If I could make him see! But I cannot

I cant make mike see.. but I wish I could

I cannot make him see...
..... The amount of love I have for him. .... The amount of sorrow I feel for the pain, hurt and damage I have done!..... The ways I do take care of him, and want to learn more..... How much I am mad that I dont get to see his graduation - When its what ive wanted for him to do! ... That I am proud of him! For who he is! ..... That he is the one I long for my best friend.... That I did wrong, so many wrongs, but im not the only one.... That I did support him if not I wouldnt have stayed with him!.... That he is better than the life hes choosing.... That no matter how bad things got, get, or are.. one great thing is LOVE. The love I have for him. PERIOD!
I cant make him see that while hes lost, its like watching my world shatter. That litterally I am watching the man I love so much self distruct. We make our happiness, and he could have made it with his family. Not with whom or whatever.
I want to make him see that I dont want to keep madaya from him as he says. But hes only seen her 2 days a month if that anyways. I listed 2 days a month in there for a minimum. I hope there comes a time hes able to see her more, and that we can see each other as well. For now I see him and I still get the butterflies. Its not fair to love someone so much and to have them not want it. I get that he says hes been that way for all these years, but how can I make him see I WAS HERE!! Damn it mike I was here.
I am so mad that this is happening and no matter how much I tell myself its for the best I just cannot beleive it. I didnt want this divorce. I didnt want my husband to run off to another woman. I wanted to fix us, to do the work with him to make us happy. And I do beleive our marriage could be fruitful and happy - WITH WORK!
I loved, trusted and respected him enough that when I knew for sure there were troubles I asked him to park it all give it all up to beleive in each other and what we did have and we would make it work... I beleive that only someone who had that much faith can do something. I left it all for him!
I am mad because I feel like its both our faults but he thinks its mine. I am mad because all I wanted was him to be here more, to relate more and to be a family. And that he didnt see that. I didnt want the house the cars the things. I wanted him. Him soley.
I want us to walk hand in hand in the park.. take our daughter to feed the ducks, to dinner and a movie. I want us to sit on the couch and look into those big blue eyes of his and melt like I always have. I want to breath the smell of him, and the feel of his arms around me. Damn it why can he make this choice for me.
I want to ride with him to wherever he wants to take me, listen to whatever he has to tell me about anything, I want to go camping, hiking, and sit at the lake while we fish.... things i put off because i was full of too much pride. Things I know meant alot to him.
I want to be the one he hugs at the end of his graduation day... the one who supported him so much through it all. I WANT THAT. Im so proud of him.
MICHAEL DO YOU HEAR ME?! DO YOU FEEL ME??

My love for him is pure. Its true. Theres nothing that I wouldnt do. No more! No one before him... no one between us. How can I make him see?!
Will he ever see what he did have - besides his vissions of what he " didnt have " Will he?
When I went to file the paperwork today I was in tears. They dont see that often, cause people who file usually WANT a divorce. I dont want this at all. I never did.
Weve both said very hurtful things, and for that I am not proud. I am so proud however that I have had the strength to indure as much as I have, and make the best example I can.
I had to move, to live - to find work to find a new way of handling things and talking to him/with him and living and a new way... I let people know all that matters is him and I and our family -something I needed to do a long time ago.
I want madaya to know divorce isnt right and to know a better life than I did.. and he did and I want the cycle to break. I want her to know mommy did ask daddy to get the help to try to make it work... but in daddys book it was too late. I want her to know we both were wrong to do all we did. But we did something right... it made her. Our love made her. I want her to know that mommy was foolish and didnt see things earlier and that when she did - her world crashed. She had built her world on her love for daddy, and he held it all. I want him to be a daddy not just a father. its all I ever dreamed of and the thought of this alone kills me. I wish so badly he was here to be a daddy to do all things a family does for her and I and I cant bear the thought of telling her someday that we will never be this way.
I took my vows and vowed to love him till death do us part and I really do wish thats what happend. It kills me to think it wasnt death it was depression, unhappiness, and selfishness that did us part.

I want to not cry. to not hurt to not wish for him. I want to do nothing .

I want for the world to stand still....
JUST STAND STILL!!!