I thought I was a mess...

Ha!
Madaya is a mess.

She askes why daddy doesn't want to live here, love us and do family time. ALL THE TIME.
She gets mad at herself and goes to her room, litterally curls up in a ball and wont talk to me. Then when she comes out of it she just screams.
On sunday she wants to know why we have no family day - on Thursday she wants to know what were doing " when daddy gets home " .
At school shes telling them she has 2 houses, but loves her " big house and her OLD family ". THAT KILLS ME!
She is having a few accidents, forgetting to go potty sometimes, and shes been asking for blanket and even a paci ( which I haven't given in to ). Shes hording toys, and being rude.
Shes hitting, punching and kicking in a fit.
she says things like " Just leave me alone " " I dont want you" " You make me mad".
Shes getting frustrated quickly and over anything- even things she normally handles with ease.

It kills me to type this as you know a mothers love and protection! Most who read should know the pain this all brings how its so hard to look at her and assure her all will be ok.....

She wants to know why daddy did this, why he moved, why were not going to grandpa steves as planned, why we dont have family days, why I cry alot, why daddy smokes, why daddy is gone so much ....

AND I CANNOT GIVE HER ANSWERS. I dont know right now myself.

I couldn't ever imagine doing this to our family. I couldn't imagine and have never imagined not being together - and I don't know how to tell Daya that this is " ok ". Cause its not.

She deserves better than I can give at this time - yet daily I have to give all I can.
She deserves him to be here near her closer in her life - yet he can't.

She is my constant reminder of him. our love. our life. and it sucks.

My heart is breaking for 2. Her and I.