Spew it out!

Well the counsler said it would happen and it did. I got so mad, and so down that I finally needed to " tell him " everything. I kept it in way too long and maybe even too late?! When I called the counsling line ( which by the way spokane mental health at 838-4651 has counslers who can help 24/7 if you need one ) I thought theres no way this will happen I wont break down - I will be ok and I will just put my wall up - WRONGO!

Everything I felt, feeling, loosing, wanting etc.

I told him ( mike )
i wanted to downsize a few months ago -- to be better for our family. And i guess in there somehow be it me or him, that included with my mom?! I dont think shes the only issue, but it is a big one at hand. We havnt been alone, and I want that. I do want a life with my HUSBAND and my DAUGHTER. And I told him I wish i woulda said it sooner --- I really dont know why I didnt.
I told him i dont know what the future holds, only that I only see him in it. I dont know where we will work, what we will live in but none of that matters.. what matters to me is to have him, and madaya. Maybe its too little too late? Or maybe he just is so tired he cannot hear me shouting or that he cant see me standing here - maybe.

I told him i WILL NOT sign any papers yet - as i dont think that being away - on the road - and not here to deal with things and truely honestly " getting help to get through this " is not fair. He made this dession while in the most alone time and its got to hurt. Honestly when he told me the other day that he was done, i didnt think he would call the attourney let alone his whole family.... I really kept holding my breath thinking that all we talked about a couple of weeks ago ( selling the truck,me going to work - him going to school etc ) would still happen. He has no idea how much i was looking forward to him finally FINALLY being home.FINALLY BEING HOME!!!
Hes the one thing ive wanted... the one thing. No house, No fun, No NOTHING, is worth the price he wants me to pay by giving him up - he is my husband, and i know i am to follow him, no matter how hard it is, but how do i follow what i dont beleive in ( divorce ?) . I can make all the baby steps i want, i can remind myself to eat to breath and to wake up... of course, but i feel so dead, cause thats everything i want to do with him.

Ive got stacks of scribbled notes from over the last month ( he came hom before valentines day and we had a wonderful time, i didnt want him to go! ) of ideas and ways we can make this work - and function on a much better level. Ive got schools, and income ideas, and carreer paths and just a shit load of info i thought we would need that i did for us, and i get to shred it all because I want none of it... none of it without him.

Ya know?! I think he was shocked to hear that I was wanting to move with Madaya on my own. I honestly think he thought - i would just be moving in with someone? I dunno but i do know this isnt how i thought ... i thought for sure we * WE * would sell the house, and move to better way of life for us.. I thought for sure we would both have to 10 steps back to finally have what weve both been missing from each other - which in reality is EACH OTHER?! I knew he would be loosing alot too to gain much more! I know hes worked hard to get where hes at cause ive been here supporting this effort - i know its got to be hard to think about doing it all. I know this cause it takes my breah away too! He never did do anything half assed and i guess thats what i feel hes doing to us --- 1/2 assing it. I say this soley because its not working with him on the road - and me at home. Its not working how things are so we should try another way - 50/50 no more of this off balance stuff. Cause we make one hell of a team!



Ive gotten tons of advice, from tons of different people over the last two days, and the best advice was " remember april, that everyone has to learn something hard hopefully its not loves lesson, but if it is and you fight through it it could have the most beautiful end to the story " . God i pray so! I want to be able down the road to tell someone in my shoes, how hard it was to work for this, but that the pay off is so wonderful. I want to stand proudly with my husband, and look him in the eye and know that that love, that bond, that feeling is something we both hurt for, longed for, thought for and through our hard work are happy for.

I dont want to take him for granate. I dont want him to not know just how much he means to me and a lil more. I want him to know how much I honor him and respect him for all he has done - hes litterally given me life. They could have pulled those support cords, they could have not given me blood, they could have let me die - but he loved me too much! He is the reason im here, the reason I have a beautiful miracle a sign of our true deep love. I dont want him to not know what im doing each minute of every day.
I want him to feel the love he has from me. More than words... actions.
I want him to come home to me - to finally, give him that great big hug, and cuddle up for dinner and tv together - I want a walk with him, or to go to brunch with him... all the things, i try to do with others all because I simply am missing him.

I wanted us to get a new place, a new start - im not saying that we would be happy right away or that it would be smooth sailing. I would love to be back to work soon, so he can work close to home and re-learn all this. My gift of thanks for all hes done and sacrificed for me. I would love to see him and help him make it through school. I want him to be selfish for him as he gets some things he needs, all the while giving me what I need - him. I want us to see someone to help point us in the healing direction as theres been tons of hurts and wrongs along the way ... tons. I want to not be the person that hurt him " one last time " I want him to come home to me, to madaya and to fully know that we can do this... and i want him to know that hes stronger than he thinks.

To the ends of the earth - is where I could and should follow, of this he is right. If only in heart and soul is where its hard. For way too long i have been home, waiting on him. Supporting his venture ... for way too long i have had a wall up that tells him " go away, i dont want you here " because apparently thats how i thought I could tell myself that so i wouldnt hurt when he left.. and what did i do? I HURT MORE... HE HURT MORE.

I want my husband. I want him to know how much he is welcome here both in my heart and in OUR home. I want him to know I do miss him and I do cry myself to sleep while hes on the road. I want him to know I cannot imagine how alone he must feel out there with nothing but metal and noise to sourround him - and theres nothing at the end of the day to come home to . I want him to beable to relax and enjoy life, and not squeeze it in when hes in town for 2 days... I mourn the fact that daya doesnt have her daddy close, and I hate HATE the fact that hes a Long haul driver. I grew up in a home with a father gone... I didnt like it. I dont want to do that to daya. I dont want mike to be a father - i want him to be daddy. I dont want to have him see her on weekends or days off.. i want him to see her hold her breath her in .. DAILY. All things I wanted from the begining!

I want story times with daya and daddy, I want him to be able to give her her bath, or read her her book for the 14th time in a day - i want him to hold her when shes sick and calling for daddy and theres nothing mommy can do but rip out the damn picture. I want him to be here.

I want to work and build a strong marriage from ground up.

I want to appologize for everything ive done to him -
IM SORRY
For yelling at him for " almost knocking the wedding cake over "
For telling him hes just like his dad
For telling him he acts like an asshole sometimes
For saying I dont want you here
For not telling him I would be 110% all the time no matter what - SOONER
For being scared to admit I was beyond ready to be just us, and that mom needed to move out.
For saying that hes not making me happy - cause he has, did and always will
For making him think hes not enough ...
For making him leave us... making him return to work.
For keeping you thinking that he wasnt good enough for me
For letting him think that I am ok with him not being around
For not stepping up when I needed to.

For.... EVERYTHING.

He got upset, and i do get it - that I " threw his friend under the buss " in a previous blog ( remember blogs are to blog how I am feeling, thinking etc ) and saying that it was mean to say " his friend in arizona " NEVER FIGHTS WITH HIS WIFE " well shit i wanna know what they do to make life so rosey! " I said that because hell yeah im jelous.. cause they arent any different than me.. other then they show it. I want to be shown. I want to learn. Daniel and Megan PLEASE SHOW ME . SHOW ME HOW YOU SHOW YOUR FREAKING LOVE... I am so jelous. Mike tells me all the time that this is how you are.. so do tell. I didnt say it in a mean way --- i said it out of hurt and anger that I want my husband to know that he can and totally deserves all that happiness as well.

Its 2 am..... I am so tired, yet I cannot sleep. I cannot think about what happens next, and I keep praying that God will show me what I need to do.

I go to a counsler monday - ( well i called and they said see if i can do a walk in monday ) and I want to tell the counsler that I didnt have an example of how a marriage works growing up so that I need to learn the hard way - and I want them to show me how... teach me to put into actions how my heart feels. I want someone to hear me, here me cry because my husband isnt wanting to come home and see its real - and that we can do this.

I told him EVERYTHING - and I want him ....

I know our wedding vows by heart, after all I practiced them enough, cause I was soo sooo happy to be marrying my true other half. I look on them and think ive been so foolish. I did put others before him - and i shouldnt have - I did not follow - and i should have - hes been there for sickness and health --- and i want to make sure hes there for better or worse.. and till death do us part. Iwatched our wedding video a couple of weeks ago around when i first told him i was needing a new start, and i thought while watching it - how could i be at this point, where I am beggin that man pouring his salt into the glass WITH ME to go back to the life we left off? I truely didnt know at that time that he was feeling the same way about that woman ....

It feels so good to let it out, and ive been crying so much ive puked 3 times, I have paused this at least as many, and my head is pounding and I want to go to bed - our bed. A cold lonely bed - and think of him as i do every night - and pray as i do everynight that hes thinkign of me. being safe. and will come home soon.

I told him I am not going to sign anything yet - untill we see if we can make it honestly see if we can make it. This included him parking that fucking truck. Me getting back to work. Us trying to rebuild our marriage and our lifes TOGETHER hand in hand for a better future for our daughter, to keep a happy home full of love, laughter and to show her that you work for what you beleive in. and that hard work, sometimes the most excruciating work... can be wonderful!

Im going to look at it as a savings account.. im going to put all i am into it and slowly, but surely over time all that interest is going to pay off! I beleive it.

Shouting at the roof top I LOVE HIM AND WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO MAKE THIS WORK FOR GOOD not for 1 week, not for 4 months not for 1 year for GOO. and getting nowhere yet.

Im gonna go laydown. Madaya is sure to be up in a few hours.

When your world crashes?

I keep wondering how people manage to live when their world crashes down?

So When your world crashes what do you do? MY WORLD was my husband and my daughter and now i only have my daughter. Friends who have been through this till me that each day I will find a new peice of me and before I know it I will feel ok again, but right now all i can feel is....well, NOTHING. Litterally numb. The tears flow without thinking about anything, my face is swollen from the pure hell im feeling inside, my guts are wrenced and the one thing i want the most cannot even hear me screaming! Not that it would do anything at all but I feel like I am suffering alone ya know?!

Will i go on? And be able to love as much again? Can someone love me? My daughter? etc? Where will i live, what will i do... will he come back to me? All these things run through my mind and all because the 1 thing i wanted couldnt happen.

I only wanted him home, to work to live to cycle as a normal couple. To come home at night or whenever to know that I too needed him as much as he needed me. But alas, the love of being gone and the fear that hes not lovable had gotten the best of him. I feel soooooo soooooo - ( to be filled in when i can feel ).

When your world crashes and you dont know what to do with it all you just keep reminding yourself to breath - even when it hurts, put one foot infront of the other even when you cant remember where you last stepped and to stay focuses even when you cannot think of anything to focus on.

...... at least thats what Im going to try to do.

Now is his time?

The time more than ever when I need to remember to Breath! Mike has decided he is done. I know ive said this a million times over but this time I have conceided as well!

Im still numb, but have to get this off my chest.

Im going to go on and live and know that this is not my fault. I love my husband wholy and competely with no reservations but its not enough? Recently hes made the decission that he wants to become a chef. He wanted this for a long time... a really long time! I was so happy to hear, and blissfully thinking this of course meant he would finally be coming home to build a life in one place with us... little did i know he was thinking AWAY at school. He wanted me to tell him i could and would up and pack everything - and i cant tell him that. I dont want to move me or madaya. I wouldnt see him anymore as going to school working and all that comes with a high profile career like that is not easy and wouldnt keep him home either. I love having extended family around- no make that love it. His family and mine!! What I wanted is my husband to want us, for us to be the reason to stay home and work locally - and he cant do it.

I have to accept that no matter how much love him, he firmly beleives i dont love him enough and cant love him enough. I cannot do anymore to prove to him, and im drained. I have to accept that although i am not good enough for HIM, it doesnt mean I am not good enough period.

He doesnt like that we argue, that we often disagree and that we dont do everything together ( hunting, fishing, motorcyle etc ) He beleives that we should be happy and whole all the time and that there should be no differences.
I happen to think that some of those differences is what makes us human, and makes us no less.

I want him to be near, have a family and start completely over even if from scratch. He wants to be a chef, no more kids, and to have fun i guess? Yet at the same time i dont know that he knows what he wants.

He likes to say he knows lots who never argue.. his friend in arizona " NEVER FIGHTS WITH HIS WIFE " well shit i wanna know what they do to make life so rosey!

I want to know why it is that no matter how much i dedicate to him ( in my eyes im dedicating alot, waiting, sitting, supporting him while hes away and wishing he was closer ) that im wrong?

I dont think i failed persay in anything except i shoulda seen it coming. I shoulda knew I didnt want him gone all the time, and that it makes things impossible to work on if hes away.

I sit here broken, trying to take care of roo and hes in his truck with a loaded trailor thinking of how to make the divorce work.
I have to give up thoughts of making marriage work..........

I have to remember to breath!

And maybe, just maybe if i wake up each day and focus on something new and something that needs to be done it will get easier in time. For now though, the man i love the most, the man i built my life and dreams on and around, just fell..

as i mourn the baby we just lost, i now get to mourn my marriage. I cannot imagine whats to come and the pain im about to indure.

Bitter Sweet?

You know bitter sweet fits alot of things in our life, but expecially one thing inperticular.
The relationship between us, and mikes dad and step mom.

Things have been rocky much of the time, and last year mike decided not to speak with, to or of them. This came after much heartache and let downs and mike was tired of hearing it all. We chose to bring madaya into the world with out knowing her daddys dad, and stepmom. We were ok with this, but always knew we would someday tell madaya about them and why things are the way they are. Until now it hadnt really come up as we just plain out havent seen them, talked to them or the like.

They were in town and with the permission of Mike we agreed to let them have the choice to meet their grandaughter.
Much to our surprize they met our conditions ( they had to come to her, meet her cause they WANTED to, and keep it very cordial ) and came and met her.

It was a great visit. The kids all had so much fun, and it was great to let them see her. She didnt know exactly what to think like with anyone she doesnt know but at least we have pics, and stories to tell her when she is old enough to understand.

Here are some of the photos

Grandpa Steve with the girls
Toria Daya and Belicia


Lisa with the girls
Toria Daya and Belicia


Corey ( mikes baby brother ) with madaya

Update on my goals

I know Its been awhile since ive blogged so i guess I will bring you up to date on my new goals for 2008!

Bringing you up to date on my goals..


LOL.. theres no change.

Goals still the same. I need to get a move on!

1. Live happier and healthier - this included the last 40 I need to get off.

2. Organize my life, home and heart - i know - challanging

3. BREATH and remember thaat theres always someone somwhere, who has it worse - Im doing good with this!

4. Be proactive - Im good at this too

5. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE MORE, and spend time doing what I love.

6. Try 1 new thing each month... um, not doing to hot yet.

Another Angel BABY :(

Where to I begin?

I guess with .... Before some of you hear this through the grapevine, i think you should know mike and I are dealing with another loss.

Its been confirmed ( very small chance baby could make it ) that a lil angel of ours will not be joining us in November.

I know I know.. your saying : why didnt they tell us?!

Well honestly a combination of things... 1.) We werent trying. 2.) We didnt know until i was " late " by about 2 weeks. I didnt think anything of it, as I just went off the pill,never cycle normally and have been dealing with other crap etc. I tested ++ at home and then had blood done. blood test says pregnant but levels arent good. ( this isnt uncommon for me and has happend alot ) then theres 3.) we really do want another year or two between the kiddos. While I am excited and open to it Mike really would like to wait and has many reservations.

We had hopes of not telling anyone till about 10+ weeks. and its things that happen like this for our reasoning - however some have asked, so there you have it.

Ironicly this lil bean woulda been due Nov 2, and had baby around 35 weeks on or before oct 4th! Same time as daya, along with the last 3 babies weve lost. I seem to be fertile in february and apparently must keep michael away ;)

We were not trying, are not trying, and really are not ready for another but it doesnt lesson the blow any!

Looks like angel 10 is sure to have good things in store for us to come.



** dont say sorry... its only a blog! **

Doin IT!

OK so many of you tell me all the time im wasting my talents and giving too much away for free... so im finally gonna do it professionally.


Im working on a new website, but right now doing private design, photos and more for friends and family,
Soon will offer it to the public as well.
( if you have a referal I will work with them now )

If theres anything you need :
Digital Graphics and/or Editing
Photography : Newborn, Children, Family, Pregnancy, Nature
Custom Invites : Birthday, Graduation, Holiday . Etc
Custom Announcements : Birthday, Graduation, New baby, Adoption, Engagement Etc.
Digital Scrap Layouts
and More..



* all Invites, and announcments avail in many sizes and include envelopes!



100% Satisfaction is what I can promise, along with low cost, and completely involving you in the decissions its your occasion.

EvansEyes is now Open :)

EvansEyes Documents, Photos, Layouts and More are Copyrighted. Without my permission is is illegal to be copied, re-posted or sold. For my customers, a release of their photos will be issued.


You can check me out at www.EvansEyesDesigns.com

Love bug

Heres our lil roo bitten by the love bug.

Happy Valentines DAY!

update on the party drama.. lol

the update you drama hounds ( ONLY KIDDING ) wanted... regarding the PARTY mess.


Ok so thanks for the emails, and stuff it was reassuring.

I kinda just came down to the conclusion that although i felt horrible for my nephew, I would go spend private time with him before his party, and then the next day for cake with him.

It worked out in that matter only.

If they want to celebrate that way ... great. Its her/their lift. And all of us who had to go on with out it, I guess can deal with it in our own way. I never wanna be looked at as doing something i said i wouldnt etc.. or being hypocritical and for me to go woulda been just that.

Whats funny, is over the past few days are all the suggestions, comments and such really do vary. From way to go.. to How sad... to god knows what. I did what I know in my heart to be right, and only hope in the future when and if she asks for party advice she takes into consideration the time, lifes and others of her family so that they can do things too! Theres many who really do love nathan, and woulda loved to be there. Live and Learn?!

* Oh and for the 1 who asked ( youll know who you are ) NO!!! this is not the only issue. We have alot of history! And I am honest with her, she knows where I stand.

Party mess

Totally and completely Confused?! Annoyed Even?


I just needed to blog a minute and get this off my mind, cause apparently its on it way tooooooo much.

Im a mess at the moment and I feel so weird.

First off I think im Annoyed... then i think im Hurt, Sad, Worried, so Ill sum it up with CONFUSED!! A whole mix of emotions.

My nephew just turned 3 this week and we were hoping to go to his b-day party however my sister decided that a party at chucky cheese at 8, yes i said 8!! pm would be appropriate for saturday night. That whats sad is i would love to go but daya has no right being there playing that late and try to get to bed by 10. It winds me up its sure to wind her up. Im sad that we have to miss it and worried that my nephew will think we just dont want to be there? How untrue... Meanwhile hes way to young to understand what and why! His mom makes me mad, she knew thats not a good time for many many reasons for many people yet insists on it. So rather than a party looks like it will be a family dinner for them, which hey, ok they are used to it.
Ive been questioned as to why i can take daya to applebees at 9pm during the week but not chucky cheese. First off ANY parent would agree that being hyper before bed is NOT ideal. Second off Daya does not run around on a sugar high at 9 pm at applbees. Infact.. i havent gone last week cause i feel its more of a trouble than worth.. shes been a mess while out, a complete loud mouth, and just doesnt unwind when we get home.
Althought it breaks my heart I have to keep grounded that Honestly this is a silly move, and its just not a logical " party " time for a childs birthday.

Ok then im gonna tread into this deeper water here.... Bear with me as my thoughts are scattered. Some of the comments to me have been about we " have excuses " " talk about/ down of " my sister and her family... of which i openly admit i have many " downs" on them however when i choose to stand my ground on some issues and people tell me this it usually hits me cause i dont get the fact that some of these people are also ones who say stuff, but then do a 180?! i dont get it... and dont want to understand it fully it just hurts that this is exactly why shes gotten the way she is... no one does what they say, or says what they mean. PERIOD. GRRRR... I dunno

ill end for now...