the reality of it all

re-al-i-ty 
–noun, plural -ties for 3, 5–7.
1. the state or quality of being real.
2.resemblance to what is real.
3. a real thing or fact.
4. real things, facts, or events taken as a whole; state of affairs: the reality of the business world; vacationing to escape reality.
5. Philosophy .
a.
something that exists independently of ideas concerning it.
b.
something that exists independently of all other things and from which all other things derive.
6. something that is real.
7. something that constitutes a real or actual thing, as distinguished from something that is merely apparent. —Idiom
8. in reality, in fact or truth; actually: brave in appearance, but in reality a coward.

I can't sleep and it seems to be yet again another night with alot on my mind. What better way for me to finally close the day, and my eyes and rest, than to come spill my mind. Sometimes in private but mostly for all to see, if they care ... on MY BLOG.

I love this blog, I really have come to enjoy and love blogging more and more!

Anyways Its been a long couple of days. Alot to take in, to think about and to just reflect on I guess.

We found out monday that for sure we got our new home ( rental of course ) but without the additional deposit we just *knew* for sure we would need since our credit and stuff sucks now... but we dont need it. It was a huge blessing, and were so excited.

I am not scared about our new home, rather what comes along with leaving this one, and moving to it.

When I moved into this apt, it was without my husband. I was a mess, looking for a fresh start and a new begining. Madaya and I needed a safe, conveiniant and reliable place to grow and learn a whole new way. When Mike and I got back together, we figured we would keep this as long as we could while we got back on our feet, and figured our credit/financial self's out....

Skip forward, this home isnt suiting us. Were not exactly " at home " here, and for many reasons I think I know why.

For those same reasons, I beleive we together, are making a great, healthy choice to be moving when and where we are moving to!

thats reality!

My other reality is this: Some things scare people. Period.

Reality is I am going to have my WLS surgery. It will be the RNY Bypass, and I will be doing this as soon as insurance gives me my final go ahead, and the labs are done. I chose to share this info with those I love, because I thought I would need the support. Many people told me that they ( they who have had surgery ) wouldnt choose to tell everyone if they had to do it all over again, and I think I am begining to see why.

The reactions range widely. I get some great raves, and many oh boys!

I guess this really hit me the other night, when we were at dinner. My aunt found out I was doing bypass vs. the band and wasnt happy. I could see it in her eyes, she voiced it well, and I know shes scared.

She stated " I would rather be fat than have the surgery" and " I know so many who have had it and died " . Whoa - hold the train.... She must know every failure than because really, statistics show a slim to none, chance of failure, and or death?! on top of that... heres my reality I AM NOT THAT FAT - therefor its not an issue of living "fat" vs. having surgery.

Reality check : Am I overweight - YES. Moribly obese? Yes. National standards say 40 BMI ( see my BMI blog ) is morbidly obese although I am at a mere 40.1 BMI. That means tops I am 100lbs over weight.... however with my medical conditions I more than qualify since you have to have a BMI of 35 or more if you have ANY of the co-morbities ( deseases that can lead to death ) : diabeties - CHECK, Endocrinolgy issues : CHECK, High blood pressure : CHECK, High Cloresterol despite diet : CHECK, sleep apnea : CHECK, and or Asthma : CHECK. So... looks like reality is by all means this surgery could help me! Im not " just fat " .

Reality is that I could very well die just as easy from any one or combo of my conditions, and that those risks are higher than that of the surgery!

Im having alot of anxiety of the surgery - they say this is normal, and have given many ideas on how to deal with it. You know whats odd to me, is that most of my anxiety is about how people will respond to the drastic changes Im undertaking. Ive come to another reality - they will either be there or not, and chances are those that arent, are just plain uncomfy with themselves. If they love me and want to see me healthy they will love me and support me in this long but rewarding journey.

Reality is that things will change. I will change in looks, and feelings, and the way I eat, and this can and will make others feel weird.

Reality is that I may look sick a while- because they are used to seeing me as ME.
Reality is that once my body adjusts to the major chances I can absolutely live happily and healthily ever after :)

Thats a pretty good reality huh?

Other things in reality have been weighing on me too - but those are to major things. 2 major issues staring me right infront of my eyes. I am so excited to take on these next 2 chapters, and see what comes next. Im feeling stronger, happier and more renewed than ever, and feel the winds are blowing in the right direction!

Reality.... May as well embrace it.