from myspace and beyond

So after yesterdays events I found more stuff out.. Can you see me rolling my eyes. He has another myspace page. I imagine so his lil " friends" cant see the mess hes in. You know being married and all, going through a divorce, NOT paying child support... and just well you know... It really seems he has 2 lifes. I never expected this from Michael at all.

Anyways I was laying in bed thinking ya know - I wouldnt never expected this from him. Hes not the man I loved. The man I loved would have NEVER done this. He would have done anything to see if his family could work, he wouldnt place all the blame on me and he wouldnt be doing such actions to hurt himself. Regardless if he can see it or not he is hurting himself. And he cant see how much it hurts us who love him....

Newsflash : Alcholol will not cure the pain or find the happiness more like it will numb it and give you false illusions.

With this I think I sincerely am better off petitioning for full support and limited visition. If he wants to have this new life and pick when his responsibilities are to be upheld then fine.. let daya and I go.

I have to figure out how to not love him, not want him and not want it to work. I have to figure out how to mourn it and bury it. I need to go on and hope to find return love in the amount I have for him.

I dont know why he chooses to do these things. Its not like he doesnt have someone loving, willing and wanting him no matter what, with no holds, and no regrets.

I didnt want him to just be a father, I wanted him to be a daddy.... I dont see it. Lets not pretend.

I am choosing not to blame myself anymore. I have changed. I have sought help, I did learn the hard way. I did loose everything and the one person I love the most. But you know in the end... Ill be better off. I did my part I tried to see if it could work.
Im the lucky one - I have my daughter and someday maybe if he finds himself and this happiness he is seeking maybe he can have her too? Until then I think shes better off my responsibility. He can play. When hes tired of that we will see what happens...



Heres the copy of my run down of updates off myspace since some of you are buggers! and keep bugging me!

The days fly by so fast, and I have had nothing good to report so I havent been on to update.
So heres the run down :
- Mike is still running bar to bar, being with one person after another ( suddently he has " friends" from each neck of the woods - nice :) . He fucked up and missed his visitation with madaya again, cause of his actions. Im not pleased and now plan on filing all support paper work. He fucked my world up, its time to give him what he deserves.
Ive been patient - really patient. I do love him and didnt want to do any of this to him. Its to the point that he has responsibilites though and they dont wait.
If he can go to the bar every other night he sure the hell can pay for diapers, wipes, medicine and oh yeah LIVING expenses right? Hes not gonna like it.

- Im done asking him to work it out. If he cant see that its him I want to work WITH and come home to and have this family with then his is soooooo fucking out of his mind. Maybe someday his loss will be someone elses gain?
Im tired and Im pissed that he couldnt park that damn truck and make his family work. But hey You know, hes right I do deserve better. For now though I have to figure out how to not love him and not want him. In my mind i keep saying please mike stop this mess, and come home. Lets do this right... but his actions speak soooo much louder than his words and its not going to happen I am so mad that he thinks it has nothing to do with daa and that all of this is ok. oth of us said we never wanted this for our child and bam... hes doing exactly what he dispised.

I can so though I hear hes been talking to his dad. It warms my heart. Ive been wanting that for a while and I feel bad that he can do it now but couldnt then. He chose his actions, and I stood by him but i bet that made me the bad guy huh. After all his family didnt like me so i am sure thats why he can talk to them now. Hurts none the less.

- RE: moving
Im not moving - they have given notices 2 times, but im trying to fight for a fair housing compliance. I dont think mentally daya or I need to be doing another move. things suck. I am a mess, shes a mess and we do deserve stability. For now im holding my ground.

- Work is work.. i love it, but soooo much miss my baby all day and I miss having someone to come home too. Ive never been so flippin lonely.
- My plan of doing something new with madaya is in full swing. Were headed to silverwood soon, and fishing for sturgeon :) In august were headed to the zoo and aquarium and then next october around her birthday were hoping disney land. Depends on what I can save. Im having a hard time adjusting to the fact that our family is now just her and I and I wanted to be doing all this with her daddy. Right now I dont even know what the hell happened to her daddy.

- And finally the last update = MADAYA IS STILL SPIKING FEVERS AND IS BACK ON ANTIBIOTICS.