A good day for the 3 of us

Today he spent some time with Madaya and I at Riverfront park, and we went to lunch all 3 of us.
We had a good time, or as well as it could have been. I talked with him, not to him. He talked with me, not too me. There were a few times I could see his heart in his eyes, but hes quick to fight it back. I shared with him some of the things I have learned, lessons hard earned, and learned.
I shared with him that I very much want to be what I should have been... and was, but wasnt allowing myself to be. That I was sorry - make that am sorry for taking him, his love for granite. Ive lost it all... honestly, all but madaya. Shes the only thing keeping me strong most days - but in the end Im going to be stronger for it.
I want him to find his peace - with whatever it is thats bugging him. I know im 1 of the issues, but he has many. There will be something else. I am sure. Hes just so lost. One minute I can see him, the next a complete blank. No nothing. No emotion, no heart no compassion.
He said he feels that I deserve better, and I think hes right. I think I do derserve, Not a better husband - but better from my husband! Just as I think he deserves better from his wife, not a better wife. Its our responsibility to one another to be there for each other, and be our best for us, so that we can be. I got to comfortable and this would fall into place here.
Ever sat next to someone on some grass, and stared at them, and though - GOD why cant I just make this stop, Why cant i make him see whats right here - and reach out and kiss him, touch him, breath him. - NOT COOL. Its a wonderful feeling, these butterflies I get but not when they are one sided. I cannot beleive I made him feel that way too...
He may not see today, tomarrow or anytime soon = but i hope he does see in time what he let go. What he coulda had. And what he shut out. I think he knows some but not all. Perhaps as time goes on he will be better/happier? or perhaps he will wake up one day and be in tears, in pain... the alcohol and cheap fun worn off and think dear god - I gave them up for this?! Im still not happy....
No one knows the future. But I do beleive we help make it what its going to be. We choose who we love. We choose our actions, our words and our thoughts. We are in control. If you tell yourself something - then yes - your that something.
He said that hes not happy that hes so angry. Anger is a huge issue with him, as he has a known anger issue. Hes unwilling to seek or get help for it - as he doesnt beleive in " taking things " whater I say - I mean I think its an excuse. I agree I pushed his buttons, sometimes on purpose. But it can be argued that he shouldnt be easily pushed either. And that perhaps he really does need more than what his mind, or anyone elses can offer. Theres no shame in that. Only shame is to not get the help. I love him so much, and know of the anger. I know that I too have a harsh tongue that leads to some of it. I am sorry for this - and am continally learning to not be so quick with the tongue. I pushed and pushed... to get his arousal. I tried to challange him. To be better than him. This I am not.
All I wanted to be was his equal. Not infront of or behind him. NEXT TO HIM!
I just seen it all --- a little too late?! I do beleive its better late than never though. And I have/we have a chance to fix it. Only with hard work and faith in one another and god though - for him its not there now, and may never be. Hes choosing to set me free.
I struggle the most with the fact that he doesnt want to make it work for our daugthers sake, his sake, and my sake. But yet hes willing to leave for " his daughters sake " Confusing eigh?
I will get to tell my daughter that mommy did make mistakes, and she learned the hard way that they were mistakes - but she did the right thing, owned them, fixed them. I couldnt make her daddy see..... his eyes closed because he didnt want to try a new way. He was done with the old way. As was mommy.She will know in time what i hope to teach her. Do not take love, life, people for granite. Never Never think for a moment its ok to do such a thing. I want her to have better than I did. I want her to know a happy marriage - and how to be there for her husband. All things I learned by loosing it all. I will set an example someday hopefully with her daddy, but if not with one god intended.
I am not giving up on mike, and I dont want to give up on our love. I guess time will tell as soon as he signs his papers. His decision is made and as a wife I apparently have to follow his wish, even if crazy - DIVORCE?!
I have to find a way to tell my heart and brain to stop dreaming of him. Every motorcycle i hear, or footsteps I imagine its him coming - hes gonna walk through the door, as broken as I am and say " I do want you - I do want to get help - I do want to take steps.... " But alas, a dream!
Tonight I told him when we were talking about the " papers " that I dont want to make this " easy on him " By that i only ment mentally. I dont want him to think its easy to walk away with a couple of signatures and bye bye. Hes been my husband for 8 years. We have a life together, a child together. hes got obligations, yes. But I am not out to get him financially. Yes, i need help now. But in time I hope only help for daya. If she cant have him, at least she can have what he provides i guess! It kills me to think he thinks i would" stick it to him" shit, if i wanted to do that I could have. I was the one who walked out of welfare, cause they told me if they help me - they go after him. I dont want them to go after him. I love him. I respect him.
You know I do beleive divorce would be the EASIER way out of this. That working on us to be a wonderful couple, a loving supportive and nuturing couple would be alot of work. I beleive the WORK would pay off more in LOVE and HONOR. I beleive it would be well worth it in the end, and could very well lead to HAPPINESS. Only to those who beleive though.
You know what? Broken hearts - SUCK Broken families SUCK. this SUCKS. I need a big sticky sucky bandaid. I guess its called TIME

for now... Still sticking to the truth and my heart :
Love is patient, love is kind.It is not jealous, it is not pompous,It is not inflated, it is not rude,it does not seek its own interests,it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,it does not rejoice over wrongdoingbut rejoices with the truth.Love bears all things, believes all things,hopes all things, endures all things.Love never fails!