A first Date

Mike and I are going to try really hard to make a date night. I would ideally like this to be just for us and on pay days...
It would be so nice.

Anyways this also happened to be my " first " real payday so what better way to celebrate.
Mike and I went to a fabulous new place called the " melting pot " and its nothing but fondue.
It takes a couple of hours for a meal, and is on the pricier side, but very romantic, and totally perfect for some serious conversation, and together time.

You start with an appitizer fondue ( cheese, veggies, and fruit ) and then move on to the main dish, salad, and then desert --- all so wonderful.
I really dont know what was more wonderful though - the dinner or the company?

Its so nice to have a date! We had some great conversation, some great time together, and it lasted a few hours. Completely wonderful. Ill spare the sappy details for me!
What a wonderful one at that!

www. meltingpot.com

Time for some good news...

Finally here's some good news, and to alot of you readers, news you may never have thought you would hear.

I am choosing to skip alot of the details for obvious reasons as we spend time healing and such I will simply just state that Mike and I are very much trying to work things out - both life, physically and mentally. He has choosen to come home and to make a huge effort in showing hes sorry and wants to be here. I too have continued with all of my hard work and every day am choosing to stand for my family and with the man I love.

Im not saying its going to be easy, nor do I feel it will be fast. Were living apart still, and trying to learn new steps. We have alot to sort through - but it does feel good to have him near. Both mind and body.

Madaya is sooooo happy to have him near too. She missed him so much and they have so much time and love to catch up on.

I cannot forget the things hes done, pain we both have caused but I can very much forgive it and I want to move forward.

All I am asking for is love and support from family and friends. You dont have to agree and I am not seeking anyones ideals.... only that you respect our choice to unite together and fight for our family.

Its a battle worth fighting.

Allergies or Not?

I am hoping some of you that read this, mainly the mommies can help me out.
You know I have been dealing with roo being " sick " for sometime now, all winter it would seem and things arent letting up.
I am wondering if maybe these fevers, which seem to come on so fast, and hang around for a few days even despite tylenol and whatnot are related to allergies?
Lastnight her nose started running, and she was again throughing up this nasty flemish crap. Its pure goo nothing else. And she gets so misserable.
We didnt sleep at all because she didnt unwind, and then she hasnt eaten in ( today will be 4th day ) 3 days. Shes just not hungry, who would be with all that goo?

Do any of you have any advice, tips thoughts to share regarding this?

And .... Do you think its possible its the pediasure ( if she has a milk allergy - causing some of this ) Seems like nothing but troubles since we stopped nursing, went to formula, and then to the pediasure.
GRRR.

Frustrated that my baby doesnt feel well.

oh funny roo Photo

Look at this silly sweetness.
Sometimes shes the best medicine in the world.

from myspace and beyond

So after yesterdays events I found more stuff out.. Can you see me rolling my eyes. He has another myspace page. I imagine so his lil " friends" cant see the mess hes in. You know being married and all, going through a divorce, NOT paying child support... and just well you know... It really seems he has 2 lifes. I never expected this from Michael at all.

Anyways I was laying in bed thinking ya know - I wouldnt never expected this from him. Hes not the man I loved. The man I loved would have NEVER done this. He would have done anything to see if his family could work, he wouldnt place all the blame on me and he wouldnt be doing such actions to hurt himself. Regardless if he can see it or not he is hurting himself. And he cant see how much it hurts us who love him....

Newsflash : Alcholol will not cure the pain or find the happiness more like it will numb it and give you false illusions.

With this I think I sincerely am better off petitioning for full support and limited visition. If he wants to have this new life and pick when his responsibilities are to be upheld then fine.. let daya and I go.

I have to figure out how to not love him, not want him and not want it to work. I have to figure out how to mourn it and bury it. I need to go on and hope to find return love in the amount I have for him.

I dont know why he chooses to do these things. Its not like he doesnt have someone loving, willing and wanting him no matter what, with no holds, and no regrets.

I didnt want him to just be a father, I wanted him to be a daddy.... I dont see it. Lets not pretend.

I am choosing not to blame myself anymore. I have changed. I have sought help, I did learn the hard way. I did loose everything and the one person I love the most. But you know in the end... Ill be better off. I did my part I tried to see if it could work.
Im the lucky one - I have my daughter and someday maybe if he finds himself and this happiness he is seeking maybe he can have her too? Until then I think shes better off my responsibility. He can play. When hes tired of that we will see what happens...



Heres the copy of my run down of updates off myspace since some of you are buggers! and keep bugging me!

The days fly by so fast, and I have had nothing good to report so I havent been on to update.
So heres the run down :
- Mike is still running bar to bar, being with one person after another ( suddently he has " friends" from each neck of the woods - nice :) . He fucked up and missed his visitation with madaya again, cause of his actions. Im not pleased and now plan on filing all support paper work. He fucked my world up, its time to give him what he deserves.
Ive been patient - really patient. I do love him and didnt want to do any of this to him. Its to the point that he has responsibilites though and they dont wait.
If he can go to the bar every other night he sure the hell can pay for diapers, wipes, medicine and oh yeah LIVING expenses right? Hes not gonna like it.

- Im done asking him to work it out. If he cant see that its him I want to work WITH and come home to and have this family with then his is soooooo fucking out of his mind. Maybe someday his loss will be someone elses gain?
Im tired and Im pissed that he couldnt park that damn truck and make his family work. But hey You know, hes right I do deserve better. For now though I have to figure out how to not love him and not want him. In my mind i keep saying please mike stop this mess, and come home. Lets do this right... but his actions speak soooo much louder than his words and its not going to happen I am so mad that he thinks it has nothing to do with daa and that all of this is ok. oth of us said we never wanted this for our child and bam... hes doing exactly what he dispised.

I can so though I hear hes been talking to his dad. It warms my heart. Ive been wanting that for a while and I feel bad that he can do it now but couldnt then. He chose his actions, and I stood by him but i bet that made me the bad guy huh. After all his family didnt like me so i am sure thats why he can talk to them now. Hurts none the less.

- RE: moving
Im not moving - they have given notices 2 times, but im trying to fight for a fair housing compliance. I dont think mentally daya or I need to be doing another move. things suck. I am a mess, shes a mess and we do deserve stability. For now im holding my ground.

- Work is work.. i love it, but soooo much miss my baby all day and I miss having someone to come home too. Ive never been so flippin lonely.
- My plan of doing something new with madaya is in full swing. Were headed to silverwood soon, and fishing for sturgeon :) In august were headed to the zoo and aquarium and then next october around her birthday were hoping disney land. Depends on what I can save. Im having a hard time adjusting to the fact that our family is now just her and I and I wanted to be doing all this with her daddy. Right now I dont even know what the hell happened to her daddy.

- And finally the last update = MADAYA IS STILL SPIKING FEVERS AND IS BACK ON ANTIBIOTICS.

So he WANTS her? MY ASS!

I cant see past my tears....

So today ( Saturday May 24th ) is his scheduled day to have his daughter, and after him saying he doesnt get why I specified 2 days a month ( 1 saturday every other week ) and that I am so bad for not letting him see her. [Keep in mind I had to specify a minimum for the courts hence my 2 days - since thats about what he see's her now - anyway ] he again is a no show!

ok back to my story

I showed up at his place expecting to drop her off as planned at 9 am and guess who's not home! Low and behold.
This stings. It stings that he says one thing but his actions show another.
Last month he missed a visit cause he was out with someone....

now this was scheduled and he is out god knows what?!

He was yet again at the bar lastnight ( if you knew whats going on - remember hes been going to the bar ALOT and even on a couple of occassions had to get motel rooms ( one on my credit card for another woman! ) and now hes not there. I opened the garage, and no motorcycle. So.....
I guess I can figure what and where he is huh?
The bank account is full of charges from bars from him ... and its a every other day thing at least.

I am kinda glad though cause I may need them some day in court.

I hope the other girl is worth it. I hope the drink is worth it.

I dont know what kind of girl it is since last nights adventure was at trick shots ( a sleeze bar ) and hes been hanging out at other sleeze bars too... like bottoms up, volcano, etc.

Nice..

Can someone please remind me why i love him?

And can someone please tell me how to explain this to our daughter. " Daddy loves you hunny but hes just too busy getting drunk, laid and unresponsible to make sure he has his day with you " Of course I cannot tell her that but you shoulda seen the look on her face when I loaded her back into the car to head back home after making a big deal of seeing daddy.

I hope he knows what hes doing. I hope he knows how much it hurts.

Maybe I really should let him go - and fuck things up so bad I wont be here.
After all its what he wants?!


CRUSHED!

poor daya!

Just the Facts

Just the Facts :

- I did ask him to come home.
- I did take him for granate before.
- I do love him.
- I am not the only one who did wrong.
- I am not the one who cant control my anger.
- I do deserve better from him .... not better than him.
- I have not filed for ANY support for Madaya, and have been patient.
- I have held hope that he is lost, and will find his family to be his light house.
- I am not the one going " out " all the time.
- I was hurt too.
- I have been the full time parent. Mommy is my name.
- I made sure daily daya knew what Daddy was doing working, making sure she would love him, respect him and miss him.
- I held my breath.
- I held things against him. Things that made me bitter.
- I appologized and meant it.
- I have been the one waiting for him all this time... for our life to begin.
- I get butterflies when I think about, hear, or see him!
- I throw up every time I think about him with her.

- I WILL BE OK!

A true song...

Lately theres a song that sticks in my head oh so often.... I think its so true if we both " just realized " .... wed be better off together ... if we just realized!

You can hear the song here


Realize SONG LYRICS
by
Colbie Caillat

Take time to realize
That your warmth is
Crashing down on me
Take time to realize
That I am on your side
Well didn't I, didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, now

Take time to realize
Oh oh, I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you
Take time to realize
Oh oh, I'm on your side
Oh ooo oh ooo oh
But I can't spell it out for you
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, but

It's not the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it too
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way
It could be the same for you

If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other

Just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, now
Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now

Why?

You know I sit here another lonely night here in my apartment, Madaya in bed and me sitting on the couch talking to him as if he was right next to me. God I miss him so much. My tears run dry and I keep thinking this is all I have done for so long... wait. All I did was wait. Im still waiting.
I want to hold him, kiss him, be with him.
Tell him I will never again not speak his language or take him for granite. I want to walk WITH him not infront of or behind him. I want to work WITH him to build the life we dreamed of. Big or small it doesnt matter cause the love is all that counts. Im sorry I lost track of that.

I know we cant fix the past. But we most certainly can build on the good and make a better future.

Why? Why cant we work on each other to be better together?

why.....

What it means

So it came up in one of mike and I's conversation the other day that he thinks we NEED the divorce because IF we were ever to be together it would have to be completely new.
I disagree. We had several good things that we can build on and although i dont want the bad, and want to start building in no way would I consider a divorce helpful. Its clear he will be going through with the divorce even though I have begged, pleeded and shown myself to be true to him. Im choosing to love him just as I always have in hopes that some day he sees however I realize that he may never see.
Once the divorce is final so will I be. No going back - I will not ever ( that I can see ) be with him again and do in all intentions hope to move on after wards. I dont think im destined to be alone, and I have all this love to give, and I loved being a wife. Im hopinng in time things show themselves but for now all i can think about is him and our family. I am still in disbeleif that he wont/dont want to work this out. And i mean ALL OVER! He needs to come home more, and we need to ge thelp to learn to speak each others languages. So much i did was wrong, but his too...
anyways back to my subject hes right were getting a divorce and once its final its final.

We filed for a dissolution of marriage the meaning of :

dis·so·lu·tion Audio Help Pronunciation[dis-uh-loo-shuhn] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. the act or process of resolving or dissolving into parts or elements.
2. the resulting state.
3. the undoing or breaking of a bond, tie, union, partnership, etc.
4. the breaking up of an assembly or organization; dismissal; dispersal.
5. Government. an order issued by the head of a state terminating a parliament and necessitating a new election.
6. death; decease.
7. a bringing or coming to an end; disintegration; decay; termination.
8. legal termination, esp. of business activity, with the final distribution of assets, the fixing of liabilities, etc.


so there you have it exactly the meaning of how he feels about our marriage.
Nice huh?!

Stings like hell.