Getting real with myself sucks

So basically in a nutshell I have been trying to put on a strong front.
Pretty scarey really.
Ive been home spending time with myself - having many debates in my head and convo's with myself...

and what Ive come up with is this.
( and I only filled up 2 spiral notebooks with handwritten journals )

I need to be honest with myself.

I hate that Mike has done this again, and I am confused really as to why.
I want to fix it but I cant - and that hurts.
I felt rejected after he left and sought male words of attention - that was wrong. And I hate that so I cut off all outside contact. Meaning if its not with my husband I am not talking to ANY male friend ( ryan and olga excluded ). But you get the point.
I need to be selfish and work on me - so that I dont take the blame and think this is all me.
I need to realize that truely I do have a part in this - both ways. Life and Demise of our marriage. I am only responsible for MY actions, and issues.
I love him - but cant have him.
I hurt - but cant stop trying to heal.
I hate that my family has yet again been ripped apart - and theres not a darn thing I can do about it.

So.... Ive just been taking some me time.
I'm not in a good place emotionally, physically or mentally.
Emotionally I try to fool myself and say this doesnt kill me.
Mentally Im beyond tired.
Physically I havent slept in weeks, Im down to 118-120lbs and getting little to no nutrition. I feel sick all day every day. I am getting transfusions of water and nutrients every few days.
and all together I miss him like crazy, and Im getting to the mad point.
I totally dont get it theres the confusion.
I did everything he wanted... but truely beleive he is in general unhappy with himself - so of course he cant see how much I loved supported and was here for him!
I worry and pray for him daily.

I worry and pray for our daughter ( who is a mess - see other posts ) daily.