My today.

This is our blog about yesterday, TODAY and tomorrow so here is my post for today.

Today I am very sad, but in a way a little releived. I guess you can say I was holding or trying to hold on to a friendship that I loved dearly.
Its been missing a while and today I found out that really we just don't fit at all. Not in anyway. Both selfish I guess and deffinetely in different stages of life. Someday I bet they will see but for now I will let it be what it is.
It hurts because it wraps up many many many emotions and things and memories and it stings because shes jaded and beleives only what she wants to.

the thing I thinkI hate the most is she belelieves I must sit around with the " family " and talk shit about others, when in reality I don't think anything has been said but " we miss.... " in AGES they nipped that in the butt and people in general knew its not our thing. sigh... insecurity is what they warned me about.

Many warned us of this from our friends to my physcologist so in all honesty I am going to try to get through this with out too much fret.

It really sucks that it happened near the holidays and near so much going on in our lifes but what they said rings true and no matter what they will still be family.

Just family that apparently we will get to see on their terms in their ways once a year? Lord knows its not going to be this year?!

Its scarey because I think about the things they will miss, the things they wont know or even care about and lord forbid the bad things too.

I will continue to update this blog since it is our family blog though and maybe that way they can kind of see and not have to pretend.

Madaya does have her specialist apt monday to discuss the options of a feeding tube, and the allergies back to back 8 am and 10am.
My cancer screens are this Fri - and next week.
and Mike leaves mid January if all is on track.

Looks like a couple of people get to say " I told you so " and that sucks too. I hate it when people say that!

Name Change

Guess what Guess what?!

You said what?

Ok ---- WE GOT OUR NAME CHANGE PETITIONS!!!

now all that's left is we have to just file them in the Superior courts ( which we still plan to do before the new year ).
And then wait for them to be finalized :). ( add in lots of name change paperwork and records )

Mike and I are super excited. Once thats done we also plan to file legal gaurdianship of Madaya and our living and last testiment wills. All long over due, scarey to think about but must be done.

With Mike going in the service soon, and me just being me its a must that we get these done, recorded and know exactly what happens. The service makes us have it all done apparently. wow - if thats not comforting right/! UGH


If any of you have any input on wills, gaurdianship wishes and or legal matters we would be really interested in hearing your ideas. If it helps solve issues later then great!
Please email us if you have something or advice to share.

Oh I was going to say that No we are not planning on renewing our vows yet ( I secretly think the MR has something up his sleeve though ) and Yes, we will have a service to dedicate Madaya and our new family :) We will keep you posted.

When he goes...

When he goes :

What will we do?
Who will keep me company when I am wide awake staring at the ceiling at 2am?
What kind of joy will daya and I find in " family time "?
Who will support me as much and as fully and my best friend?
Will he know just how much he is loved and missed?
Will he think of us each second as much as we will think of him?
What will it be like to not talk to my other 1/2 for days on end?
What will he look like when he comes home?

When he goes - what happens to us?


Does he have to go?

Do you guys even know?

I heard loud and clear today that again ( despite our tries to not be in it all ) some of the family is very upset with me because ( this is just one reason I guess ( But I am confused ) ) I didn't let them see Madaya on Halloween?!

I took a deep breath before I wrote this, got all my crying out and thought about it and all I want to ask are these things:

Do you guys even know why/ or what has been going on with Madaya? Why we didn't go trick or treating or everywhere or what we even DID do for Halloween?

Did you know she has been so sick and underweight again that they are talking a possible feeding tube if we can't figure her out and keep her up on the charts by her adjusted 3 year mark, we are doing asthma treatments 4 times a day via nebulizer, and lets add in there the added meds for her stomach which apparently is still under developed and not closing causing lots of reflux and her weight loss. She was sick for 3 weeks before halloween, all through halloween, and still just now recovering although this past weekend was a set back.

Do you guys even know that I myself have been super ill. My thyroid is giving me hell - and they are screening for thyroid cancer. I have been sickly and not doing well at all. Lets add to this the anemia and my lack of any energy. No worries though the Dr's have me under control.

Do you guys know that we do miss you and love you but get frustrated that we don't seem to be good enough for any of you? that we don't ever seem to fit in with your busy plans, and lifes. It sucks.

Do you guys know we weren't really having " Tofu turkey " and that it's not very nice of you to make fun of how we eat healthy if you choose not to understand it or ask?

Do you guys even know what else is going on ... do you want to?

Do you guys even know how much we want our FAMILY together way more often, and not just for the " HOLIDAYS " ?

I wish you would have just come to me - not said anything to her about how hurt you are by us, because again it causes problems. Things for us are no different. We are just waiting to see when you guys figure out that we have been here the whole time. To find out where we do fit with you.
Of course I want to see you all for the Holidays I want to see you more than that - but sounds like we don't even get that chance. Sucks.

Do you guys even know?

Thyroid scares me.

2 weeks ago I got a call from my Endo that my thyroid levels were at a deadly level. Litterally. They call it " Thyro-toxicity ". Turn a long story shorter : She prescribed a beta blocker to protect my heart and get things sponged up and lowered my meds 75% will retest in 4-6 weeks.

What scares me ...

Well.
The fact that for the past 17 years we have been dealing with Thyroid issues only 3 times have we ever managed to get a handle on it and get the levels right. I have always had " a goiter " which is a large mass in my throught and I have been struggling with the weight gain from being " HYPO (low) thyroid " It appears since surgery however that I am now HYPER ( too high ) thyroid and that brings issues of its own in to play. This last scare was new to me and upon researching what it meant it has become clear that I MAY have a cancerous lump or a non-cancerus cyst on my thyroid. We will pursue more testing to be sure but even the endo is hard up for answers as to why with great care my thyroid is still all over the place.

There is something going on ( other than rapid weight loss ) that is preventing my system from getting the correct level of thyroid hormones. sometimes my natural thyroid seems to work and others not so much... scarey!

lets add this current issue and mind thought : Its virtually impossible to get pregnant and stay pregnant with a thyroid with killer cells ( most thyroid patients have killer cells if levels arent controlled ) and its apparently deadly if the levels become too high. Ie. heart attack, shock and even poor circulation can happen causing permanate damage. Damn it I just want to be normal. I don't have the ability to fight all this much longer. It's a dangerous game to play - adjusting meds all the time not to mention what it does to emotions, depression issues, anxiety, and even body. I am a mess. I want it figured out.


This next week they will be doing a Ultrasound and repeat tests on the thyroid to see where my levels are and IF there is something we will come up with a plan.
The other thought that is possibly since I am post RNY surgery it may be my system not absorbing the meds correctly.
I am now putting on weight - thank god - but that has to be watched because too much can be bad.

The thyroid controlls EVERYTHING!


Thyroid scares me!

No guys, not this month :)

OK ladies, I know some of you are super curious, but seriously we do not want this infertility trial and ttc journey to be like last.

We are not trying to obsess over each day and each way possible ( but you know it happens a little ).

The answer to many of you is " NO WE ARE NOT PREGNANT " this month.

We just started our 2nd round of fertility meds, and again just playing the " natural as possible " route.

Most of you know that I am also going through the cancer screening, thyroid testing and still batteling with Madaya's health - so TTC is not really on the front burner either :)

We love you for all your support though and to help ease some of the anxiety I have removed some of the info for you chart stalkers.

We will tell when we are ready and when it happens!

Paw-perfect friend wanted... ( again )

We are looking for a new addition to our family .... Again.

We had adopted Katie from the fair, and after trying to acustom her to our home, and family it didn't work. The pound contract said she had to be returned to them in any event so thats what happened.
We are sick over it, and hate that Kia ( our other dog ) had to endure so much pain ( for those of you who don't know - she was being attacked during play and bit way too much! ). Kia's bigger wounds are slowly healing, and our hearts are slowly too but we are lonely.

The pound said we have 90 days to try to find another placement but its not going so well...
Please if you know of anyone with a younger dog pref a male please let us know.

Were not too picky but would preffer a larger breed, and must not be on the " X " list as we are still renting for 2 more years.

..... Help us find a new fur baby!

The Interview

In the past few months some of you have come to know that I feel the need to go back to work part time.
I am not in a huge hurry as its not really a MUST, but rather a want for my personal sanity. As much as I love being home with Madaya it is also a big challenge and we are starting to see some behavior that we feel needs nipped in the butt.
We have agreed pre-school will help but that means a couple of hours a day out of the house for her, and that means bordom for me. So why don't I do something to feel more needed and meaning ful.

I have found the job I have been wanting and it would be a perfect mix. I had 2 phone interviews and then a 3rd interview in person... just waiting to hear if I get it or not.

If given this chance it means alot for us. It means madaya will be going to a pre-school or a mix of pre-school and child care, we would be able to save a few hundred a month ( not much but better than nothing ) and it would mean I can still go ahead with attending school in the near future for my BSW.

I won't post many details yet cause I am just sure I will jinx it but theres something on the horizon ...

Stay tunned!

Here's how I presented...

Ok?!

Make the change...

This may be a touchy post for many and I usually try not to do things like this cause its kind of against my " rules " so to speak.

I decided to go ahead with releasing this because after going to group the other night I realized something. People can't change if they don't know!

Mike is down 90+ lbs in a year, and I am of course post RNY right now and down myself, but his weight loss is purely natural. No additives and no suppliments. He is eating right by learning to curve and cut out some of the things he assumed to be " ok ". The nutritionist is a great book of knowledge and we have both learned so much. Mike is tyring to drop quickly so he is consuming around 1700 calories a day - Everyone will be different, so this is only an ideal.

How many times have you heard from ANYONE about how " They don't like how big they are ", " They don't think they eat wrong " " They don't get why they are STILL not loosing "
We all hear it from many people, and usually the answer back for most is " If you are happy then be happy " or something like " no your fine ! ".

The cold hard truth is many of " us " even if thin are extremely unhealthy and most are overweight if not the O word ( which you all know I hate ).

The truth : 9 in 10 americans are overeating at EVERY MEAL! Are you?

I talked to my NUT about this and she said I should share the wealth of knoweledge and just maybe 1 or 2 may learn something and use it. My PhYs. Agreed and this has since become my " homework. "

This can help anyone wanting to drop as little as 1 lb, maintain their current weight or even loose more...

no one has asked for anything in particular if you dont think you have a problem, I urge you to think again, and then read....
If you can't or don't want to hear about HEALTH and WEIGHT and NUTRITION then here is your warning to not go forward!


*********************************************************************************

First there's a ton of info out there on healthy life style changes. I hate the word DIET, always have and always will. I have had to make major chances not a diet, and this will be in place forever. Google simple healthy low -fat recipes and soak it all up. ( I also have a ton if your interested ) Try www.Nutritiondata.com

Second use a calorie counter of some sort. I use and LOVE www.dailyplate.com because you can put in what you have had for that day and it computes it for you. It also will tell you what you SHOULD be eating calorie wise for your weight goals and help you customize this - this can come in handy for printing shopping list, family meal plans etc! There are several other methods too ( weight watchers points, spark people, AOL health, etc... ).

Third for 3 days before you start making any changes take time to write down on a peice of paper EVERYTHING AND HOW MUCH goes into your mouth. Be sure to count liquid too because many don't realize how many empty calories they are consuming! ( I.e. Lattae @ approx 500kcal, 1 glass milk at 120kcal, soup can exceed 400kcal per normal consumption )

now when you have decided to make some simple changes lets get down to this : There are hidden issues in EVERYTHING! You think your doing something healthy but are you?

Keep Journaling all your doing! It helps keep you accountable and makes you see what your REALLY doing.

1. Pay close attention to serving sizes & labels
Did you know that 1 box of " pasta roni " ( this based on white cheddar shells FOR REFFERENCE ONLY ) should serve about 2 and 1/2 people!? Sounds like alot but not really when considering that label is assuming to be part of a 2000 calorie diet. Really it should be feeding about double what it says if used as a side dish!
So lets use that label as listed assuming this is your MEAL ( no other food or drink ). Prepared as directed would be 380 calories per person x 2.5 = 950 calories in the whole box! If a person was to eat this it would be 1/2 the days allowance really and thats just calories that AREN'T being used. Yes there are ways to modify the calories but still in all be sure to pay attention to the pasta and sauce itself. In reality the milk and butter are just adding that much more, theres alot hidden as is! Read more...
On that same label for one serving ( remember this is a 2000 cal plan ) its saying you will have received 40% of your daily allowance for SATURATED FAT! and 22% of your allow for FAT.
Skip the extras.

2. Do not consume calorie laden beverages. If you do make sure your counting them and DO NOT DRINK WITH A MEAL!
These beverages ( and ANY others ) go right through you and DO count for calorie intake and does NOT COUNT for nutrition ( or count minimally )

* our bodies do not know the difference as to where the calories are coming from. So if your drinking the calories your body still counts it as food.

For example :

White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks® 16 oz Grande
16 fl. oz. Calories 470 Fat Calories170 Total Fat (g)18
Saturated Fat (g)12 Trans Fat (g)0Cholesterol (mg)50Sodium (mg)240
Total Carbohydrates (g)63Fiber (g)0Sugars (g)59
Protein (g)15 Vitamin A15% Vitamin C0% Calcium50%Iron0% Caffeine (mg)150

Whole Milk : 1 cup (8oz) Whole Milk
Amount per Serving Calories 150Calories from Fat 70%
Daily Value *Total Fat 8g12%Saturated Fat 5g 25%Cholesterol 35mg 12%
Sodium 120mg Potassium 380mg 11% Total Carbohydrate 12g 4% Sugars 11g
Protein 8g

Stick to water, tea ( with no sugar or sugar free sweetner ), coffee ( no cream or sugar ) etc.

3. Cut out the " snacking " " grazing " and " just - one's ".
For example : Just one palm full of peanuts/nuts can be 220cal 1/2 of which from fat.
1 yogurt min. is 100 cal, 1 tsp of sauce, gravy etc 30 cal.

Even if its " veggies " don't graze they still count!

4. Eat dense healthy foods and proteins first.
Pay attention to serving sized when dishing, but make sure your eating your meat, veggies and whole grains firts. Avoid the sliding foods like yogurt, cottage cheese, jello, salads etc that can go through you too quickly and aren't that nutritious. Use those foods as your mid-meal replacements.

5. Avoid using oils, fats, butter and sauces to cook.
You may think 1tbs of Extra Virgin Olive Oil is healthy, or that only 1tsp of butter is ok.. but LOOK at what your adding to your foods. EVOO can have 100 cal all from fat in 1 table spoon! Yikes right?! Yes, you need some fat, but make sure your getting it from proper places so that your body stores it in proper places and not our naughty zones!

Ok so theres a short list of simple things you can do.

Theres many tips ANYONE can use. All the of the above are for full stomachs no WLS patients so please becautioned if you have had WLS this is not right, our plans are modified considerably.

If any of you are serious about wanting to change and need help or inspiration please email us. I would be happy to help. We are great at modifing recipe's and looking at over all intake as well.

We love each of you and support you!

Do it for your health!

* I wanted to note, after a nasty email ( thanks butt face! ) that I AM THIN, BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I AM HEALTHY , NOR DO I THINK I KNOW IT ALL. I havn't spent these thousands of dollars and counteless hours to not let things sink in. I am working hard to gain and maintain weight while increasing my health. Even with that I am way healthier than I was 100lbs ago. They say a 10% loss for anyone is a huge improvement in health! I challenge you do try it!

And to answer you -Yes, I have had a blizzard and even a bannana split. This doesn't mean I have 3 a week or need them. It was a treat. I am glad you were so quick to judge me though from another state even! IMPRESSIVE!!

WLS : Faced my fears...

... And won!

Mike and I attended Epicurean Delight lastnight.

My fear : A room full of high end foods, deserts and the best wine this city has to offer.... and me wanting to have it all.
My reality : I am better than that and I CAN AND DID MAKE GREAT CHOICES!!! ( and looked fabulous doing so ;) ).

It's an emotional thing for me, so I won't detail much right now that I know some of you cannot understand but I want to talk about it in depth I just need a minute. I wan't to be honest and say that it IS JUST NOW I am coming into the mind that THIS IS WHAT I AM!

( Sad - BUT TRUE ).

These pics will say alot I think! Please remember I am only 7 months post op!

I promise to blog more about it later but I know some of you curious cats wanted to know ( thanks for the text this morning to check on me K! )