooo yummmy.

After breakfast and some time for play, Kandis, Ryan and the kids came over and we did presents with grandpa... Roo received a ELMO live - as most of you know shes a ELMO fanatic. You can only imagine how that went over pure delight. Nathan and Vicky made out very well too. Grandpa's face was all light up and he enjoyed playing and watching the kids enjoy their gifts.

We had a couple of hours here with them all and then we headed over to Aunt Dee's for the family get together.

We had a great time eating, talking and opening gifts at Dee's. We had chosen to do a potluck style dinnner and everyones food was so yummy from sweetnsour meat balls to home made apple pie! yummers! It turned out wonderful, and easy. It was a long day and we were all tired with in a few hours especially the kids. Mike and I didnt do gifts ok as usual, but the kids all received gifts from the adults.

It was fun to watch them open all their stuff, and they all loved everything. The adults who did the gift exchange seemed to love and enjoy all their gifts.

Roo received : A giraffe ride/sit on from Auntie Bree and Uncle Curt, Elmo slippers, craft items, floor coloring matt and princess stickers from Aunt Ann, A black and pink velour outfit from Aunt Dee, a beta and tank from Aunt Kandis, Uncle Ryan and kids, and a flip out sofa chair from grammy. Everything is so loved and she hasnt really put anything down yet! Madaya made plates for everyone with handprint christmas trees on them, and I filled them up with homemade goodies :) It was nice to be able to share something from the heart with everyone.

It was nice to not have the focus on gifts and be able to think and realize just what the season means to us as a family and how lucky we are to have what we do have and realize that in itself. Theres a reason for this season and I think many people forget what it is! or rather WHO it is!

Mike and I filled a basket for our neighbor thats going through a very hard time and her 2 kids with foods for a complete meal, and some gifts for each of the kids.

We left this infront of her door very early in the morning so they wouldnt know who --- but we know they got them. Its so nice to be able to do something like that and I really enjoy doing it. It helps to remember that no matter how bad things are for us, someone has it worse.

And to be thankful! Merry CHRISTmas everyone and we hope you all enjoyed yours as much as we enjoyed ours!

From the Pemberton-Evans home to yours, Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

A rare pic... us 3.

Roo riding her new giraffe!

Yeah - she was THAT excited!

Listening to her new MP3 Player - through her elephones!

Candy Land Castle!

Mike is good at these pics!

Smile says it all! ( its a kitty )

Christmas magic!

Hum...

Looking in her Stocking

Say CHEEEESE!

2008 review

I got this survey-ish thingy off a friends blog. Its a great Idea so here you have it. Its close enough to the end of the year I think I can sum it up :)

2008 In Review :


1. How did you start out 2008? At my Aunt Dee's house, puting hard labor into a house so well worth it. I was so proud of her to finally be somewhere she wanted to be. We were having fun ( well most of us ) and laughing and talking and working. In my mind I was what I beleived to be happy. I was surrounded with true people. People I love to call my friends, and family.

2. What was your status? Mike and I married for almost 8 years, with one perfect lil girl. We were living what we thought to be our dream, had a beautiful home, nice things, and thought we had it all together.

3. Any changes in 2008? HUGE changes in 2008. Things I couldnt have predicted wouldnt want to have thought of, but now being at the end am so glad have happend. Mike and I were seperated for 4 months. It was alot of miss communication, miss understandings and a whole load of emotions on a crash. We found ourselves but that led us back to each other. We have lost everything matieral wise in our lifes. Our business, our home, our credit worth, and our car. We gained each others renewed trust love and discovered that were 2 stubborn people who didnt see/listen to what each wanted. We moved to our apartment, downsized all we own and Mike came off the road!!
I lost the connection my bestest bro and to this day it hurts. There's been huge changes and I am not sure if they will be fixed or can be or want to be. But Im praying hard!!
Madaya turned 2 - is potty trained, and growing like a week to us. I decided to work on me. Im going to have LapBand surgery and am working hard in that direction.

4. Most loyal friend of 2008? Wow - Unfortunatley its a tough question. My always best everythign, bro, was there each and every step of the way through my personal hell.... then for reasons that I am still unsure of on both sides things got sticky when Mike and I recouped... its on the mend now and for that alone I beleive were both loyal. Time will tell. I do have some pretty awesome people who have been here to pick up my peices and show me what unconditional means. Mike has been loyal! beyond.


5. Best decision made in 2008? Stop living what I thought to be " our dreams " , and finding what I really wanted! and to TRY ( try is very complex apparently ) to let go of those that are only giving me greif. To put me infront of others for a few moments and realize I need to be at my best, to be the best to others!

6. Worst decision made in 2008? Um.... lets scratch this. It hurts to recall.

7. Song for 2008? Realize by Colbie Callait would sum ALOT up!

8. Any new friendships for 2008? Yes, Im so thankful for Karen!

9. Most memorable moment for 2008? Theres been sooooo many. I really have been blessed through everything!

10. Funniest Moments of 2008? Gosh - Madaya is a ball of funniness each and every day... theres so much really! ( read through the blog! )

11. How will you end 2008? Well Mike just got laid off so... our plans, have cancelled But i hope with those who we love and admire who better to ring in the new year with?

The big throne

Madaya has decided she wants to use the REAL big girls potty. Her lil pink princess potty simply wont do ... she needed the throne :)

Im elated that potty training is so well. Shes going consistantly pee and poop in the potty and I never realized how proud I would be. Literally its like a mini party each and every time.

The smile says it all huh?