Now is his time?

The time more than ever when I need to remember to Breath! Mike has decided he is done. I know ive said this a million times over but this time I have conceided as well!

Im still numb, but have to get this off my chest.

Im going to go on and live and know that this is not my fault. I love my husband wholy and competely with no reservations but its not enough? Recently hes made the decission that he wants to become a chef. He wanted this for a long time... a really long time! I was so happy to hear, and blissfully thinking this of course meant he would finally be coming home to build a life in one place with us... little did i know he was thinking AWAY at school. He wanted me to tell him i could and would up and pack everything - and i cant tell him that. I dont want to move me or madaya. I wouldnt see him anymore as going to school working and all that comes with a high profile career like that is not easy and wouldnt keep him home either. I love having extended family around- no make that love it. His family and mine!! What I wanted is my husband to want us, for us to be the reason to stay home and work locally - and he cant do it.

I have to accept that no matter how much love him, he firmly beleives i dont love him enough and cant love him enough. I cannot do anymore to prove to him, and im drained. I have to accept that although i am not good enough for HIM, it doesnt mean I am not good enough period.

He doesnt like that we argue, that we often disagree and that we dont do everything together ( hunting, fishing, motorcyle etc ) He beleives that we should be happy and whole all the time and that there should be no differences.
I happen to think that some of those differences is what makes us human, and makes us no less.

I want him to be near, have a family and start completely over even if from scratch. He wants to be a chef, no more kids, and to have fun i guess? Yet at the same time i dont know that he knows what he wants.

He likes to say he knows lots who never argue.. his friend in arizona " NEVER FIGHTS WITH HIS WIFE " well shit i wanna know what they do to make life so rosey!

I want to know why it is that no matter how much i dedicate to him ( in my eyes im dedicating alot, waiting, sitting, supporting him while hes away and wishing he was closer ) that im wrong?

I dont think i failed persay in anything except i shoulda seen it coming. I shoulda knew I didnt want him gone all the time, and that it makes things impossible to work on if hes away.

I sit here broken, trying to take care of roo and hes in his truck with a loaded trailor thinking of how to make the divorce work.
I have to give up thoughts of making marriage work..........

I have to remember to breath!

And maybe, just maybe if i wake up each day and focus on something new and something that needs to be done it will get easier in time. For now though, the man i love the most, the man i built my life and dreams on and around, just fell..

as i mourn the baby we just lost, i now get to mourn my marriage. I cannot imagine whats to come and the pain im about to indure.