Seriously could this world get anymore divorce friendly. It makes me sad.
Here I sit so alone, so frustrated and mad, and the only thing people say is... it will be ok.
Yeah? since when is divorce ok?
Since when can society think that distroying a family is ok?
since when is a " family " when one mom and one dad and X kids live in 2 homes?
F - that...
its all messd up.
I got the papers today and will begin to fill them out - but he is already not happy. Accusing me of hiding things, and keeping money from him etc.
He says hes " being nice " and doesnt owe me aything other than child support... well im about to beg to differ.
Ive been his help meet for this long - I deserve to be kept a while, esp while I get back on my feet.
I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
No turning back?
Today I will meet with my lawyer.
Im scared and still cannot beleive I am back in this seat. Seriously! 3 weeks ago I would have never imagined it.
We were excited to be doing so much, trips coming up, trying for a new baby, mike joing the gaurd and or a new job....
and here I am.
Part of me still wishes he would call, say he made a huge mistake wants to get help for himself, admit its him, and then we could move on....
why cant we have a seperation - he can be on his own, working on him while I hold this fort and family down so that together we can again work together. So he doesnt distroy everything WE have worked so hard for together?
Then part of me says --- I sooooo don't deserve this.
I want a partner for life. Not for 2 year incriments.
I want to meet someone who wants to be loved for them, and love me for me. That I am good enough for.
Then theres the part of me where I STILL CANNOT BREATH. I still pick the phone up 8 times a day and try to call him, only to remind myself its not ok.
I woke up at 6 this morning and instead of his morning call, got a bark from his dog. Ugh.
I miss him.
Madaya misses him.
THIS SUCKS.
Plain. Simple. Sucks.
Today .......
I meet with the lawyer.
Im scared and still cannot beleive I am back in this seat. Seriously! 3 weeks ago I would have never imagined it.
We were excited to be doing so much, trips coming up, trying for a new baby, mike joing the gaurd and or a new job....
and here I am.
Part of me still wishes he would call, say he made a huge mistake wants to get help for himself, admit its him, and then we could move on....
why cant we have a seperation - he can be on his own, working on him while I hold this fort and family down so that together we can again work together. So he doesnt distroy everything WE have worked so hard for together?
Then part of me says --- I sooooo don't deserve this.
I want a partner for life. Not for 2 year incriments.
I want to meet someone who wants to be loved for them, and love me for me. That I am good enough for.
Then theres the part of me where I STILL CANNOT BREATH. I still pick the phone up 8 times a day and try to call him, only to remind myself its not ok.
I woke up at 6 this morning and instead of his morning call, got a bark from his dog. Ugh.
I miss him.
Madaya misses him.
THIS SUCKS.
Plain. Simple. Sucks.
Today .......
I meet with the lawyer.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Step one...
Today I woke up, and realized that this hole in my heart will not be filled anytime soon.
But... I took a step.
Right on out the door. Dropped daya off at daddy's to spend the day with him, then kept on walking right to get some things done.
A few more steps like this and perhaps I will be more normal than I thought :)
But... I took a step.
Right on out the door. Dropped daya off at daddy's to spend the day with him, then kept on walking right to get some things done.
A few more steps like this and perhaps I will be more normal than I thought :)
Ironic
Yesterday I decided I have to get out of the bed, try to wein off the adivan and make normal life for roo and I.
I love going to church and thats the first place I went...
What I didnt know is the sermon was on HARD MARRIAGES!!! oy. I made it through though and actually realized I am doing right. He is abandoning his vows which makes him wrong. without truely trying.
At anyways there is a new divorce care group to go to... Im going to pay the 40.00 and sign up for it. Its to meet with other divorcees and children who are going through this unwillingly and get support and tools to better manage.
I think it will be a good start.
Daya told her sunday school teacher that her daddy wont be at church anymore - he moved out. GRRRR.
It kills me.
So here is the plan - Im going to get the support from the church to help learn this new way.
my work is being awesome.
Mike is well on his way to his freedom
I meet with the advocate for me, and madaya this week to make sure were getting what we need, and changing things up a bit.
Im focusing on what I need to do to get healthy again and get on with this life.
Theres even thoughts in time, I may join a church singles group just for friendship and companion. Its scarey - but honestly I know ill be ok.
I love going to church and thats the first place I went...
What I didnt know is the sermon was on HARD MARRIAGES!!! oy. I made it through though and actually realized I am doing right. He is abandoning his vows which makes him wrong. without truely trying.
At anyways there is a new divorce care group to go to... Im going to pay the 40.00 and sign up for it. Its to meet with other divorcees and children who are going through this unwillingly and get support and tools to better manage.
I think it will be a good start.
Daya told her sunday school teacher that her daddy wont be at church anymore - he moved out. GRRRR.
It kills me.
So here is the plan - Im going to get the support from the church to help learn this new way.
my work is being awesome.
Mike is well on his way to his freedom
I meet with the advocate for me, and madaya this week to make sure were getting what we need, and changing things up a bit.
Im focusing on what I need to do to get healthy again and get on with this life.
Theres even thoughts in time, I may join a church singles group just for friendship and companion. Its scarey - but honestly I know ill be ok.
Ok the post some have been waiting for
Thank you for giving me the time to come to this in my own time, I do appreciate the notes, cards, flowers and support but honestly this isnt easy and I just had to come to it.
Through the advice of my therapist I beleive I am ready to lay this to rest, as much as my heart and mind disagree.
Mike decided to leave me on Feb 14th. I am pretty sure I will forever hate that day now as I had so much planned for the man I loved.
It really came as a huge shock. Im not going to lie - for a few weeks hes been complaining about not being " loved enough or shown enough " but I firmly beleive this is due to all he is going through.
I couldnt bear those burdens with him, so he felt alone. I on the other hand DID GO SEEK HELP - but he refused to beleive that.
The first couple of days of him doing this was hard. I begged I pleaded I thought....
and you know what I HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD THESE Past 2 years ( which have been great ) and we were headed in a great direction - but apparently not in his eyes. Hes confused, he is hurt and he is lost. So he choose to leave.
I will not own it this time. This is not me.
I love this man wholey and I want him happy. If being without us daily makes him happy then I promise I will do my best to see that happen.
The early week was shakey to the point phsyc considered admitting me for mental breakdown. I wasnt eating, drinking thriving not by choice just by stress i was down to 121lbs and my mom took me in to see dr where they gave 2 full bags of fluid, and adivan. we agreed at home sedation would be best. I was litterally pulling my hair out, and cutting my skin, cause I was out of it. This blind sighted me.
2 days later weight still down, me still sickly I went back and they did a scope down my pouch to make sure all was well and did another 2 bags of fluid, I was way out of it from the anesesia though and upon my return home, made the horrid mistake of hitting mike in the face. The man I love so much hurt me so bad I just wanted him to feel it too. He seems to feel nothing. Dont sit there and tell me I DIDNT LOVE YOU ENOUGH!!! I loved you more than you will ever know.
After that big mess its like the ball in my stomach let go seriously and I ate.... I have alot to regain about 15lbs now, but I will do it. The adivan helps, I plan on returning to work this wednesday. I have meetings with counselors on what to do since tech I am a " housewife " and trying to get daya into counseling.
Shes a mess!
She cries daily about how daddy left her, and she wants her daddy. This kills me!
All I can tell her is I WANT DADDY TOO DAYA, AND YOU WILL SEE HIM SOON! She is asking of our family time, weve been having so much of lately but I think he needs to be the one to break it to her - this is HIS decission.
I have alot ahead of me - to figure out to deal with. I am still seeing the physcologist and praying that mike takes this time to get the help he needs.
I dont know what or when things will happen but I do know this is way wrong. Very wrong.
My mom is moving in for now so we dont have to move again ( Mike is helping with rent and the car ) but leaves nothing for much more so she will help with that. It will be good too cause honestly I like having a partner, hate being alone at night - and mikes not here. She can never fill his shoes ever but the support will be nice while we transistion.
I didnt think madaya remembered the last time, but I think she does a little she keeps coming up with " its ok momma he will move back home " or.... lets go have a date... or daddy wants us to move.
it absolutely breaks my heart!
She told her cousins yesterday she is moody cause her daddy left us! HELLO SHES 3.... way to not do what you went through. God my heart shatters when I hear that.
ok so on other news, my next post is on my plans .
Please dont bash him. This is his life. I know its hard - Im living it. But I do love him and respect him.
We would have been married 10 years April 15th.
Through the advice of my therapist I beleive I am ready to lay this to rest, as much as my heart and mind disagree.
Mike decided to leave me on Feb 14th. I am pretty sure I will forever hate that day now as I had so much planned for the man I loved.
It really came as a huge shock. Im not going to lie - for a few weeks hes been complaining about not being " loved enough or shown enough " but I firmly beleive this is due to all he is going through.
I couldnt bear those burdens with him, so he felt alone. I on the other hand DID GO SEEK HELP - but he refused to beleive that.
The first couple of days of him doing this was hard. I begged I pleaded I thought....
and you know what I HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD THESE Past 2 years ( which have been great ) and we were headed in a great direction - but apparently not in his eyes. Hes confused, he is hurt and he is lost. So he choose to leave.
I will not own it this time. This is not me.
I love this man wholey and I want him happy. If being without us daily makes him happy then I promise I will do my best to see that happen.
The early week was shakey to the point phsyc considered admitting me for mental breakdown. I wasnt eating, drinking thriving not by choice just by stress i was down to 121lbs and my mom took me in to see dr where they gave 2 full bags of fluid, and adivan. we agreed at home sedation would be best. I was litterally pulling my hair out, and cutting my skin, cause I was out of it. This blind sighted me.
2 days later weight still down, me still sickly I went back and they did a scope down my pouch to make sure all was well and did another 2 bags of fluid, I was way out of it from the anesesia though and upon my return home, made the horrid mistake of hitting mike in the face. The man I love so much hurt me so bad I just wanted him to feel it too. He seems to feel nothing. Dont sit there and tell me I DIDNT LOVE YOU ENOUGH!!! I loved you more than you will ever know.
After that big mess its like the ball in my stomach let go seriously and I ate.... I have alot to regain about 15lbs now, but I will do it. The adivan helps, I plan on returning to work this wednesday. I have meetings with counselors on what to do since tech I am a " housewife " and trying to get daya into counseling.
Shes a mess!
She cries daily about how daddy left her, and she wants her daddy. This kills me!
All I can tell her is I WANT DADDY TOO DAYA, AND YOU WILL SEE HIM SOON! She is asking of our family time, weve been having so much of lately but I think he needs to be the one to break it to her - this is HIS decission.
I have alot ahead of me - to figure out to deal with. I am still seeing the physcologist and praying that mike takes this time to get the help he needs.
I dont know what or when things will happen but I do know this is way wrong. Very wrong.
My mom is moving in for now so we dont have to move again ( Mike is helping with rent and the car ) but leaves nothing for much more so she will help with that. It will be good too cause honestly I like having a partner, hate being alone at night - and mikes not here. She can never fill his shoes ever but the support will be nice while we transistion.
I didnt think madaya remembered the last time, but I think she does a little she keeps coming up with " its ok momma he will move back home " or.... lets go have a date... or daddy wants us to move.
it absolutely breaks my heart!
She told her cousins yesterday she is moody cause her daddy left us! HELLO SHES 3.... way to not do what you went through. God my heart shatters when I hear that.
ok so on other news, my next post is on my plans .
Please dont bash him. This is his life. I know its hard - Im living it. But I do love him and respect him.
We would have been married 10 years April 15th.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Not that kind of mom?
So tomorrow Madaya has her first Valentine's Day party at school!
Whoa!
Talk about funny.
You know she loves ben cooper .... lol.
So this year I had many intentions. I would make the cutest valentines, the cutest little cupcakes and show everyone just how special Daya's mom is....
Well, heres my admission :
I AM NOT THAT KIND OF MOM!
I really really love to craft, and lord knows I can create beyond all, but this is not about me, this is Daya. So with that I refuse to be one of those mom's who show up only to show off MY work as to show who is who. Its not who I want to be, and honestly don't want to be thought of as " the mom who does it all " . Daya did a great job. She picked out tinker bell cards, hand scribbled on them :) and we made chocolate cupcakes to which we frosted with store bought ( I KNOW CAN YOU BELEIVE US?! ) frosting, and then she put candy hearts on top!
You know what.... I kind of like the fact that I am " Not that kind of mom! ".
I cannot wait to see her party. I am hoping to make it if I don't have a full day at work...
.
.
1 year and still ..... just.... still
In Loving Memory of our missed Kaydough
Laid to rest Feb 11, 2009.
I'm Still Here
Please don't mourn for me, I'm still here, though you don't see. I'm right by your side each night and day, and within your heart I long to stay. My body is gone, but I'm always near. I'm everything you feel, see or hear. My spirit is free, but I'll never depart, as long as you keep me alive in your heart. I'll never wander out of your sight, I'm the brightest star on a summer night. I'll never be beyond your reach, I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach. I'm the colorful leaves, when fall comes around, and the pure white snow that blankets the ground. I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond, the clear cool water in a quiet pond. I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring, the first warm raindrop that April will bring. I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine, and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine. When you start thinking there's no one to love you, you can talk to me through the Lord above you. I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees, and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze. I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep. I'm the smile you see on a baby's face. Just look for me, I'm everyplace!
Please don't mourn for me, I'm still here, though you don't see. I'm right by your side each night and day, and within your heart I long to stay. My body is gone, but I'm always near. I'm everything you feel, see or hear. My spirit is free, but I'll never depart, as long as you keep me alive in your heart. I'll never wander out of your sight, I'm the brightest star on a summer night. I'll never be beyond your reach, I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach. I'm the colorful leaves, when fall comes around, and the pure white snow that blankets the ground. I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond, the clear cool water in a quiet pond. I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring, the first warm raindrop that April will bring. I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine, and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine. When you start thinking there's no one to love you, you can talk to me through the Lord above you. I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees, and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze. I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep. I'm the smile you see on a baby's face. Just look for me, I'm everyplace!
Today marks 1 year since we lost our " bubba ".
Ive been " Moody" all day and I guess this is alot to do with it.
Man do we miss that dog! More than a dog, Kaydough was my boy.
It's really crazy to think that even to this day I cannot call him in from outside, to offer him his favorite treat and have a little chat.
Its still so fresh, and so often that Madaya asks of him, and why he is with Jesus. It still hurts.
Our world has come full circle, we have another addition to our fur children, and while I really thought it would ease the pain I still so much feel, in some ways its harder.
Ive been " Moody" all day and I guess this is alot to do with it.
Man do we miss that dog! More than a dog, Kaydough was my boy.
It's really crazy to think that even to this day I cannot call him in from outside, to offer him his favorite treat and have a little chat.
Its still so fresh, and so often that Madaya asks of him, and why he is with Jesus. It still hurts.
Our world has come full circle, we have another addition to our fur children, and while I really thought it would ease the pain I still so much feel, in some ways its harder.
Like now, Hanna looks SO FAT, and fluffy just like bubba did when he was a baby. Its like yesterday! Sometimes it makes me really think Kaydough played a big part in this!
Kaydough is only missed more and more.... but we all hope the pain eases soon!
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Dirty Hanna = Bath time
Oy...
Soggy winter and our yard is making for a very rough and dirty puppy time in this house! Litterally!
Tonight Mike, Madaya and I finally gave Hanna a real bath.
Tonight Mike, Madaya and I finally gave Hanna a real bath.
She didn't know what to think but did ok. It was a good lesson for Madaya - she said she is good at doing doggy baths though!
All cleaned up!
New do!
Splish Splash Hanna in the bath
Water?! Ok - DRINK IT!
You're going to do what?! To this?!
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Infertility sucks, this we know...
... what we don't know is why and how to fix it so far this time around.
I seen Dr. L on Monday this week. She thought my labs for my thyroid looked good ( and are far better than they were months ago at those toxic levels! ) but not good enough to get pg. She has upped my meds.
She also wants to be on board with the OB/GYN because as she said " We have to be able to win the marathon as soon as the gun is fired ". True!
So...
Her plan is to run more tests including to figure out why I have again, been in so much kidney pain and figure out where I am vitamin level and mineral wise to even get pg. She is ok with me continuing to take the fertility drugs, but says I need to be monitored much more closely. Fine.
So here we are no more real answers, waiting on more labs, and I am back at square one on the meds that brought us our first miracle.
Perhaps with hope, love and prayer ( or two;) we will indeed soon see 2 pink lines!
I seen Dr. L on Monday this week. She thought my labs for my thyroid looked good ( and are far better than they were months ago at those toxic levels! ) but not good enough to get pg. She has upped my meds.
She also wants to be on board with the OB/GYN because as she said " We have to be able to win the marathon as soon as the gun is fired ". True!
So...
Her plan is to run more tests including to figure out why I have again, been in so much kidney pain and figure out where I am vitamin level and mineral wise to even get pg. She is ok with me continuing to take the fertility drugs, but says I need to be monitored much more closely. Fine.
So here we are no more real answers, waiting on more labs, and I am back at square one on the meds that brought us our first miracle.
Perhaps with hope, love and prayer ( or two;) we will indeed soon see 2 pink lines!
Monday, February 01, 2010
Family Fun : The boat show
Today Mike and I took Madaya to the Spokane Boat Show.
She loves boats and it's all she has been talking about since seeing the commercials about 2 weeks ago.
We had alot of fun walking around looking and dreaming of all the water loving fun.
We got to tour a few boats too. Would figure I didn't have a good camera with me!
We got to tour a few boats too. Would figure I didn't have a good camera with me!
We cannot wait to add a boat to our life, but will have to wait until the right time and money allows.
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