The sacrifices she makes...

... are hard to put in ones mind.

I have a friend, a long time friend of whom I am so glad to be able to call that. I love her with all my heart, and her family as if they were my own. Ive loved her kids all from day 1 of their lives, and wont ever stop watching, learning and loving them. They have been through ups, and downs, ins and outs and through more than most can imagine.

This past year for her has been full and I do mean FULL of sacrifices for her. Shes doing it because she loves her husband, and her kids.
Shes doing it because she wants better for them in alot of ways.... But what I fear is that she will if not already loose herself.
Shes so wonderful, and caring, and really deserves to be fully happy. If this is her happiness then great - thats all I want for her. If not, I hope she finds it soon.
There has to be a happy medium somewhere.

We sure miss her, and although she got the chance to come home, and hopefully will come " home " again, it just doesnt fill the place of knowing shes not around the corner or only a few minutes away anymore.
Instead, a phone call means so much - and we both get so busy that its hard to remember to pick it up.
A text can say alot though --- I know she reads this and until recently I didnt know just how much she wanted, more like needed to keep up.
I know she misses us, loves and and needs us to but for now, they are sacrifices.

lots of people who love her have sacrificed something too! A daughter, A aunt, A friend, A sister even an employee. Hows that for sacrifice!
Shes had to make alot too!

It takes a certain kind of strong person to do such things, and stay grounded. Im proud of you and I know that someday you will be rewarded. They are one lucky bunch to have you - never forget that. NEVER FORGET TO TAKE CARE OF YOU WHILE YOUR TAKING CARE OF THEM!

(( hugs ))

the reality of it all

re-al-i-ty 
–noun, plural -ties for 3, 5–7.
1. the state or quality of being real.
2.resemblance to what is real.
3. a real thing or fact.
4. real things, facts, or events taken as a whole; state of affairs: the reality of the business world; vacationing to escape reality.
5. Philosophy .
a.
something that exists independently of ideas concerning it.
b.
something that exists independently of all other things and from which all other things derive.
6. something that is real.
7. something that constitutes a real or actual thing, as distinguished from something that is merely apparent. —Idiom
8. in reality, in fact or truth; actually: brave in appearance, but in reality a coward.

I can't sleep and it seems to be yet again another night with alot on my mind. What better way for me to finally close the day, and my eyes and rest, than to come spill my mind. Sometimes in private but mostly for all to see, if they care ... on MY BLOG.

I love this blog, I really have come to enjoy and love blogging more and more!

Anyways Its been a long couple of days. Alot to take in, to think about and to just reflect on I guess.

We found out monday that for sure we got our new home ( rental of course ) but without the additional deposit we just *knew* for sure we would need since our credit and stuff sucks now... but we dont need it. It was a huge blessing, and were so excited.

I am not scared about our new home, rather what comes along with leaving this one, and moving to it.

When I moved into this apt, it was without my husband. I was a mess, looking for a fresh start and a new begining. Madaya and I needed a safe, conveiniant and reliable place to grow and learn a whole new way. When Mike and I got back together, we figured we would keep this as long as we could while we got back on our feet, and figured our credit/financial self's out....

Skip forward, this home isnt suiting us. Were not exactly " at home " here, and for many reasons I think I know why.

For those same reasons, I beleive we together, are making a great, healthy choice to be moving when and where we are moving to!

thats reality!

My other reality is this: Some things scare people. Period.

Reality is I am going to have my WLS surgery. It will be the RNY Bypass, and I will be doing this as soon as insurance gives me my final go ahead, and the labs are done. I chose to share this info with those I love, because I thought I would need the support. Many people told me that they ( they who have had surgery ) wouldnt choose to tell everyone if they had to do it all over again, and I think I am begining to see why.

The reactions range widely. I get some great raves, and many oh boys!

I guess this really hit me the other night, when we were at dinner. My aunt found out I was doing bypass vs. the band and wasnt happy. I could see it in her eyes, she voiced it well, and I know shes scared.

She stated " I would rather be fat than have the surgery" and " I know so many who have had it and died " . Whoa - hold the train.... She must know every failure than because really, statistics show a slim to none, chance of failure, and or death?! on top of that... heres my reality I AM NOT THAT FAT - therefor its not an issue of living "fat" vs. having surgery.

Reality check : Am I overweight - YES. Moribly obese? Yes. National standards say 40 BMI ( see my BMI blog ) is morbidly obese although I am at a mere 40.1 BMI. That means tops I am 100lbs over weight.... however with my medical conditions I more than qualify since you have to have a BMI of 35 or more if you have ANY of the co-morbities ( deseases that can lead to death ) : diabeties - CHECK, Endocrinolgy issues : CHECK, High blood pressure : CHECK, High Cloresterol despite diet : CHECK, sleep apnea : CHECK, and or Asthma : CHECK. So... looks like reality is by all means this surgery could help me! Im not " just fat " .

Reality is that I could very well die just as easy from any one or combo of my conditions, and that those risks are higher than that of the surgery!

Im having alot of anxiety of the surgery - they say this is normal, and have given many ideas on how to deal with it. You know whats odd to me, is that most of my anxiety is about how people will respond to the drastic changes Im undertaking. Ive come to another reality - they will either be there or not, and chances are those that arent, are just plain uncomfy with themselves. If they love me and want to see me healthy they will love me and support me in this long but rewarding journey.

Reality is that things will change. I will change in looks, and feelings, and the way I eat, and this can and will make others feel weird.

Reality is that I may look sick a while- because they are used to seeing me as ME.
Reality is that once my body adjusts to the major chances I can absolutely live happily and healthily ever after :)

Thats a pretty good reality huh?

Other things in reality have been weighing on me too - but those are to major things. 2 major issues staring me right infront of my eyes. I am so excited to take on these next 2 chapters, and see what comes next. Im feeling stronger, happier and more renewed than ever, and feel the winds are blowing in the right direction!

Reality.... May as well embrace it.

Fine feathered friends

FREEZING feathered friends!
I was at Manito Park taking photos today for a family, and I stopped on my way out to peek at the quakers as roo likes to call them.

I snapped a few shots of them.
They were so funny quaking along swimming in the lil pond of water left of the big pond, because so much of it is frozen.
They were jumping off the edge, and biting at the ice edge

( maybe in hopes of making a bigger pond? ) .
There was my favorite one today too. Shes a creamish color, you can spot her far away. The only one in the park like her!
Then there was one with a broken feather sticking out.
I thought they are so halarious. They each have little attitudes.

My feathered friends are freezing!

2 am and I must be lonely..

but i dont think thats the case.

Im just too tired to sleep.

Funny too cause I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, knowing that we will move in March to a place we can stay and save for our perminate home, and that its what we need it to be :
- Out of the city
- Cheap
- Nice and QUIET
- Acive - theres gonna be a pool, fitness center, a park etc!
and...
were not out any money. Infact its about what we pay now, only almost 2x the size :)
We can make it our home. theres only so far apartment walls can take you. Roo wants a yard - she will love it :)

so why cant I sleep?

Theres not much else on my mind.
Im excited for my surgery - and my new home - and kinda worried about how to pull both off so close together, but I know that part will be ok. Mike promised so :)
So what what is it?
Hungry ? Nope.
Thirsty ? Nope.
Need to Pee ? Nope.
Thats all that usually keeps me up?!

grrr. Im frustrating myself.

Ok ive blogged my thoughts - as random as they may be
I feel better...

Hmmmmm

We know where were moving to!

I cannot tell you how happy I am and at peace to know where we will be going when our lease is up here.

We know we cant stay here - for various reasons.

but now we know where we will try to make our home forever, until we buy another.

Mike wanted out of town. I wanted my own place none the less.

We found a place called Windsor Crossing, they are building ( actually remodeling ) old military houses, out near the base.

Its wonderful and is the answer we needed.

Cheap to get in to. Its our OWN home, its would be a 3bd/2 bath at just under 1700sf all on one level.

We can paint it, deco it live in it as we want.

We seen it tonight - its HUGE!!!

rent is what we pay here - plus we pay water, sewer, garbage and electricity together of 120.00 to the office :)

its gonna be great....

Coming this spring there will be a pool, club house and fitness center!! WOOT WOOT

all 10 minutes out of town.

I attached our floor plan. Our home will be ready mid feb, but we will move late march when our lease is up! ( and after weve painted ). We hope to paint the inside a nice green color, and in our room a chocolaty brown or so!!

We have our new addy and everything :)

Roller Derby Baby?

Look at our roller skating diva :)
Madaya went skating with her cousins for their school skate night - and had a blast.
Pics sum it up!
There werent skates small enough so had to make do with big ones :)
much too fun!

FILLIN' UP THE TANK :)
locking up the goods!

SHE DID IT ALL ON HER OWN!

CHEEEEESE!

SO CUTE

Best if she wants to be!

I recently had posted a thought I had been having.

.... And I think I got a good answer!
She is the Best! Shes the best for herself right now, Shes the best for many at this time. And shes doing the best that she knows how.
I think she scares her self, or worries alot about maybe things not being how they should, awkward or maybe just not " right " . But hopefully she seen things are fine. Should be. and will be?
I took a big plunge. I asked to make plans. Good plans. but with no set boundries. Take it as it comes type of things right?
.... RIGHT!
It was perfect we all had a wonderful day, and I dont mean just Mike and I... I really hope all of us. We shopped, had dinner, then went out for some fun. It was just like old times. Good times. the times we missed and are missing!
Oh how we missed.
" It didnt feel weird at all " she said at one point lastnight... Why would it? Were us.. your you. Its never been an issue!
" I missed you " she said... we missed you too.
" We need to do this again " she said... OF COURSE WE DO DAMN IT!

So hopefully this is a great show of what it should be, and maybe what needs to happen. A leap of faith of both parties for sure. But its not like its never happend before :).
Im proud. Im happy. Im hopeful. Im taking one thing at a time.
Theres soooo much more I want to explore, and I've missed out on. Wonder if she wonders what shes missed?

Time will tell, and I can tell with time things should be fine. Lesson learned!
Shes the best she can be, right now!

WLS UPDATE : Physc Eval take 2

So I anxiously awaited from last thursday until today for the " Second part of my Physcological Evaluation ".
I was nervous because first, no one ever said it would take 2 visits, and I was worried and just * knew * I was going to fail since Dr. P wanted to see me again today...

Upon getting there, we were talking about last thursdays visit and stuff, then got into more of the how I plan to handle this, what I think of all of this etc. And how I want to continue to see her. I like to have a therapist, and I do like her ALOT. Shes wonderful and told me that last week listening to me was hard for her, because she is so much like me.
Infertile ( had children through adoptions ), medically ill, once overwheight etc.

She said that I unlike so many others, answered things on my test in ways she hadnt seen. I apparently am NOT interested in this surgery for cosmetic reasons, and really wanna persue my health. Why I had to pay to figure or prove this all is beyond me, but there it was in black and white :)
To sum my extensive 2 hour visit up in a few brief words : I GOT THE GREEN LIGHT AND FULL SUPPORT FROM DR. P!!!!!!

She will be sending my stuff over to the surgeon this week, so we can file for final insurance, and then schedule PRE - OP!!!
WOOT WOOT.
Im thrilled.

I will see her again before surgery, and then a couple times after, to help deal with some of the anxieties about this all. I feel really positive in this direction and am happy to be on the other side of this lil hill now :)
Now...

While I was waiting outside for my mom to pick me up, I snapped a few misc pics of her building and the others around it.
She owns/and works out of the " Undercliff house " which is a mansion built in 1889. Its so breathtaking!
infront of the mansion is a the Marycliff highschool from the early 1900's and snapped these on the walk around...
simple snap shots from my cheapie digi in b/w

* Ive been reading alot about these buildings and will post soon for your pleasure *

I am proud of him

I am so proud of Mike.
Ive always been proud but I guess didnt always show it, so he says.
So in my honest attempts to let it be known maybe this is a clue.
I am so proud of him for so many reasons, but recently hes been very tested. With time, money and me of course.
With work mainly however.
His work, in which he LOVES and is so blessed to have, wanted to lay him off, even told him on the spot one day, that he needed to be laid off and he would be loosing his run.
He was crushed. Hes worked so hard for these guys, and done so much. He was happy there...
but he put one foot infront of the other, and kept on working as they needed him.
Call it luck, faith whatever we got a huge snow storm that brought a ton of snow... its just what he needed. 1/2 the crew couldnt work in it so guess who they would call - MY HUSBAND. Honest, hard working, likeable Mike go figure.
He seen them through like any dedicated employee would - why? because he beleives in the company.
He was sad they didnt beleive back.
Meanwhile he knew he was still facing a lay off - he looked for other work, filing out applications setting up interviews etc.
Then one day he got the word he wanted to hear " they would make a spot for him and promise the 40 hr. Min at his hourly rate " He accepted it, and has been thankful for it.
Im so proud of him for holding to what he knew to be true. For never giving up and for beleiving that sometimes things can go right.
He deserves alot more, and in time i bet this will grow - but all I want him to know is IM PROUD OF HIM!

For all he does, for all he is, and for the man I love!

WLS Update : Required Support Meeting

Tonight I finished another of the requirements for pre - op.

I went to the WLS support group meeting.
These meetings are held each month on the 1st Tuesday and the 3rd Thursday.

Mike went with me and it was very nice to sit and see first hand some pre op, post op, and milestone wls patients.

Theres all walks, all sizes, and all personalities there, and I fit right in.

I learned a few new facts :

* At 4 months post op the average weight loss is appx 50lbs.
* Vitamin D is dependant on Calcium so both must be balanced well with the vitamins
* Hospital stays are about 3-5 days. 2 being the absolute earliest for release.
* You can drink water all day up to your meals, but dont drink for 30 minutes after you eat.

I think these montly meetings will be important as I am sure to have sooo many more questions! but for now, this one was squeezed in because I had to have at least 1 in before the pre- op meeting.

Glad I went.