Spew it out!

Well the counsler said it would happen and it did. I got so mad, and so down that I finally needed to " tell him " everything. I kept it in way too long and maybe even too late?! When I called the counsling line ( which by the way spokane mental health at 838-4651 has counslers who can help 24/7 if you need one ) I thought theres no way this will happen I wont break down - I will be ok and I will just put my wall up - WRONGO!

Everything I felt, feeling, loosing, wanting etc.

I told him ( mike )
i wanted to downsize a few months ago -- to be better for our family. And i guess in there somehow be it me or him, that included with my mom?! I dont think shes the only issue, but it is a big one at hand. We havnt been alone, and I want that. I do want a life with my HUSBAND and my DAUGHTER. And I told him I wish i woulda said it sooner --- I really dont know why I didnt.
I told him i dont know what the future holds, only that I only see him in it. I dont know where we will work, what we will live in but none of that matters.. what matters to me is to have him, and madaya. Maybe its too little too late? Or maybe he just is so tired he cannot hear me shouting or that he cant see me standing here - maybe.

I told him i WILL NOT sign any papers yet - as i dont think that being away - on the road - and not here to deal with things and truely honestly " getting help to get through this " is not fair. He made this dession while in the most alone time and its got to hurt. Honestly when he told me the other day that he was done, i didnt think he would call the attourney let alone his whole family.... I really kept holding my breath thinking that all we talked about a couple of weeks ago ( selling the truck,me going to work - him going to school etc ) would still happen. He has no idea how much i was looking forward to him finally FINALLY being home.FINALLY BEING HOME!!!
Hes the one thing ive wanted... the one thing. No house, No fun, No NOTHING, is worth the price he wants me to pay by giving him up - he is my husband, and i know i am to follow him, no matter how hard it is, but how do i follow what i dont beleive in ( divorce ?) . I can make all the baby steps i want, i can remind myself to eat to breath and to wake up... of course, but i feel so dead, cause thats everything i want to do with him.

Ive got stacks of scribbled notes from over the last month ( he came hom before valentines day and we had a wonderful time, i didnt want him to go! ) of ideas and ways we can make this work - and function on a much better level. Ive got schools, and income ideas, and carreer paths and just a shit load of info i thought we would need that i did for us, and i get to shred it all because I want none of it... none of it without him.

Ya know?! I think he was shocked to hear that I was wanting to move with Madaya on my own. I honestly think he thought - i would just be moving in with someone? I dunno but i do know this isnt how i thought ... i thought for sure we * WE * would sell the house, and move to better way of life for us.. I thought for sure we would both have to 10 steps back to finally have what weve both been missing from each other - which in reality is EACH OTHER?! I knew he would be loosing alot too to gain much more! I know hes worked hard to get where hes at cause ive been here supporting this effort - i know its got to be hard to think about doing it all. I know this cause it takes my breah away too! He never did do anything half assed and i guess thats what i feel hes doing to us --- 1/2 assing it. I say this soley because its not working with him on the road - and me at home. Its not working how things are so we should try another way - 50/50 no more of this off balance stuff. Cause we make one hell of a team!



Ive gotten tons of advice, from tons of different people over the last two days, and the best advice was " remember april, that everyone has to learn something hard hopefully its not loves lesson, but if it is and you fight through it it could have the most beautiful end to the story " . God i pray so! I want to be able down the road to tell someone in my shoes, how hard it was to work for this, but that the pay off is so wonderful. I want to stand proudly with my husband, and look him in the eye and know that that love, that bond, that feeling is something we both hurt for, longed for, thought for and through our hard work are happy for.

I dont want to take him for granate. I dont want him to not know just how much he means to me and a lil more. I want him to know how much I honor him and respect him for all he has done - hes litterally given me life. They could have pulled those support cords, they could have not given me blood, they could have let me die - but he loved me too much! He is the reason im here, the reason I have a beautiful miracle a sign of our true deep love. I dont want him to not know what im doing each minute of every day.
I want him to feel the love he has from me. More than words... actions.
I want him to come home to me - to finally, give him that great big hug, and cuddle up for dinner and tv together - I want a walk with him, or to go to brunch with him... all the things, i try to do with others all because I simply am missing him.

I wanted us to get a new place, a new start - im not saying that we would be happy right away or that it would be smooth sailing. I would love to be back to work soon, so he can work close to home and re-learn all this. My gift of thanks for all hes done and sacrificed for me. I would love to see him and help him make it through school. I want him to be selfish for him as he gets some things he needs, all the while giving me what I need - him. I want us to see someone to help point us in the healing direction as theres been tons of hurts and wrongs along the way ... tons. I want to not be the person that hurt him " one last time " I want him to come home to me, to madaya and to fully know that we can do this... and i want him to know that hes stronger than he thinks.

To the ends of the earth - is where I could and should follow, of this he is right. If only in heart and soul is where its hard. For way too long i have been home, waiting on him. Supporting his venture ... for way too long i have had a wall up that tells him " go away, i dont want you here " because apparently thats how i thought I could tell myself that so i wouldnt hurt when he left.. and what did i do? I HURT MORE... HE HURT MORE.

I want my husband. I want him to know how much he is welcome here both in my heart and in OUR home. I want him to know I do miss him and I do cry myself to sleep while hes on the road. I want him to know I cannot imagine how alone he must feel out there with nothing but metal and noise to sourround him - and theres nothing at the end of the day to come home to . I want him to beable to relax and enjoy life, and not squeeze it in when hes in town for 2 days... I mourn the fact that daya doesnt have her daddy close, and I hate HATE the fact that hes a Long haul driver. I grew up in a home with a father gone... I didnt like it. I dont want to do that to daya. I dont want mike to be a father - i want him to be daddy. I dont want to have him see her on weekends or days off.. i want him to see her hold her breath her in .. DAILY. All things I wanted from the begining!

I want story times with daya and daddy, I want him to be able to give her her bath, or read her her book for the 14th time in a day - i want him to hold her when shes sick and calling for daddy and theres nothing mommy can do but rip out the damn picture. I want him to be here.

I want to work and build a strong marriage from ground up.

I want to appologize for everything ive done to him -
IM SORRY
For yelling at him for " almost knocking the wedding cake over "
For telling him hes just like his dad
For telling him he acts like an asshole sometimes
For saying I dont want you here
For not telling him I would be 110% all the time no matter what - SOONER
For being scared to admit I was beyond ready to be just us, and that mom needed to move out.
For saying that hes not making me happy - cause he has, did and always will
For making him think hes not enough ...
For making him leave us... making him return to work.
For keeping you thinking that he wasnt good enough for me
For letting him think that I am ok with him not being around
For not stepping up when I needed to.

For.... EVERYTHING.

He got upset, and i do get it - that I " threw his friend under the buss " in a previous blog ( remember blogs are to blog how I am feeling, thinking etc ) and saying that it was mean to say " his friend in arizona " NEVER FIGHTS WITH HIS WIFE " well shit i wanna know what they do to make life so rosey! " I said that because hell yeah im jelous.. cause they arent any different than me.. other then they show it. I want to be shown. I want to learn. Daniel and Megan PLEASE SHOW ME . SHOW ME HOW YOU SHOW YOUR FREAKING LOVE... I am so jelous. Mike tells me all the time that this is how you are.. so do tell. I didnt say it in a mean way --- i said it out of hurt and anger that I want my husband to know that he can and totally deserves all that happiness as well.

Its 2 am..... I am so tired, yet I cannot sleep. I cannot think about what happens next, and I keep praying that God will show me what I need to do.

I go to a counsler monday - ( well i called and they said see if i can do a walk in monday ) and I want to tell the counsler that I didnt have an example of how a marriage works growing up so that I need to learn the hard way - and I want them to show me how... teach me to put into actions how my heart feels. I want someone to hear me, here me cry because my husband isnt wanting to come home and see its real - and that we can do this.

I told him EVERYTHING - and I want him ....

I know our wedding vows by heart, after all I practiced them enough, cause I was soo sooo happy to be marrying my true other half. I look on them and think ive been so foolish. I did put others before him - and i shouldnt have - I did not follow - and i should have - hes been there for sickness and health --- and i want to make sure hes there for better or worse.. and till death do us part. Iwatched our wedding video a couple of weeks ago around when i first told him i was needing a new start, and i thought while watching it - how could i be at this point, where I am beggin that man pouring his salt into the glass WITH ME to go back to the life we left off? I truely didnt know at that time that he was feeling the same way about that woman ....

It feels so good to let it out, and ive been crying so much ive puked 3 times, I have paused this at least as many, and my head is pounding and I want to go to bed - our bed. A cold lonely bed - and think of him as i do every night - and pray as i do everynight that hes thinkign of me. being safe. and will come home soon.

I told him I am not going to sign anything yet - untill we see if we can make it honestly see if we can make it. This included him parking that fucking truck. Me getting back to work. Us trying to rebuild our marriage and our lifes TOGETHER hand in hand for a better future for our daughter, to keep a happy home full of love, laughter and to show her that you work for what you beleive in. and that hard work, sometimes the most excruciating work... can be wonderful!

Im going to look at it as a savings account.. im going to put all i am into it and slowly, but surely over time all that interest is going to pay off! I beleive it.

Shouting at the roof top I LOVE HIM AND WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO MAKE THIS WORK FOR GOOD not for 1 week, not for 4 months not for 1 year for GOO. and getting nowhere yet.

Im gonna go laydown. Madaya is sure to be up in a few hours.