Ok the post some have been waiting for

Thank you for giving me the time to come to this in my own time, I do appreciate the notes, cards, flowers and support but honestly this isnt easy and I just had to come to it.
Through the advice of my therapist I beleive I am ready to lay this to rest, as much as my heart and mind disagree.

Mike decided to leave me on Feb 14th. I am pretty sure I will forever hate that day now as I had so much planned for the man I loved.
It really came as a huge shock. Im not going to lie - for a few weeks hes been complaining about not being " loved enough or shown enough " but I firmly beleive this is due to all he is going through.
I couldnt bear those burdens with him, so he felt alone. I on the other hand DID GO SEEK HELP - but he refused to beleive that.

The first couple of days of him doing this was hard. I begged I pleaded I thought....
and you know what I HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD THESE Past 2 years ( which have been great ) and we were headed in a great direction - but apparently not in his eyes. Hes confused, he is hurt and he is lost. So he choose to leave.
I will not own it this time. This is not me.
I love this man wholey and I want him happy. If being without us daily makes him happy then I promise I will do my best to see that happen.

The early week was shakey to the point phsyc considered admitting me for mental breakdown. I wasnt eating, drinking thriving not by choice just by stress i was down to 121lbs and my mom took me in to see dr where they gave 2 full bags of fluid, and adivan. we agreed at home sedation would be best. I was litterally pulling my hair out, and cutting my skin, cause I was out of it. This blind sighted me.
2 days later weight still down, me still sickly I went back and they did a scope down my pouch to make sure all was well and did another 2 bags of fluid, I was way out of it from the anesesia though and upon my return home, made the horrid mistake of hitting mike in the face. The man I love so much hurt me so bad I just wanted him to feel it too. He seems to feel nothing. Dont sit there and tell me I DIDNT LOVE YOU ENOUGH!!! I loved you more than you will ever know.
After that big mess its like the ball in my stomach let go seriously and I ate.... I have alot to regain about 15lbs now, but I will do it. The adivan helps, I plan on returning to work this wednesday. I have meetings with counselors on what to do since tech I am a " housewife " and trying to get daya into counseling.
Shes a mess!
She cries daily about how daddy left her, and she wants her daddy. This kills me!
All I can tell her is I WANT DADDY TOO DAYA, AND YOU WILL SEE HIM SOON! She is asking of our family time, weve been having so much of lately but I think he needs to be the one to break it to her - this is HIS decission.

I have alot ahead of me - to figure out to deal with. I am still seeing the physcologist and praying that mike takes this time to get the help he needs.
I dont know what or when things will happen but I do know this is way wrong. Very wrong.

My mom is moving in for now so we dont have to move again ( Mike is helping with rent and the car ) but leaves nothing for much more so she will help with that. It will be good too cause honestly I like having a partner, hate being alone at night - and mikes not here. She can never fill his shoes ever but the support will be nice while we transistion.

I didnt think madaya remembered the last time, but I think she does a little she keeps coming up with " its ok momma he will move back home " or.... lets go have a date... or daddy wants us to move.
it absolutely breaks my heart!

She told her cousins yesterday she is moody cause her daddy left us! HELLO SHES 3.... way to not do what you went through. God my heart shatters when I hear that.


ok so on other news, my next post is on my plans .

Please dont bash him. This is his life. I know its hard - Im living it. But I do love him and respect him.

We would have been married 10 years April 15th.