8 years ago today..

8 years ago today I married the man that would carry my heart with him for the rest of my life. I knew full well what I was vowing, even with a young age. I loved him, respected him, honored him, and was so overjoyed to be his wife. He has chosen me. What was so special about me?! Why me? I guess then it didnt really matter cause the one thing I knew for sure is we would be ok together. We would make things ok together, and we would always be together. After all, he carried my heart and I his -

Given that things were very typical of a marriage in the first year, including the fights and worries we did make it through. I loved him just as I did the day I when I first fell in love with him. As time went on so did life, and in hind sight I guess that whats went wrong. the events that unfolded took a lot out of him and I and instead of leaning on him and making sure he knew I felt so thankful and joyful that I was his, and he was mine I didnt. I took it for granate that things would be the same tomarrow - he would love me tomarrow - want me tomarrow and today I could just not care.
Way wrong - we faced alot ALOT of things that no one should have to face. I made choices no one should make. He made choices no one should make. But in the mix of it all we really did have something - something special. I see it in his eyes, and I always have. Its my perfect reflection, and its never waivered. I see something in him every time i look at him and I always have in those beautiful blue eyes. I know theres pain there - and there has been from before I met him, but theres more now - that we have caused. He kisses me with passion, I feel him. He makes love to me and sometimes it just feels like theres no place on earth that could be so wonderful. When he touches me I get butterflies --- shoot, I get butterflies all the time. When he started traveling alot it got the point where I would get so excited waiting for him to come home, that by the time he finally got home I would talk myself out of feeling this happiness so that I wouldnt have to hurt when he left a few days later.. way wrong.

The hardest thing through it is that I still feel like a little school school when hes near, when I think of him and when I look at him. He looks at me with those blue eyes of his and I just want to melt. Hes the only one that can simply sit next to me, but yet it makes me feel so whole. So peaceful. Hes the only one that can hug me and make my heart completely stop ...
Hes my only one -

So here we are 8 wonderful years later, I choose to say wonderful because I do beleive our wonderful times far outweigh our not so great. Weve done some wonderful things, had many wonderful moments, and now have the most beautiful gift of all between us. Our daugther. I remember one time when we went " camping " ( something I didnt do enough of ) and we had our new puppy - puppy 2 kaydee I was so excited. We went to the beach on the 4th of july, and went down to the beach to watch the fireworks. It ended up being so smoky out from them and as we walked back to the car his only concern was me, he didnt want me to breath it all in, he walked infront of me, kind of protecting me.. only a man who loves someone so much would do. The little things he did meant the world to me - and unfortunatly instead of telling him that I cut him down. So foolish. He used to make the most amazing meals.

Theres one dish i love especially and long for him to make it again .. perhaps someday. Its full of chicken, pasta, and a cream sauce that I cant even begin to know how he made, then theres a coconut cake he knows about... MMMM. Only he can grill my steak just right. Several times ive litterally gotten frustrated with the fact that I cant do it like he can and I dont eat it -- its not what I want. I want his steak. Even burgers made by him tasted better and Im sure its cause off his secret spices he added. Love. I couldnt even begin to list everything so much that I cherish and am amazed by. From visiting the dam, and going to the coast, to just sitting in a park ( which just happened recently ) and looking at him the day he came home after I told him I was finally pregnant for good ( with madaya ) to seeing him bring that sweet little bundle of love over to me with tears in his eyes, and a sweet kiss on my cheek.

The day I made him a daddy was the happiest day of my life. A life we had dreamed of. I had almost everything I wanted, and when she was born the world stopped. I would have and should have done anything for him and her alone, not the way I did. I loved him more and more through the years, but that day I had madaya sealed it with this man I would be for ever, Hes the only one I love, wanted, longed for and breathed for.... forever.
After she was born it got harder. I didnt want him to go to work on the road - but felt we had no choice. I didnt say much if anything because I felt WE were stuck. With huge bills to pay, huge responsibilities to take care of what could we do...Thats when I started dreaming of the earlier times when we didnt have so much material wise. I strongly feel we sacrificed our family and our marriage for the road. Something that were not alone in. They say 70% of long haul relationships end because of the distance they put on... so true.

I hate that since she was born, he hasnt seen her as a father a DADDY should. I always thought my children would have their daddy near, someone to see them daily, to be with mommy and to reassure them that together anything is possible and that we may not have it all together but together we had it all. Someone to share bath time, bed time, snack time, cuddle time, play time ANY TIME.
Someone to sit down with at the end of the day and look at and say good job mommy/daddy we made it another day. Again, I wanted HIM to do it all but tried to pacify my needs with other things, people, places.... when all i longed for was him. The man I loved. The man I made this child with a man who needed me.

In November I started planning this years anniversary because we have never truely done something just so special for us on our anniversary. So this year I was going to go all out. He had been working so hard, and I thought we had been through so much and overcoming alot so I spent alot of time of thought on it and then money... the money didnt matter what I wanted was for him to see how much he meant to me. for him to realize I did very much care what he thought, felt and loved about me and that i was RIGHT THERE! I had booked a small romantic restraunt downtown, and a bottle of wine. They serve a 5 course meal over 2.5 hours, and you make your own deserts, belgin chocolates!!! YUM. So i thought we could do that, and then was hoping to get a room at the hotel lusso. I didnt tell him one word, when he asked if we were gonna do something for our anniversary i said who knows? we will see... I wanted it to be a huge suprise. A wonderful thing that I had spent so much time on just for him.... a dream. He is my dream.

I do not deserve a better husband - I deserve better from MY husband. And He deserves better from HIS wife.

Its been a month now that weve been seperated and my heart still is so torn, I am still so crushed and broken yet Ive found the strength to pick myself up and walk, stand and slowly I really am breathing. I have done alot of self seeking in this past month, and realize that alot of my actions were carried out because I was affraid of guilt, or humility or even just depression. A depression I didnt even really know I was in. In doing my actions to him, and telling him the things I did to try to protect my heart - I broke his. I broke his because I felt broken, and wanted to pay him back. My actions were nasty, and he responded nasty. Not how I would like to treat the man I gave my heart to. I was holding him responsible for " leaving me " every month to that freaking career of his, because it reminded me of what I had when I was a child. I didnt like my dad leaving. NOT ONE BIT it wasnt ok with me. I feel he treated me some ways because of his past too... like not seeing I was there when I was right there- but no one had ever been " there " so how would he know what it was? And broken promises yes I made some, but the damage was done way before me. We both had faults all of which are fixible if willing.
I have chosen to fix mine because I want to for me, my daughter and in turn him. It makes me a better woman, personb, mother, and wife. IF he wont have me than someone will down the road - and I will have this knowledge with me. If he fixes himself and realizes that were worth the work for him, and for his family then the rewards can be wonderful. Hes got a great foundation to build on. 10 years with me, and a wonderful child. But if he doesnt fix himself now, and looses us chances our he may be doing this again down the road. Maybe with me - most likely with another.

And even 8 years later the feeling is still the same " Everything is gonna be ok as long as were together .... " right now nothing is ok.
Today is our anniversary and as much as I dream he would walk through my door, with a simple smile on his face, no words, a hug that would tell me what I know ... everything will be ok. I know its not going to happen. I know he doesnt want to see our life right now and that he truely is lost. Hes trying to find himself and looking into all his things he shoulda done.
While hes out playing, I am here. Raising our daughter, living for today and dreaming of tomarrow.

I look at my empty place here, and think " will it ever be a home?" Home is where the heart is and my heart is with him.
My love for him is so strong, and its enduring this pain hes causing. A pain that for a long time weve caused together. But Love is patient...
I plan on hanging on as long as I can, maybe he will see before its too late.
Divorce would be the easier way out. Not easy at all to go through but deffinatly not as hard as what would face us working it out. It would take a lot of trust, faith, renewals, and a new way. I want to finally be us 3. A new place, a new way, a new routine. Even financially we would be/ do better -ive been over it a million times. most of all - A renewed love! I want Madaya to know the right way of marriage, love and life.

8 years ago today... I married Michael.

I still stand waiting for him today.

Love Endures All things......