No turning back?

Today I will meet with my lawyer.
Im scared and still cannot beleive I am back in this seat. Seriously! 3 weeks ago I would have never imagined it.
We were excited to be doing so much, trips coming up, trying for a new baby, mike joing the gaurd and or a new job....
and here I am.

Part of me still wishes he would call, say he made a huge mistake wants to get help for himself, admit its him, and then we could move on....
why cant we have a seperation - he can be on his own, working on him while I hold this fort and family down so that together we can again work together. So he doesnt distroy everything WE have worked so hard for together?

Then part of me says --- I sooooo don't deserve this.
I want a partner for life. Not for 2 year incriments.
I want to meet someone who wants to be loved for them, and love me for me. That I am good enough for.

Then theres the part of me where I STILL CANNOT BREATH. I still pick the phone up 8 times a day and try to call him, only to remind myself its not ok.
I woke up at 6 this morning and instead of his morning call, got a bark from his dog. Ugh.
I miss him.
Madaya misses him.
THIS SUCKS.
Plain. Simple. Sucks.

Today .......

I meet with the lawyer.