Madaya loves tomatoes.... little cherry ones are her favorites.
But oh boy what a mess!
I still kiss her even if she is a lil Mater Muncher!
Saturday, April 19, 2008
My name is ' mater
Madaya loves tomatoes.... little cherry ones are her favorites.
But oh boy what a mess!
I still kiss her even if she is a lil Mater Muncher!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
8 years ago today..
8 years ago today I married the man that would carry my heart with him for the rest of my life. I knew full well what I was vowing, even with a young age. I loved him, respected him, honored him, and was so overjoyed to be his wife. He has chosen me. What was so special about me?! Why me? I guess then it didnt really matter cause the one thing I knew for sure is we would be ok together. We would make things ok together, and we would always be together. After all, he carried my heart and I his -
Given that things were very typical of a marriage in the first year, including the fights and worries we did make it through. I loved him just as I did the day I when I first fell in love with him. As time went on so did life, and in hind sight I guess that whats went wrong. the events that unfolded took a lot out of him and I and instead of leaning on him and making sure he knew I felt so thankful and joyful that I was his, and he was mine I didnt. I took it for granate that things would be the same tomarrow - he would love me tomarrow - want me tomarrow and today I could just not care.
Way wrong - we faced alot ALOT of things that no one should have to face. I made choices no one should make. He made choices no one should make. But in the mix of it all we really did have something - something special. I see it in his eyes, and I always have. Its my perfect reflection, and its never waivered. I see something in him every time i look at him and I always have in those beautiful blue eyes. I know theres pain there - and there has been from before I met him, but theres more now - that we have caused. He kisses me with passion, I feel him. He makes love to me and sometimes it just feels like theres no place on earth that could be so wonderful. When he touches me I get butterflies --- shoot, I get butterflies all the time. When he started traveling alot it got the point where I would get so excited waiting for him to come home, that by the time he finally got home I would talk myself out of feeling this happiness so that I wouldnt have to hurt when he left a few days later.. way wrong.
The hardest thing through it is that I still feel like a little school school when hes near, when I think of him and when I look at him. He looks at me with those blue eyes of his and I just want to melt. Hes the only one that can simply sit next to me, but yet it makes me feel so whole. So peaceful. Hes the only one that can hug me and make my heart completely stop ...
Hes my only one -
So here we are 8 wonderful years later, I choose to say wonderful because I do beleive our wonderful times far outweigh our not so great. Weve done some wonderful things, had many wonderful moments, and now have the most beautiful gift of all between us. Our daugther. I remember one time when we went " camping " ( something I didnt do enough of ) and we had our new puppy - puppy 2 kaydee I was so excited. We went to the beach on the 4th of july, and went down to the beach to watch the fireworks. It ended up being so smoky out from them and as we walked back to the car his only concern was me, he didnt want me to breath it all in, he walked infront of me, kind of protecting me.. only a man who loves someone so much would do. The little things he did meant the world to me - and unfortunatly instead of telling him that I cut him down. So foolish. He used to make the most amazing meals.
Theres one dish i love especially and long for him to make it again .. perhaps someday. Its full of chicken, pasta, and a cream sauce that I cant even begin to know how he made, then theres a coconut cake he knows about... MMMM. Only he can grill my steak just right. Several times ive litterally gotten frustrated with the fact that I cant do it like he can and I dont eat it -- its not what I want. I want his steak. Even burgers made by him tasted better and Im sure its cause off his secret spices he added. Love. I couldnt even begin to list everything so much that I cherish and am amazed by. From visiting the dam, and going to the coast, to just sitting in a park ( which just happened recently ) and looking at him the day he came home after I told him I was finally pregnant for good ( with madaya ) to seeing him bring that sweet little bundle of love over to me with tears in his eyes, and a sweet kiss on my cheek.
The day I made him a daddy was the happiest day of my life. A life we had dreamed of. I had almost everything I wanted, and when she was born the world stopped. I would have and should have done anything for him and her alone, not the way I did. I loved him more and more through the years, but that day I had madaya sealed it with this man I would be for ever, Hes the only one I love, wanted, longed for and breathed for.... forever.
After she was born it got harder. I didnt want him to go to work on the road - but felt we had no choice. I didnt say much if anything because I felt WE were stuck. With huge bills to pay, huge responsibilities to take care of what could we do...Thats when I started dreaming of the earlier times when we didnt have so much material wise. I strongly feel we sacrificed our family and our marriage for the road. Something that were not alone in. They say 70% of long haul relationships end because of the distance they put on... so true.
I hate that since she was born, he hasnt seen her as a father a DADDY should. I always thought my children would have their daddy near, someone to see them daily, to be with mommy and to reassure them that together anything is possible and that we may not have it all together but together we had it all. Someone to share bath time, bed time, snack time, cuddle time, play time ANY TIME.
Someone to sit down with at the end of the day and look at and say good job mommy/daddy we made it another day. Again, I wanted HIM to do it all but tried to pacify my needs with other things, people, places.... when all i longed for was him. The man I loved. The man I made this child with a man who needed me.
In November I started planning this years anniversary because we have never truely done something just so special for us on our anniversary. So this year I was going to go all out. He had been working so hard, and I thought we had been through so much and overcoming alot so I spent alot of time of thought on it and then money... the money didnt matter what I wanted was for him to see how much he meant to me. for him to realize I did very much care what he thought, felt and loved about me and that i was RIGHT THERE! I had booked a small romantic restraunt downtown, and a bottle of wine. They serve a 5 course meal over 2.5 hours, and you make your own deserts, belgin chocolates!!! YUM. So i thought we could do that, and then was hoping to get a room at the hotel lusso. I didnt tell him one word, when he asked if we were gonna do something for our anniversary i said who knows? we will see... I wanted it to be a huge suprise. A wonderful thing that I had spent so much time on just for him.... a dream. He is my dream.
I do not deserve a better husband - I deserve better from MY husband. And He deserves better from HIS wife.
Its been a month now that weve been seperated and my heart still is so torn, I am still so crushed and broken yet Ive found the strength to pick myself up and walk, stand and slowly I really am breathing. I have done alot of self seeking in this past month, and realize that alot of my actions were carried out because I was affraid of guilt, or humility or even just depression. A depression I didnt even really know I was in. In doing my actions to him, and telling him the things I did to try to protect my heart - I broke his. I broke his because I felt broken, and wanted to pay him back. My actions were nasty, and he responded nasty. Not how I would like to treat the man I gave my heart to. I was holding him responsible for " leaving me " every month to that freaking career of his, because it reminded me of what I had when I was a child. I didnt like my dad leaving. NOT ONE BIT it wasnt ok with me. I feel he treated me some ways because of his past too... like not seeing I was there when I was right there- but no one had ever been " there " so how would he know what it was? And broken promises yes I made some, but the damage was done way before me. We both had faults all of which are fixible if willing.
I have chosen to fix mine because I want to for me, my daughter and in turn him. It makes me a better woman, personb, mother, and wife. IF he wont have me than someone will down the road - and I will have this knowledge with me. If he fixes himself and realizes that were worth the work for him, and for his family then the rewards can be wonderful. Hes got a great foundation to build on. 10 years with me, and a wonderful child. But if he doesnt fix himself now, and looses us chances our he may be doing this again down the road. Maybe with me - most likely with another.
And even 8 years later the feeling is still the same " Everything is gonna be ok as long as were together .... " right now nothing is ok.
Today is our anniversary and as much as I dream he would walk through my door, with a simple smile on his face, no words, a hug that would tell me what I know ... everything will be ok. I know its not going to happen. I know he doesnt want to see our life right now and that he truely is lost. Hes trying to find himself and looking into all his things he shoulda done.
While hes out playing, I am here. Raising our daughter, living for today and dreaming of tomarrow.
I look at my empty place here, and think " will it ever be a home?" Home is where the heart is and my heart is with him.
My love for him is so strong, and its enduring this pain hes causing. A pain that for a long time weve caused together. But Love is patient...
I plan on hanging on as long as I can, maybe he will see before its too late.
Divorce would be the easier way out. Not easy at all to go through but deffinatly not as hard as what would face us working it out. It would take a lot of trust, faith, renewals, and a new way. I want to finally be us 3. A new place, a new way, a new routine. Even financially we would be/ do better -ive been over it a million times. most of all - A renewed love! I want Madaya to know the right way of marriage, love and life.
8 years ago today... I married Michael.
I still stand waiting for him today.
Love Endures All things......
Given that things were very typical of a marriage in the first year, including the fights and worries we did make it through. I loved him just as I did the day I when I first fell in love with him. As time went on so did life, and in hind sight I guess that whats went wrong. the events that unfolded took a lot out of him and I and instead of leaning on him and making sure he knew I felt so thankful and joyful that I was his, and he was mine I didnt. I took it for granate that things would be the same tomarrow - he would love me tomarrow - want me tomarrow and today I could just not care.
Way wrong - we faced alot ALOT of things that no one should have to face. I made choices no one should make. He made choices no one should make. But in the mix of it all we really did have something - something special. I see it in his eyes, and I always have. Its my perfect reflection, and its never waivered. I see something in him every time i look at him and I always have in those beautiful blue eyes. I know theres pain there - and there has been from before I met him, but theres more now - that we have caused. He kisses me with passion, I feel him. He makes love to me and sometimes it just feels like theres no place on earth that could be so wonderful. When he touches me I get butterflies --- shoot, I get butterflies all the time. When he started traveling alot it got the point where I would get so excited waiting for him to come home, that by the time he finally got home I would talk myself out of feeling this happiness so that I wouldnt have to hurt when he left a few days later.. way wrong.
The hardest thing through it is that I still feel like a little school school when hes near, when I think of him and when I look at him. He looks at me with those blue eyes of his and I just want to melt. Hes the only one that can simply sit next to me, but yet it makes me feel so whole. So peaceful. Hes the only one that can hug me and make my heart completely stop ...
Hes my only one -
So here we are 8 wonderful years later, I choose to say wonderful because I do beleive our wonderful times far outweigh our not so great. Weve done some wonderful things, had many wonderful moments, and now have the most beautiful gift of all between us. Our daugther. I remember one time when we went " camping " ( something I didnt do enough of ) and we had our new puppy - puppy 2 kaydee I was so excited. We went to the beach on the 4th of july, and went down to the beach to watch the fireworks. It ended up being so smoky out from them and as we walked back to the car his only concern was me, he didnt want me to breath it all in, he walked infront of me, kind of protecting me.. only a man who loves someone so much would do. The little things he did meant the world to me - and unfortunatly instead of telling him that I cut him down. So foolish. He used to make the most amazing meals.
Theres one dish i love especially and long for him to make it again .. perhaps someday. Its full of chicken, pasta, and a cream sauce that I cant even begin to know how he made, then theres a coconut cake he knows about... MMMM. Only he can grill my steak just right. Several times ive litterally gotten frustrated with the fact that I cant do it like he can and I dont eat it -- its not what I want. I want his steak. Even burgers made by him tasted better and Im sure its cause off his secret spices he added. Love. I couldnt even begin to list everything so much that I cherish and am amazed by. From visiting the dam, and going to the coast, to just sitting in a park ( which just happened recently ) and looking at him the day he came home after I told him I was finally pregnant for good ( with madaya ) to seeing him bring that sweet little bundle of love over to me with tears in his eyes, and a sweet kiss on my cheek.
The day I made him a daddy was the happiest day of my life. A life we had dreamed of. I had almost everything I wanted, and when she was born the world stopped. I would have and should have done anything for him and her alone, not the way I did. I loved him more and more through the years, but that day I had madaya sealed it with this man I would be for ever, Hes the only one I love, wanted, longed for and breathed for.... forever.
After she was born it got harder. I didnt want him to go to work on the road - but felt we had no choice. I didnt say much if anything because I felt WE were stuck. With huge bills to pay, huge responsibilities to take care of what could we do...Thats when I started dreaming of the earlier times when we didnt have so much material wise. I strongly feel we sacrificed our family and our marriage for the road. Something that were not alone in. They say 70% of long haul relationships end because of the distance they put on... so true.
I hate that since she was born, he hasnt seen her as a father a DADDY should. I always thought my children would have their daddy near, someone to see them daily, to be with mommy and to reassure them that together anything is possible and that we may not have it all together but together we had it all. Someone to share bath time, bed time, snack time, cuddle time, play time ANY TIME.
Someone to sit down with at the end of the day and look at and say good job mommy/daddy we made it another day. Again, I wanted HIM to do it all but tried to pacify my needs with other things, people, places.... when all i longed for was him. The man I loved. The man I made this child with a man who needed me.
In November I started planning this years anniversary because we have never truely done something just so special for us on our anniversary. So this year I was going to go all out. He had been working so hard, and I thought we had been through so much and overcoming alot so I spent alot of time of thought on it and then money... the money didnt matter what I wanted was for him to see how much he meant to me. for him to realize I did very much care what he thought, felt and loved about me and that i was RIGHT THERE! I had booked a small romantic restraunt downtown, and a bottle of wine. They serve a 5 course meal over 2.5 hours, and you make your own deserts, belgin chocolates!!! YUM. So i thought we could do that, and then was hoping to get a room at the hotel lusso. I didnt tell him one word, when he asked if we were gonna do something for our anniversary i said who knows? we will see... I wanted it to be a huge suprise. A wonderful thing that I had spent so much time on just for him.... a dream. He is my dream.
I do not deserve a better husband - I deserve better from MY husband. And He deserves better from HIS wife.
Its been a month now that weve been seperated and my heart still is so torn, I am still so crushed and broken yet Ive found the strength to pick myself up and walk, stand and slowly I really am breathing. I have done alot of self seeking in this past month, and realize that alot of my actions were carried out because I was affraid of guilt, or humility or even just depression. A depression I didnt even really know I was in. In doing my actions to him, and telling him the things I did to try to protect my heart - I broke his. I broke his because I felt broken, and wanted to pay him back. My actions were nasty, and he responded nasty. Not how I would like to treat the man I gave my heart to. I was holding him responsible for " leaving me " every month to that freaking career of his, because it reminded me of what I had when I was a child. I didnt like my dad leaving. NOT ONE BIT it wasnt ok with me. I feel he treated me some ways because of his past too... like not seeing I was there when I was right there- but no one had ever been " there " so how would he know what it was? And broken promises yes I made some, but the damage was done way before me. We both had faults all of which are fixible if willing.
I have chosen to fix mine because I want to for me, my daughter and in turn him. It makes me a better woman, personb, mother, and wife. IF he wont have me than someone will down the road - and I will have this knowledge with me. If he fixes himself and realizes that were worth the work for him, and for his family then the rewards can be wonderful. Hes got a great foundation to build on. 10 years with me, and a wonderful child. But if he doesnt fix himself now, and looses us chances our he may be doing this again down the road. Maybe with me - most likely with another.
And even 8 years later the feeling is still the same " Everything is gonna be ok as long as were together .... " right now nothing is ok.
Today is our anniversary and as much as I dream he would walk through my door, with a simple smile on his face, no words, a hug that would tell me what I know ... everything will be ok. I know its not going to happen. I know he doesnt want to see our life right now and that he truely is lost. Hes trying to find himself and looking into all his things he shoulda done.
While hes out playing, I am here. Raising our daughter, living for today and dreaming of tomarrow.
I look at my empty place here, and think " will it ever be a home?" Home is where the heart is and my heart is with him.
My love for him is so strong, and its enduring this pain hes causing. A pain that for a long time weve caused together. But Love is patient...
I plan on hanging on as long as I can, maybe he will see before its too late.
Divorce would be the easier way out. Not easy at all to go through but deffinatly not as hard as what would face us working it out. It would take a lot of trust, faith, renewals, and a new way. I want to finally be us 3. A new place, a new way, a new routine. Even financially we would be/ do better -ive been over it a million times. most of all - A renewed love! I want Madaya to know the right way of marriage, love and life.
8 years ago today... I married Michael.
I still stand waiting for him today.
Love Endures All things......
Monday, April 14, 2008
A lil artist!
Madaya Loves arts and crafts.
Geee I wonder who she gets that from? Although I cant fully say that cause daddy used to draw alot too. Hes really good at it.
Anyways She loves finger painting.
And gluing stuff to paper.
Its a ton of fun to watch her, and even more so to see what she does with different mediums. Todays was invisible paint ( the stuff that dont show except on paper )
:)
Geee I wonder who she gets that from? Although I cant fully say that cause daddy used to draw alot too. Hes really good at it.
Anyways She loves finger painting.
And gluing stuff to paper.
Its a ton of fun to watch her, and even more so to see what she does with different mediums. Todays was invisible paint ( the stuff that dont show except on paper )
:)
Sunday, April 13, 2008
A good day for the 3 of us
Today he spent some time with Madaya and I at Riverfront park, and we went to lunch all 3 of us.
We had a good time, or as well as it could have been. I talked with him, not to him. He talked with me, not too me. There were a few times I could see his heart in his eyes, but hes quick to fight it back. I shared with him some of the things I have learned, lessons hard earned, and learned.
I shared with him that I very much want to be what I should have been... and was, but wasnt allowing myself to be. That I was sorry - make that am sorry for taking him, his love for granite. Ive lost it all... honestly, all but madaya. Shes the only thing keeping me strong most days - but in the end Im going to be stronger for it.
I want him to find his peace - with whatever it is thats bugging him. I know im 1 of the issues, but he has many. There will be something else. I am sure. Hes just so lost. One minute I can see him, the next a complete blank. No nothing. No emotion, no heart no compassion.
He said he feels that I deserve better, and I think hes right. I think I do derserve, Not a better husband - but better from my husband! Just as I think he deserves better from his wife, not a better wife. Its our responsibility to one another to be there for each other, and be our best for us, so that we can be. I got to comfortable and this would fall into place here.
Ever sat next to someone on some grass, and stared at them, and though - GOD why cant I just make this stop, Why cant i make him see whats right here - and reach out and kiss him, touch him, breath him. - NOT COOL. Its a wonderful feeling, these butterflies I get but not when they are one sided. I cannot beleive I made him feel that way too...
He may not see today, tomarrow or anytime soon = but i hope he does see in time what he let go. What he coulda had. And what he shut out. I think he knows some but not all. Perhaps as time goes on he will be better/happier? or perhaps he will wake up one day and be in tears, in pain... the alcohol and cheap fun worn off and think dear god - I gave them up for this?! Im still not happy....
No one knows the future. But I do beleive we help make it what its going to be. We choose who we love. We choose our actions, our words and our thoughts. We are in control. If you tell yourself something - then yes - your that something.
He said that hes not happy that hes so angry. Anger is a huge issue with him, as he has a known anger issue. Hes unwilling to seek or get help for it - as he doesnt beleive in " taking things " whater I say - I mean I think its an excuse. I agree I pushed his buttons, sometimes on purpose. But it can be argued that he shouldnt be easily pushed either. And that perhaps he really does need more than what his mind, or anyone elses can offer. Theres no shame in that. Only shame is to not get the help. I love him so much, and know of the anger. I know that I too have a harsh tongue that leads to some of it. I am sorry for this - and am continally learning to not be so quick with the tongue. I pushed and pushed... to get his arousal. I tried to challange him. To be better than him. This I am not.
All I wanted to be was his equal. Not infront of or behind him. NEXT TO HIM!
I just seen it all --- a little too late?! I do beleive its better late than never though. And I have/we have a chance to fix it. Only with hard work and faith in one another and god though - for him its not there now, and may never be. Hes choosing to set me free.
I struggle the most with the fact that he doesnt want to make it work for our daugthers sake, his sake, and my sake. But yet hes willing to leave for " his daughters sake " Confusing eigh?
I will get to tell my daughter that mommy did make mistakes, and she learned the hard way that they were mistakes - but she did the right thing, owned them, fixed them. I couldnt make her daddy see..... his eyes closed because he didnt want to try a new way. He was done with the old way. As was mommy.She will know in time what i hope to teach her. Do not take love, life, people for granite. Never Never think for a moment its ok to do such a thing. I want her to have better than I did. I want her to know a happy marriage - and how to be there for her husband. All things I learned by loosing it all. I will set an example someday hopefully with her daddy, but if not with one god intended.
I am not giving up on mike, and I dont want to give up on our love. I guess time will tell as soon as he signs his papers. His decision is made and as a wife I apparently have to follow his wish, even if crazy - DIVORCE?!
I have to find a way to tell my heart and brain to stop dreaming of him. Every motorcycle i hear, or footsteps I imagine its him coming - hes gonna walk through the door, as broken as I am and say " I do want you - I do want to get help - I do want to take steps.... " But alas, a dream!
Tonight I told him when we were talking about the " papers " that I dont want to make this " easy on him " By that i only ment mentally. I dont want him to think its easy to walk away with a couple of signatures and bye bye. Hes been my husband for 8 years. We have a life together, a child together. hes got obligations, yes. But I am not out to get him financially. Yes, i need help now. But in time I hope only help for daya. If she cant have him, at least she can have what he provides i guess! It kills me to think he thinks i would" stick it to him" shit, if i wanted to do that I could have. I was the one who walked out of welfare, cause they told me if they help me - they go after him. I dont want them to go after him. I love him. I respect him.
You know I do beleive divorce would be the EASIER way out of this. That working on us to be a wonderful couple, a loving supportive and nuturing couple would be alot of work. I beleive the WORK would pay off more in LOVE and HONOR. I beleive it would be well worth it in the end, and could very well lead to HAPPINESS. Only to those who beleive though.
You know what? Broken hearts - SUCK Broken families SUCK. this SUCKS. I need a big sticky sucky bandaid. I guess its called TIME
for now... Still sticking to the truth and my heart :
Love is patient, love is kind.It is not jealous, it is not pompous,It is not inflated, it is not rude,it does not seek its own interests,it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,it does not rejoice over wrongdoingbut rejoices with the truth.Love bears all things, believes all things,hopes all things, endures all things.Love never fails!
We had a good time, or as well as it could have been. I talked with him, not to him. He talked with me, not too me. There were a few times I could see his heart in his eyes, but hes quick to fight it back. I shared with him some of the things I have learned, lessons hard earned, and learned.
I shared with him that I very much want to be what I should have been... and was, but wasnt allowing myself to be. That I was sorry - make that am sorry for taking him, his love for granite. Ive lost it all... honestly, all but madaya. Shes the only thing keeping me strong most days - but in the end Im going to be stronger for it.
I want him to find his peace - with whatever it is thats bugging him. I know im 1 of the issues, but he has many. There will be something else. I am sure. Hes just so lost. One minute I can see him, the next a complete blank. No nothing. No emotion, no heart no compassion.
He said he feels that I deserve better, and I think hes right. I think I do derserve, Not a better husband - but better from my husband! Just as I think he deserves better from his wife, not a better wife. Its our responsibility to one another to be there for each other, and be our best for us, so that we can be. I got to comfortable and this would fall into place here.
Ever sat next to someone on some grass, and stared at them, and though - GOD why cant I just make this stop, Why cant i make him see whats right here - and reach out and kiss him, touch him, breath him. - NOT COOL. Its a wonderful feeling, these butterflies I get but not when they are one sided. I cannot beleive I made him feel that way too...
He may not see today, tomarrow or anytime soon = but i hope he does see in time what he let go. What he coulda had. And what he shut out. I think he knows some but not all. Perhaps as time goes on he will be better/happier? or perhaps he will wake up one day and be in tears, in pain... the alcohol and cheap fun worn off and think dear god - I gave them up for this?! Im still not happy....
No one knows the future. But I do beleive we help make it what its going to be. We choose who we love. We choose our actions, our words and our thoughts. We are in control. If you tell yourself something - then yes - your that something.
He said that hes not happy that hes so angry. Anger is a huge issue with him, as he has a known anger issue. Hes unwilling to seek or get help for it - as he doesnt beleive in " taking things " whater I say - I mean I think its an excuse. I agree I pushed his buttons, sometimes on purpose. But it can be argued that he shouldnt be easily pushed either. And that perhaps he really does need more than what his mind, or anyone elses can offer. Theres no shame in that. Only shame is to not get the help. I love him so much, and know of the anger. I know that I too have a harsh tongue that leads to some of it. I am sorry for this - and am continally learning to not be so quick with the tongue. I pushed and pushed... to get his arousal. I tried to challange him. To be better than him. This I am not.
All I wanted to be was his equal. Not infront of or behind him. NEXT TO HIM!
I just seen it all --- a little too late?! I do beleive its better late than never though. And I have/we have a chance to fix it. Only with hard work and faith in one another and god though - for him its not there now, and may never be. Hes choosing to set me free.
I struggle the most with the fact that he doesnt want to make it work for our daugthers sake, his sake, and my sake. But yet hes willing to leave for " his daughters sake " Confusing eigh?
I will get to tell my daughter that mommy did make mistakes, and she learned the hard way that they were mistakes - but she did the right thing, owned them, fixed them. I couldnt make her daddy see..... his eyes closed because he didnt want to try a new way. He was done with the old way. As was mommy.She will know in time what i hope to teach her. Do not take love, life, people for granite. Never Never think for a moment its ok to do such a thing. I want her to have better than I did. I want her to know a happy marriage - and how to be there for her husband. All things I learned by loosing it all. I will set an example someday hopefully with her daddy, but if not with one god intended.
I am not giving up on mike, and I dont want to give up on our love. I guess time will tell as soon as he signs his papers. His decision is made and as a wife I apparently have to follow his wish, even if crazy - DIVORCE?!
I have to find a way to tell my heart and brain to stop dreaming of him. Every motorcycle i hear, or footsteps I imagine its him coming - hes gonna walk through the door, as broken as I am and say " I do want you - I do want to get help - I do want to take steps.... " But alas, a dream!
Tonight I told him when we were talking about the " papers " that I dont want to make this " easy on him " By that i only ment mentally. I dont want him to think its easy to walk away with a couple of signatures and bye bye. Hes been my husband for 8 years. We have a life together, a child together. hes got obligations, yes. But I am not out to get him financially. Yes, i need help now. But in time I hope only help for daya. If she cant have him, at least she can have what he provides i guess! It kills me to think he thinks i would" stick it to him" shit, if i wanted to do that I could have. I was the one who walked out of welfare, cause they told me if they help me - they go after him. I dont want them to go after him. I love him. I respect him.
You know I do beleive divorce would be the EASIER way out of this. That working on us to be a wonderful couple, a loving supportive and nuturing couple would be alot of work. I beleive the WORK would pay off more in LOVE and HONOR. I beleive it would be well worth it in the end, and could very well lead to HAPPINESS. Only to those who beleive though.
You know what? Broken hearts - SUCK Broken families SUCK. this SUCKS. I need a big sticky sucky bandaid. I guess its called TIME
for now... Still sticking to the truth and my heart :
Love is patient, love is kind.It is not jealous, it is not pompous,It is not inflated, it is not rude,it does not seek its own interests,it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,it does not rejoice over wrongdoingbut rejoices with the truth.Love bears all things, believes all things,hopes all things, endures all things.Love never fails!
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
All moved in. Completely
I wont call it a home yet, cause home is where the heart is, and right now thats still with mike.
I am all unpacked however, and mostly settled. Things here are so quiet and the only noise i hear is upstairs toilet flushing and the hoot owl out my window :)
Madaya seems to be doing ok too, for the most part. Shes been super cranky, but she loves her room, she loves running all over the place, and she loves her ' chhrrp chhrp ' which I think shes meaning birds. We fill the feeder outside, and look at the birds alot!
Weve been here a week now, and Im looking forward to the next step. I feel very good about these changes.
I am all unpacked however, and mostly settled. Things here are so quiet and the only noise i hear is upstairs toilet flushing and the hoot owl out my window :)
Madaya seems to be doing ok too, for the most part. Shes been super cranky, but she loves her room, she loves running all over the place, and she loves her ' chhrrp chhrp ' which I think shes meaning birds. We fill the feeder outside, and look at the birds alot!
Weve been here a week now, and Im looking forward to the next step. I feel very good about these changes.
A real live ANGEL
An Angel
I was at the store tonight getting some stuff for the next weeks meals. Ive been putting it off cause Im depressed and am having troubles doing what I NEED to do.
SO....
I go in and I get all the food I need. I take it to the registar and inform the clerk that I am new to Quest ( food stamps ) and dont know exactly wha to do, and if she could walk me through it I would appreciate it. She walks me through - and then it says put in your pin. I thought I knew it but I guess I dont? 3 tries later, it locks me out of the system, and she says ill have to put it all back..
220.00 worth of nutritional needs and this lady walks over to me and says " no I will pay this for her.... looks right at me tells me to go home to my lil baby and hug her and keep my head up because things will be ok " I said PLEASE DONT DO THIS, she wouldnt take no for an answer, i start bawling, thanking her and she tells me I am one of the most beautiful souls shes seen in a long time, and that now she knows why she was sent there ( she only had dog food in her cart ) as the clerk stares in amazement the " ANGEL " tells her to give me cash back too.....
I didnt look I didnt do anything but shake and cry... She has no idea who I am, what I am going through or anything else, but she was so confidant that she was sent there to help me. God Bless her!
My wings are broken right now, but soon I will fly again - I HAVE TO!
I was at the store tonight getting some stuff for the next weeks meals. Ive been putting it off cause Im depressed and am having troubles doing what I NEED to do.
SO....
I go in and I get all the food I need. I take it to the registar and inform the clerk that I am new to Quest ( food stamps ) and dont know exactly wha to do, and if she could walk me through it I would appreciate it. She walks me through - and then it says put in your pin. I thought I knew it but I guess I dont? 3 tries later, it locks me out of the system, and she says ill have to put it all back..
220.00 worth of nutritional needs and this lady walks over to me and says " no I will pay this for her.... looks right at me tells me to go home to my lil baby and hug her and keep my head up because things will be ok " I said PLEASE DONT DO THIS, she wouldnt take no for an answer, i start bawling, thanking her and she tells me I am one of the most beautiful souls shes seen in a long time, and that now she knows why she was sent there ( she only had dog food in her cart ) as the clerk stares in amazement the " ANGEL " tells her to give me cash back too.....
I didnt look I didnt do anything but shake and cry... She has no idea who I am, what I am going through or anything else, but she was so confidant that she was sent there to help me. God Bless her!
My wings are broken right now, but soon I will fly again - I HAVE TO!
Over the limit
I really feel emotionally over my limit so... I am - Getting Help!
So many of you know Ive been talking to and seeing the counsler. Well today I went to my DR. And asked to be put back on something to help. I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown and she agreed. She said I need to slow down and take things slower -- ive made a huge change, moved, looking for work, mourning my marriage, and becoming a single mom. I have ALOT to go through and have already been through a TON!
I hope this helps.... At least to give me a break.
So many of you know Ive been talking to and seeing the counsler. Well today I went to my DR. And asked to be put back on something to help. I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown and she agreed. She said I need to slow down and take things slower -- ive made a huge change, moved, looking for work, mourning my marriage, and becoming a single mom. I have ALOT to go through and have already been through a TON!
I hope this helps.... At least to give me a break.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
I want to choke him
Just had to get this out
I want to choke him!
I am deffinatly in the ANGRY stage right now! Ugh. And Although I " want to choke him " All I can do is cry. I love him.
HOW DO I STOP LOVING AND LONGING FOR HIM?
I miss my husband so freaking much but hes totally untouchable.
He said he does just want the divorce - and doesnt want to work on it.... so I have no choice. Hes making this for me. I am mad because I never wanted a family with out him, I never wanted to not be able to hug him, love him and be here for him and I never wanted him to run away from a huge problem. I have openly admitted my wrongs, and said truthfully I am sorry, and want to learn a new one. But if i cannot be good enough for him then what?
I sure pray god has someone in mind, cause right now I am so lonely, and want so badly to be able to love someone. I want to love him - but he wont let me!
Im going to keep hope in my heart that someday maybe he will want this and see that he did have more than he thoughts in me.
Going to bed..
I want to choke him!
I am deffinatly in the ANGRY stage right now! Ugh. And Although I " want to choke him " All I can do is cry. I love him.
HOW DO I STOP LOVING AND LONGING FOR HIM?
I miss my husband so freaking much but hes totally untouchable.
He said he does just want the divorce - and doesnt want to work on it.... so I have no choice. Hes making this for me. I am mad because I never wanted a family with out him, I never wanted to not be able to hug him, love him and be here for him and I never wanted him to run away from a huge problem. I have openly admitted my wrongs, and said truthfully I am sorry, and want to learn a new one. But if i cannot be good enough for him then what?
I sure pray god has someone in mind, cause right now I am so lonely, and want so badly to be able to love someone. I want to love him - but he wont let me!
Im going to keep hope in my heart that someday maybe he will want this and see that he did have more than he thoughts in me.
Going to bed..
Saturday, April 05, 2008
moving now
Without Internet
Im moving today - I dont know for sure when phone or internet will be back on, but I am hoping soon.
I have a lot of job aps out!
I will have the house phone forwarded to my cell, so you can still reach me. Ill just have to limit it.
Were ready to load the truck and its SNOWING!!! oy.
Ill check in soon....
Im moving today - I dont know for sure when phone or internet will be back on, but I am hoping soon.
I have a lot of job aps out!
I will have the house phone forwarded to my cell, so you can still reach me. Ill just have to limit it.
Were ready to load the truck and its SNOWING!!! oy.
Ill check in soon....
Thursday, April 03, 2008
moving soon!
WERE MOVING
Well tomarrow is the day...
Or, should I say one of the days. We plan to do the major of the move on saturday.
Im excited, scared, and a bunch of things all rolled into one.
Well tomarrow is the day...
Or, should I say one of the days. We plan to do the major of the move on saturday.
Im excited, scared, and a bunch of things all rolled into one.
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