tis the season...

for seasonal depression.

Many of you know I suffer from depression. We have pretty much figured out alot of it is seasonal. Based on labs, and my reaction to uva/uvb and vitamin D supplimentation.
Its dark early, its cold, people are grumpy and it all together makes for a really hard time.
I lately have been hit hard with a few things and on top of my normal feelings as to who, what and how I am with others and situations new things coming my way have hit and now I feel like I am loosing controll.
I give my heart, my soul and all I am to anyone, for any reason and do a ton for others - one major thing bugging me lately is people who question this. Im hearing alot of things like " April wants her way, or April is being April, or selfish etc... " I want to know why it is that I am being selfish because I had plans, or times, or situations etc that were beyond my controll.
I bear alot of burden any and every day and the lil things like this dont help. Some things just arent my fault.

Lets skip to today a perfect example of how a person with Seasonal Depression and likely, Depression in general can ( un fortunately this REALLY was my day ) be affected by everyday things.

7:00 - Awoke by Madaya screaming for Mommy and Daddy, turn to my side only to feel a burn up my spine and back of my head ( nerves mainly ) . Other than that I feel fine, Im relaxed, ready to start my day.

8:00 - Make a call to my SIL because we had plans to volunteer ( notice VOLUNTEER ) at a local childrens hospital handing out presents to kids who otherwise have no christmas. We talked about how much snow there is, how many cancelations there are etc. By this time Im feeling ok, but in my heart sad for these kids. So it lights my fire.... I agreed to call SIL back later because she was at work and her schedule wouldnt allow for her to be volunteering today but maybe she could do it... I soak in the tub, feeling even better. I talk to Mike about the event for thismorning we agree as to why I do this, let alone the reason Madaya needs to be doing these things and since Im home and have time I can and will brave the roads to go to the hospital and do this great thing.... I FEEL GREAT!

10 ish - Daya and I are all ready, we head out, knowing we need to be there by 11. We would give ourselves plenty of time. I packed the usual and off we went - Im feeling fine.

10:30 ish - Call SIL - she says no, she for sure will not make it and talked breifly of my above stated thoughts, I feel ok.

10:45 ish - I approach the exit, make it ( barely ) up the sorry excuse of a plowed road/hill to the hospital. Im Anxious. I get into the parking lot and get stuck... Frustration sets in... I back out and onto the street finally, going to the next side street to head to the parking garage.... WRONG MOVE. I loose my brakes - its step - Im scared. A UPS truck behind me blairs the horn, hes obviously struggling. I try to make a left across the road into the garage only to land in the ditch and land myself STUCK. Im feeling MAD, TIRED, WORRIED and wanna CRY! it takes 7 people THANK YOU TO THE STAFF AT SHMC!!! and a chain attached to a Hummer H3 to get me out... where I am able to pull into the garage and park. Im feeling at ease and excited to see these children.

11: 30ish - I walk into the area where we are to meet the other volunteers, they all seem warm full of spirit and bright ( ok that sounds songish!! ) .... Im feeling great. The views of the city are breathtaking and I am at ease with my morning. Myself.
we listen to the leader for a while as they talk of the plans. Then they set us free, but say NO KIDS can help!!! HELLO?! they have been telling us we could the entire time! So I bundled up madaya and myself and headed back to the garage in which I had been through Hell to get to, Im feeling sad. Discouraged. Madaya is sad she wants to " do presents for kids ".

12:15ish - Madaya and I take lunch to SIL. We had a good visit and Madaya was ok with doing something :) Im feeling relaxed and easy going.

1:00 - I head back to the valley - On a messy freeway. Im feeling anxious and full of thoughts worries and peoples voices who have said things that upset me. I start crying. im scared, theres alot going on in our life again and I want stability. Im heading home to where I know we havent been plowed.

1:30 ish I finally arrive home. To a still unplowed driveway and a hill of snow thanks to the neighbor who shoveled out his car RIGHT INTO MY SPOT. Im pissy and tired and I just want to hide.

2:00 - I cry myself into a lul, Im running so much through my head. I wish Mike was home. I want to talk to someone anyone, Madaya doesnt get it. Shes too young. Shes having fun. I want some adult interaction. I wanna know I could get into my car and go... but that would take and effort because pulling in I GOT STUCK!! Im feeling comfy with daya next to me, but tired and very lonely.

4:00 - I decide to pull myself out of bed and make dinner, and play with Madaya. Ill blog. That always helps. Im feeling exuasted yet inspired. Ill keep being better. Ill keep trying to not let the stupid things bother me!

Tis the season.